its late and i'm restless
i couldn't care less
i plunder though my days
as you drive me slowly insane

I loved you quietly in the shadows between the dawn and dusk
You said you really liked the scent I used,  it was musk
I only loved you for a little short while
Had I only known our road was only long a short short mile
If I could go back and change things,  never have met you,  I would
But if I could change the present,  I also wish I could
Our quiet connection was a secret
You belonged to another,  so I would keep it
You undressed my body and mind with one of your intent looks
It took mere moments for me to be hooked
Hooked on your stares,  your smiles,  your disguise
My favourite words were all your pretty little lies
You spoke to me though all my most loved songs
Made me feel like I found home,  like I belonged
Kindred spirits,  I thought  you and I.
And you said it first,  so I didn't deny
And  now you are no longer here
I sit alone with my thoughts and fears
I don't know if any of it was real or fake
This seeming game of which I did partake
The worst part about not knowing if it was real
Is that my sorrow,  to you,  like a cruel joke I feel

You
This time
Was different
But the
Leaving
The same

Its all there
In the Jack for breakfast
& the too little sleep
In the too quiet laugh
& the secrets I keep

Trust me its there
In the music loud & hard
& the black devils I don't smoke
In the too much of everything
& the nothing in my throat

Its there where there's no quiet
In the chaos of the storm
where stories are being told
the magic; the fire; the mirror
Its all there to behold

I'll be your shadow when you walk
I'll be the last word when you talk
I'll be the wind on your face
Of your footsteps I'll be the trace
I'll  be the last drop in your cup
Even the steam from your tub
Through an open window I'll be the breeze
When you're cold I'll be the freeze
When you hunger  when you slumber
I will be the cause
And then when you dare to dream
I will be there it would seem
You will shout and you will suffer
For you cannot find the roots
Of this s. Austin and this haunting
Being bestowed on you
Still as you breathe I'll be your breath
And as you live I'll be your death
My presence will be overwhelming
And it will be surrounding
And it will always be there
Just to haunt you just to taunt you
Just to show you just how much I cared
My love,  so close that's how I'll be
Just out of reach and so I will teach
Just what you've lost in me

We built jumping castles on top of sand castles
And called it art
Unique
Beautiful
Then you ripped it apart
And I don't know how to turn that into poetry
That lasts

It's not here anymore
Your cigarette butts
When I empty my Ashtray
Your half empty bottle of ***
When I open my cupboard
Your toothbrush where you
Left it in my bathroom

It's not here anymore
Your expensive cologne that clings
To everything you come in contact with
Your phone charger
Next to my bed
Your side of the bed
The second glass
The second plate

It's not here anymore
Your voice
Your name on my phone
Your favourite movies in my collection

No trace left

And yet

Your cologne sticks to the inside
Of my walls
Your food to the inside
Of my mouth
Your words
The inside of my head

I wish you would just
Leave

Have you ever seen  a carcass
Torn apart by a predator
Pieces strewn about.

Hearing the words
I don't want to be with you
Does the same thing
To one's heart.

It's supposed to be poetic
And heart break is beautiful
You grow from it.

All I can tell you
Is that when the person
Who promised to love you
Forever
Says
I don't want to anymore
It just ******* hurts


It hurts to wake up
It hurts to breathe
It hurts to function
It just ******* hurts.

It's painful and it's not pretty.
It leaves your future bare
And uncertain
Your home empty
You bed a punishment and solice

I have lived bad times
But none worse
Than that of a lover I've loved
Leave

I think I'm done with this

I carried the sun on my back to light your day
The moon at night to guide your way
I wrote you special poems
But all who listened were the garden knomes
For you were too busy to see
Too busy to notice me
You did what you wanted to
I could no longer follow you

Such a quiet feeling with no words need speaking.
Such quiet words doing so much healing.  
Never knew quiet could say so much.  
Never knew how deep and thorough quiet could touch.  
Comforting how empowering silence can be.  
Comforting how silence looks at me and sees me.
So much silence says without saying anything.  
So much calm to my restlessness silence's nearness brings.
Silence sits quietly next to me when I don't want to speak.  
Quietly scolds me when I don't want to eat.  
Silence doesn't scream or shout or fight.  
Silence holds me close and helps me sleep at night.  
This silence brings air to my lungs so I can breathe.  
This silence is possessive and protective and likes to mark me as his and bare his teeth.

