the ringin g in          my              he ad       doe snt stop
it                   is                              so            lou d
a const a nt              dea d           s i lent  soun d
              eee e e e e e e e e  e  e    e            e          e           e             e                            
                          e e                      e ee                                     e e

         b                          w w aa                 a         a               a       a        
   a                        a                          ­ a    a                         a  
                                         w         a  a  
                   a            a                    a        a        a            ­  a               a  b      b


i   fe el               w eightl es s
im no t            m y se lf                                                          
p l ease          le ave         m e                                alo ne

  i wa n t                 t o                       be                       f ree                                  
  i t                hurt s                                      so mu ch
                             

i ca nt                                   h ear                    
i      am n ot                                         m e                  
i dont wa nt to            c ry
a     ny                                               mor e
                 i    m    sor ry

i h ad to  te ll the m
.


.


.



y                
                                        o      ­        
   u

                                 
     s      
                ­                                            h
                                o
                                                                ­                     u
                                     l
     d                                  
   n
                                                    t
         ­               
      h
                                                  a
                   v  
                                                             ­                                     e
                                                               ­     s
                  a
                                      ­            i
    d
  
                               m
y
                                                               ­                                             n
                  ­                                                  a
m      
     ­                             e

one more
isn't
just one.

sometimes,
i smile at the mirror,
to remind myself that i can.
because i've forgotten what it feels like.

sometimes,
i spend hours repeating the same phrase in my head,
just to make sure it sounds right.
"hi... could i please have the-"
it never does.

sometimes,
i stare at the crimson lines on my wrists,
and try to convince myself that they're beautiful.
no one else thinks that though,
so why should i?

sometimes,
i check my pulse,
because i need to know that life is temporary.
i need to know that one day it'll be over.

sometimes,
i stare at my reflection,
but i don't recognize the girl looking back at me.
why is she so broken?
she follows me like a ghost.

sometimes,
the time passes so slow,
that a minute feels like a day,
and i wonder if it'll ever end.
will it ever end?

sometimes,
i wake up with tear stains on my pillow,
blood soaked sheets.
i don't remember though.
regret is not an easy feeling to deal with.

sometimes,
i watch mouths move in front of me,
but the screams in my head take up too much space.
so i hear nothing.
"can you repeat that please?"
"sorry."

sometimes,
my hands are raw and tired, scratched away to nothingness.
"how'd you get that burn?'
all i can say is that it was an accident.
was it?

sometimes...
sometimes a lot of things.
sometimes i wish i wasn't here.
sometimes my body doesn't feel like mine.
sometimes i want to cut the pain out of my body.
is that possible?
sometimes.

She took a form,
of whispers in slightly silent sounds.
A sad and helpless woman,
soft spoken, and slightly broken.

Last night I saw her.
My body went numb,
and quickly into the cold.
She held my nose and my mouth closed.

Her wet, long hair brushes against my cheek.
Quickly realizing the wetness is the blood on her own.
Intense bleeding scratches below her eyes,
and her eyes with an iris in disguise.

I hear her again.
The whispers, the loud silence.
Turning more harsh as I began to struggle loose.
The cacophony of noise and air pressure in my ears, her grip imitated a noose.

I can't breathe,
it's starting to hurt.
She won't let go and I can't move.
I claw at the side of my beds, and this she disapproves.

W A K E  T H E  *******  U P  .

She yells,
and I quickly jolt awake.
Panic mode ensues,
and my mind's bulb has burned my sanity's fuse.

I go erratic,
and I feel like I'm losing my mind.
She took a form,
from my mind's dark thunderstorm.

...

and I don't know how to escape from Her.

beep beep beep

i wake up today and everything seems okay.
i get myself ready and dress up for today.

i put my backpack on and begin my trip to school.
pressing my forehead against the bus' window that feels cool.

i put my earbuds in and listen to nice music as i watch the sun rise.
but... i hear a kid shouting in the back going off about someone who looked weird to him, as he begins criticizing their appearance and personality and...

...nevermind that, today is good.
today is the day where depression is not being rude.

i quickly tune them out and concentrate on the lyrics.
and before i know it, i am already out of the bus, ready to be fearless.

i open the door and enter my school.
and... there's so much noise that quickly hits me all at once, and everyone is talking over each other and i see someone running and another yelling and it's only 8:20 in the morning...

