I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a balloon
Filled with hot hot air,
Brimming against latex
Pushing and pushing until there is no space.
No, see the the problem with balloons is that they're always on edge.
There's always a fear of gathering too much-
A load too heavy to be contained by simple material.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
No- not like a rubber band
On the wrist of a little girl,
Simple and strong,
Worn from the echoes of daily snapping.
No, see the problem with rubber bands is that they are stretched thin,
Pulled to make space for a larger load.
There is a constant tug for security,
But one tug is all it takes to break.

I want to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.
Like heat changing ice into water.
Let there be a catalyst to invoke my transformation.
I want to be fluid-
Able to adapt to different patterns, different directions, different holds.
Let me seep into the cracks, the thin lines, the rigid turns.
Give me the chance to take on different roles
And explore different facets of who I can be.

I'm ready to e                 x                 p                 a                 n                 d.

And in that moment
i loved with my whole heart

All my dreams fell down
Like the stars i wished upon.

I love him. I've loved him since the time he tied my left skate in March 2013. And it's a love that aches and hurts and explodes. But it's also a love that sings and twirls and laughs for no reason. It's a love that has you crying in the bathroom on a Saturday night but its also a love that has you dancing in the shower on a Monday morning. It's a love that's left me with cramped fingers, dry ink pens and full notebooks. It's a love makes me feel like a thunderstorm. It's a love that makes me feel like a sunset. He's not a home, he's a person. A wonderful one. And sometimes people say things like, "why would you forgive him," or, "why don't you just let go." And I smile. I used to get mad but out of all the types of love this is, it's also a love that's flexible. It's not a love that waits or chases but a loves that's there. It's a love that shares shoulders and stories. If I've learned anything about loving you it has been that if I cannot love you as a lover, I will love you as friend. I will love you messy handwriting, always asleep first, bad haircuts and all. Our love is flexible. Our love is patient. Our love is what happens when you rub your eyes. It's a love that bruises and bleeds and scabs and heals. It's a love that asks, "how was your day?" And would wait patiently forever for your reply. How was your day?

I don't need you
     (So why does this sweater still smell like you?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I walk the long way home?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I stall whenever I'm at the bottom of the hill?).
I don't need you
     (So why is your favorite song in my search?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep staying up late?).
I don't need you
     (So why is my phone on loud?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I keep looking at the door?).
I don't need you
     (So why do I have to keep reassuring myself?).
I don't **need you.