7 years of my life
Fits into 8 boxes
In a 2x3 container
20 minutes from here
And a few scattered pieces
Left lying around
I take 5 breaths a day
And 14 steps
To here and back
Its all i can do for now
While she sleeps in my bed
And pets my dog
And he cooks her dinner
In my pans
While she sleeps
In the boxers i bought him
While she closes my curtains
While she holds his hand
While she lives my life
My life that fits in a 2x3
And i sleep alone

Love knocks on my door
And I invite him in
Because I like how he smells
But now that he's here
I don't know what to feed it
Love has never been here before

i wish that you couldve been around
everytime that i fell down
i wish our pretty eyes could see
what your silence does to me
seen my tears fall often and plenty
from my broken heart still and empty
wish i could still see you everyday
say those things i meant to say
remember our little house by the ocean
and we'd sit all day and watch the motion
no i thought not
thought you had already forgot
thought you forgot our memories so dear
that was the greatest of my fear
soon enough i knew you would
i just never thought that i could
im broken from falling
and tired from crawling
but slowly my life is getting organised
im sure for everything ive apologised
souls end up where they loved the most
when my day comes
i hope im in your arms by the coast

his eyes were smaller than i recall
though still the colour of the first autum leaf's fall
being neither really brown, green or grey
perhaps if you could colour the word distant or frey
it was noted how he remembered more good than bad, than i
every conflicted night, smallest arguement and really hard fight,
etched into my mind's eye
its harder to hate than to love, and im tired of the fruitless fight
cant love any longer from here, and ive really no right
my essence is empty, my heart still bleeding on his icy floor
in a maze, in a haze, in a daze frantically i search for an exit door

I want to dance in this holiness
Steady myself in your embrace

I want to pin this moment
In the warmth of your stare

I want to bask in your silence
And grow memories of Sundays

You said it would've worked
If we started things
The right way

Baby for things like this
There is no right way
Only a whispered
"I wished you would've stayed"

It's been a hell of a year
All I remember is the cold
Sleeping on the floor
In your empty house

Walking your empty hallways
Talking to your empty walls
To your empty heart
Drunk on regrets

I wasn't enough to save you
I wasn't anything more
Than the girl
Who slept in your house
On the floor

Alone in your cold

My tender lips do shout out loud
My fingertips are more than proud

to hold you close and feel you near
loneliness a while do fear

Peaceful bliss in your coming
A little while without longing

I have drowned in your sweet embrace
Lost in the smile on your sweet face

Slow dancing in my satin slip
To John Lee ****** songs
By candle light and slow rising steam
From the nearby tub
Tipsy from the red wine
In a good glass dangling from my hand
the thoughts of you swirling
Through my already hazy mind
Your gaze caressing
My slow moving limbs
Igniting me from the inside upwards
Anticipation thrills

You made me feel tonight

I want to run to you and scream, in your face at the top of my lungs.
I want to know who holds your grace
and breathes your wings
I want to know who catches your quiet tears
and voices your silent tongue when it cant sing
Who is it that knows your fears that you pretend to hide so well
Who seeks them out within your soul and makes them disappear
I want to know who is it that makes you whole
and hears your screams
when no one's there to see you shout
Who is it that holds you close
and gets you through the night
when you cant be alone with your solitude
I want to run to you and Shout
"Have you had your fun?"
"Can we stop this charade?"
"Are you ready to love me now?"
but I never do
I never do