... i walk quickly to the library, where it is most quiet.
i take a deep breath and calm down my mind's riot.

today is good, and i want to take advantage of this.
i dont get these as often, so it gets really easy to miss.

i remind myself that i need to keep happy.
dont let them get to your brain's anatomy.

i hear the bell ring, that means it's time for class.
I walk out of the library and into a mass.

of... people quickly walking to their respective classrooms, the hallways are becoming congested  and people are trying to run and push through and yelling and laughing and it only gets worse once the warning bell rings and...

... i found my classroom, im the first one in.
i take my seat and lift up my chin.

today is a good day, im not going to let it pass by.
i pull out my journal and let out a small sigh.

i think im handling myself pretty well, i hope it stays like this.
and... then people begin trickling into the room, one by one and then five at a time. it feels like everyone is looking at me, the girl in front of me always does like if i have something on my face. do i? i quickly check myself on my phone screen and...

... i realize what im doing and quickly put it away.
i have to stop acting like people are predators and im the prey.

i ignore my discomfort for the rest of my class' times.
i quietly do my work and im still keeping my happiness as my prime.

im doing okay, this is going great!
i hear someone talking about population rate.

wait... they're talking to me, ****, what do i say? im already stuttering and they have a surprised face. it's such an easy answer yet i make it so hard, i just need to get to the point before i talk too much and look like an idiot and provide them an example for why they should stay away from me...

... i go back to writing notes on my journal and pretend that never happened.
my hands are shaking and my forehead is dampened.

no, today is being nice to me, i need to let it be.
i know i'll feel accomplished at the end of the day, i just need to wait and see.

my stomach begins to rumble, i think im ready for some food.
i enter the cafeteria to place down my belongings, just to notice it be moved by someone rude.

and... then it hits me, the noises pick up once again and everyone is louder than ever. i mean of course they would be since it's lunch time, but do they really need to yell? i see a fight start and everyone crowds around, phones flashing, loud yelling and erratic laughing and...

...i feel horrified and quickly leave with my food tray.
im starting to panic, why isn't this feeling going away?

im supposed to be happy, ******* it, i made this my goal for today.
so why isn't this feeling going to bed to silently lay?

i lose my appetite to eat and throw it in the trash.
i feel my brain burning with fire and leaving traces of ash.

and... the noises are becoming closer and i hear everyone laughing. laughing at me, staring me down, i bring my hands up to touch my face and my cheeks are wet, im crying, i touch my chest, my heart beat is going crazy. my hands wont stop shaking. what is this? what is this feeling? i cant understand, i see so many eyes of different colors and shapes and they're all on me...

... how can i be happy when i feel everything is closing me in?
isolating myself in the walls within...

... i quickly fall back into sadness, and the cycle continues.
i can never get past this feeling here, the torture ensues.

the time goes fast when im in a panic.
it's 4 in the afternoon and my hands and ears feel like tv static.

i feel so exhausted and depressed and completely in a state of unrest.
and i know i have to get home and study for my upcoming tests.

but... i dont, i get home and lay down on my bed. i cry and cry because my feelings wont go away. im alone with my thoughts that torture my soul. i cant move, i cant enjoy the things i want to do. i have no motivation although im by myself now. but it's so hard to keep this up when im in my depressive state right now. i cant eat and my window falls into night, my eyes stay closed but my body keeps me awake with all its might. at some time, my mind finally goes to bed to lay. and i think to myself i just want nothing more but to

beep beep beep*

start another day.

take off my
clothes. you'll see
the red lines
intertwined with the
pain and suffering
that my heart
endures. the suffer,
the pain, it
doesn't go away.
undress me completely.
you'll see my
story. my weak
hands, my weak
heart, my shallow
breath, it all
tears me apart.
look at my
chest, not my
*******, that doesn't
matter right now.
you will begin
to see all
my insecurities here.
look at my
stomach, weathering away
the scratches all
over, stinging, bleeding
so much bleeding.
look at my
arms, the bumpy
red lines of
a depressed and
suicidal ***** who
believes the lies
fed into her
brain, just to
throw it back
out. look at
my thighs, the
fingerprints that are
engraved underneath the
red webs, the
home that the
metal-like spider
made. look at
my hands. my
cruel, unforgiving hands.
the greatest danger
known to man.
look at my
face. my insomnia
induced, tired face.
worn out from
tears and anger.
look at my
eyes. the salt
water burns my
retinas. blinded in
torturous traumas, taunting
my cheeks with
its bittersweet release.
look at me.
look past my
figure, my feminine
physique, my tongue
that licks the
very lips that
has kissed death
many times before.
leave me in
the ****. exposed
for everyone to
see. underneath my
clothes, underneath my
skin, maybe then
they will begin
to understand that
I am not
okay.