I have vivid dreams of you,
wrapped around me.
One moment you're there,
the next; gone.
Last night, I dreamt of you again.
Like I do most nights.
And I talked to you
and it was so sweet hearing the honey pour from your lips
and so relieving to see a smile again.
For though I thought loneliness would be the answer
to keep you safe and sound
and to protect myself...
This is not the truth; it has only made my journey more difficult
especially now that I can only speak to you in dreams.
Only in dreams can I share with you my secrets,
my desires,
my hopes,
my fears.
For of all the people I've met in this lifetime...
You were the only one who has understood me the most.

Maybe I'll be stuck in this purgatory forever
Looking for you in every woman I meet
Maybe I'll only be able to ever speak to you in my dreams
Looking forward to those nights where I can feel free once again.

I talked to my mentor; told her what I did to you
blamed myself
blamed everything I did wrong
my stupidity
my insecurity
and all she could offer
was that I shouldn't have burned my bridge

and I sit back and look at it still smoldering
just like those glances you gave me at the airport.
Filled with pain,
anxiety
betrayal.
How dare you.

How dare I indeed...
to take such purity of heart and give it away hoping it would help
but only destroying what was most precious to me.
How dare I.

How dare I take your trust and burn it.
Never trying to hurt intentionally
but always slicing so deep...and deeper...and deeper.
Until three times was the charm
and you only meet me at night
in my vivid dreams
where we can speak
with no pain
no sadness
no concept of betrayal
just us
just us
just us
just me.
only me
awake
wanting
to
be in...
in my vivid dreams...

with
you.