There is no "us" i wanted to scream
Its all just a pretty see through dream
We fought heaven with lust
Too broken, too burnt to trust
You wont let me in, I wont let you out
We swin in this sea of doubt
Back and forth we go
All of it just for show
Not brave enough to stay
Too shallow to walk away
Back and forth, back and forth
Until it all has lost its worth

across my path i met a gypsy
who wants eveything to be beautiful and everyone to be
he weaves a blessed magical spell
with the places he's been and the tales he can tell
he pours his colourful soul into passionate pictures
wears bright shirts with flowers and big coats with furs
he respects my boundaries, accepts me
understands my craziness
encourages me to be
he creates a new world out of bliss
he says he's walked miles barefoot and in other people's shoes
he wants to slap on a dress and I a beard
and we'll get on stage to sing the blues
on my battered me, a mark his soul will sear
then he looks at me with his blue eyes and smiles his sad smile
and I realise I'll never know his demons or the depth of his fears
but I hope he stays a little while
he helps me face me and leaves his peace here

i sit aside quiet and bruised
you left me here old and used
to no rhythm does my heart beat
i cannot feel my fingers or my feet
you haunt my dreams
and its you who echo through my screams
you left with barely goodbey
you didnt want to try
all those things that taunt me
they reach inside beyond me
while they fill my soul with numbness
and hollow out my body with clumsyness
my silence be my armor plate
with my silnece i will clear the slate
a single word from you crumbles my defence
your sweet lips tricked my body into making amends
"can i call you sometime?" "dont you dare!"
all this is too much for me to bare
i fear my heart will soon stop beating
ive nothing left to use for weeping
you took everything i gave
and went back without me to your cave
sorry i think ill wait here
until all my healing are words no more
and when all my feelings are pain no more
maybe then ill get up
and try walking again

its in the space in between
in the sound of his voice, deep and mean
not what is there, but what is not
spaces so vast, emptiness forgot
my sins leave me without sleep
all my secrets i still keep
is that what you see when you look my way
did you, too, notice the decay
was that on your mind when you turn your back
do your thoughts linger on all i lack

On the other side
Of this genocide
I count too many empty bottles
Each a name inked
At the bottom
A ghost I tried to drown
A piece of me I didn't want to be
A memory I wanted to slice from the reel
A life I tried to make not my own
All the empty bottles brought
Was a graveyard of more things
I'd rather not have

Now I know new year's
Is about new beginnings
But as the sun rose
I found myself
Missing you
Drinking old whiskey
Listening to our old songs
Hearing the old promises
Your voice in my ear
Your hands on my skin

I went to bed alone on this new day
Not looking ahead to new beginnings
But With my hand holding yours
in the past

I don't dwell on the past.
I don't miss things long gone.
But you always felt like home.
Home was where I wanted to be
Home felt like a good place to start
A new year.

I hope this year I will find my hand to hold
I hope I don't miss you when I do.
I hope you don't miss me.

If I spoke to you now
I wonder what you'd say
Would you have found your longed for happiness
Forever and a day
Or would you still be melancholy
With your burning urge to flee

Perhaps you have a number for me
To which I can place your call
Yesterday was a good day for me
But today I'm very small

I only want to talk a while
And find out how you are
I won't tell you about my trails
And how you fell so far
I won't ask why you jumped to freedom

I just want to say hi

Ive lost this fight
and every one, every other night
All the breathless screaming
and pointless pleading
In the very end
I regret to repent
has left me alone and very old
silently kneeling in the cold
Ive nowhere left to turn
all but the last fire's ashes left to burn

There is this man I know
Apparently he lives nearby
I see him from time to time
As he walks on by
On his way to go to where ever
He needs to be
Doing what ever it is
That needs to be getting done
He must be very important
For he walks so purposefully fast
And in looking so professional
Dealing with his tasks
He does have a way about him
I'd mind admitting to see
Even sipping on his drink
Gracefully handling his own company
So well he does these things
All on his own
So sad he does them so well alone
When he used to do them with me
Constantly

its not always sunshine and happiness
sometimes some days everythings a mess
i miss the comfort, i miss the cold
i miss not feeling so young, so old
i miss saying hello and waving goodbey
i miss the glue that killed me
that kept me alive

You don't like her name in my mouth
And I don't like
How you love her for real
And fake it with me
Maybe that makes us even
In the end

