wisps of smoke
                    rising
from my knuckles and
                                       my thighs
                             i cry,
                                and i cry
          

                                              and cry

is
      speaking in french, wrapping our tongues around foreign
                                                         ­                                flavors and vowels,
          intertwining with each other,
                                                                ­ whispering
                                                      ­                                  mon amour,
                                                                ­                                my
        love love love love love love
    
what  
                           her hair and his eyes, gold liquidated, pooling
              in glass orbs and strings,

      shards and pools colliding and cascading

love
                          is this truth?
                she takes his hand and mind
       all at the same time and they both cry



what
is
love?

there's a pit in my stomach, a bottomless hole
where the sadness i swallow goes down to my soul,
where it sings the blues and wears grey hues,
and eats up the bad thoughts until it is full.

I wanted
someone
that wouldn't
be afraid

of me.

I spent
twenty-one
years
doubting
that person
could ever
exist.

For humans
are far too shallow
and our
complications
are

way too deep

but I honestly believe
we should not have to
be alone.

I believe in independence.
I believe in self-reliance
and I believe in self-respect.

But I also believe that
humans can connect
on a far deeper level
than just what we see.

I believe there is a time
and place
for everything
and that includes
the moments

we fall in love.

You see,
there will be days
that you fill
empty
and lonely
but you have
to be there for yourself.

No one is going to give you
a handout
unless you show them
you are going to
make it count.

No one is going to
rely on someone
that cannot
rely on them self.

Co dependence can be
beautiful
but nevertheless-
it is filled with
even more grief.

You cannot fix somebody else
when you are still
practicing
the craft
of self-love.

Allow your lows
to be reminders
that you
can lose
and smile
knowing
that you can
bounce back,
too.

There is nothing
graceful
in struggling
but there is
something
glorious
in the

overcoming

and believe me-
you will find a way
to live through it all.

And then
some day
somebody,
somewhere
is going to
admire
the way
you refuse
to fall.

And you will wonder
how you ever
let the world
make you feel

so small.

-Andrew Durst.

Tell me
The first time you met
How your stomach spinned
How the butterflies danced

Tell me
The first time you talked
How you fidgeted on your own
How you stuttered with every word

Tell me
The first time you touched
How your senses aroused
How your heart wanting to burst

Tell me
The first time you dated
How the billion of stars aligned
How the lovely moon smiled

Tell me
The first time you kissed
How time momentarily stopped
How magical, ephemeral it felt

Tell me
The first time he forgot
How betrayed you felt
How petty it seemed

Tell me
The first drop of tear
How you tried to wipe it away
How you acted okay

Tell me
The first time he lied
How hard you cried all night
How you forgave the next light

Tell me
The first time you fight
How he screamed so loud
How you hide like a child

Tell me
The first time he tried to break up
How your heart almost stopped
How you shamelessly begged

Tell me
The first time he walked away
How you cried in despair
How heart broken you've been

Tell me
The first sign of fading away
How the fire slowly loses it’s spark
How the story unfolds a twisted plot

Now tell me
How nights were so long, sleepless
How tears were almost blood
How dumb and numb and doomed it felt

Now tell me
How you handled the pain
How you remain “in-sane”
How you stitched every broken part

Now tell me
How time has nothing to do with it
How moving on was so hard
A state of mind, a choice

Now tell me
The moment you let go
The moment you forgive
The moment you walked away

-of memories
-the people specially him
-from the past, the pain

Now tell me
How freeing it felt
How the burden was lifted
How the heart was relieved

Now tell me
The moment you smiled again
The wicked grin “i’m over it”
The moment you’re living again

Now tell me, after him
The first smile
The first life
Ahh, much sweeter, better, genuine

Now tell me
That you learned a great deal
That you are stronger than before
That “first love” will always be special

Now that you’ve told me your story
I know, i know, you’re over it..

all i ask

is she worth me

in the back

of my mind

i hope

she’s worth more

you were the albatross

it was your hands versus mine,
it was your word versus mine,
it was us versus the world,
and it was like that,
always and forever,
forever and always

you swore
like a sailor and i swore
you were the most wonderful thing
i had ever laid eyes on,

and maybe the most confusing too

you could have called me,
told me we were
leaving,
and you know better than anyone
that i would have
thrown my whole life
into a suitcase and run
away with you

things are different now,
though, and it seems like
you’re ready to
leave,
but it’s the kind of leaving that’s
going to happen without me, without us,
without telling me

it has never, ever, ever been
my place to stop you

you aren’t much one for mercy,
and i should’ve known from the second
i met you. i learned
a lot that day, all of it about you;
i learned that your heart
beats differently
for me than for every
other person
on the planet,

and i found out that different
is not always good
with you.

the little boy with hands like wrecking *****
laughed when he should've cried,
eating emotions like the words
he didn't understand,
turning instead to building blocks
and mixing sands
elementary anger is flicking rubber bands
when you're a little boy with wrecking ball hands.