Can I tell you a secret only
Karma and I know

She can keep you

You
Are not
A man
Not god
Coward
Liar
Remembered

Sometimes I just like to watch you
Doing best what you do
Sharing yourself with others
Watching them being mesmerised
Watching you being you

Sometimes I want to touch you
Where your eyes can sometimes touch me
When just  simple look from you
Can cut right to the core of me

Sometimes I want to hurt you
As your ignorance does me
Those days I want to shake you
To make you feel the same

Sometimes I need to love you
Even though you can't feel
Even though my touch feels numb against you
Your skin immune
Sometimes I just need to

Sometimes I still do all this
Sometimes it's all I can do
Sometimes it's all I have of you
That little bit
Sometimes nothing at all

every night i ask of grace
when i stand alone my demons to face
to keep me safe from harm
please work your magical charm
so that safely ill wake
the new dawn to take
some nights for my life i fear
please lord, please just stay here
please just until i fall asleep
later i'll wake, promises to keep

I burn bridges
I watch in the rear view mirror
embers and the remnants fade away
I like closure and closed chapters

I wanted to destroy ours
So completely
That there never was a bridge
Pointless waste
you always still
Seem to find your way
back
To me

Even now I can feel you drifting

I overgrow pathways with thorns
hide the signs
switch off the lights
leave the post on the porch
let the dust settle

Still you end up at my door
Baggage in hand
spark in your lazy eye
I never leave you in the cold
God's knows I want to

You follow me to the kitchen
Where I start on the new bomb
While you build the new bridge
I aim to blow

Our cycle is consistent
Your leaving is exhausting
My heart break is on rewind
There's comfort in repetition
But where is the love

never again will my heart skip a beat
i'll forget everything from your fingertips to your feet
deep wounds never really heal
too many hours of lost time do they steal
only to reveal
that the memories never really leave
and a part of us will forver grieve
even when we are too old to remember anymore
we'll still carry a sense that we lost something we once longed for

You seem to know
Just when to come around
And say hello
When I've reached my lowest low
And can't seem to say no
Can't seem to say anything
But barely hello

And now
There is no trace of you here

No longing
Knowing you are near

A box filled with secrets
Shackled to my feet
Gets dragged around
Everywhere with me
Invisible ink
Ethes the words
Again and again
In the form
Of so many things
A knowing look
A turn of phrase
From a private book
Between the silence
Of this second
And the next
One foot firmly
In no man's land
I stand holding
My breath
Boundaries invisibly set
And yet
So clearly defined
I have no right
To stake a claim
And yet
I am owned

I stand in front of
The closed door
I have been here before

I have been cold on your floor
I have been lied to
Deceived
Stolen from

My world turned
Upside down
On the premise
Of your promises
Your lies

I am angry
I stand breathing fire
Hands balled into fists
I am ready to colour
This fight into a war

But you are a coward
You run and hide
You do not fight
You do not defend

You are coward
A poor skilled shooter
Useless to the end.
You are nothing

Nothing I want to
Paint with my anger
And regret
If only you were worthy

How can I stay
When I'm in my way
Where do I go
When this is all I know

I look for you in places
You are not
In my heart
On my phone
In my bed
In the line when God gave
Strength and courage to man

I find you in unnecessary places
On permanent ink on my wrist
In the permanent scars of what is left
Of my heart.
All the places I can't hide from
There you are and all it does
Is make me want to look
For you less

You have no right
To prophet propaganda
About my life.
Underneath all of this
I loved you once.
Don't pretend you don't remember
Love had a life here
Between our fingertips
And words unspoken
A holy grail of light lived
Between the echoes of my sheets
And the hollow of each of my hearts skipped beats as you turned to leave
While I miss watching my world in your eyes
Miss watching you build universes while watching me
While I can now never look Into blue eyes the same without shivering deep inside where you so easily found my darkest hiding places
You still have no right

These will not be pretty poems
I have run out of ways
To paint this catastrophe
In any way other than what it is
All I have left is what is left
And none of that is pretty

You flow though my veins and me
I'm trying to write you out to set you free
You don't belong to me