Add me to the list of show horses who've kissed a gun

I'm tired of beeing the beaten one.
No fun.

Sick of beeing the last man to run
I feel like eventually I'll amount to someone
But till that day I'm just a body.
My sports have become  hobies
Sleeping in hotel lobies.
Giving gobbies for coins
There is no fruit in my *****
Just an ache that lies in the wake of my discrimination.
Acting alongside my procrastination
No longer will my forehead bead with
Precipitation

I have become a man that could disappoint a nation

I hate defintions
if you define  me i become by defintion; defined

define feces
****
excriment
poo

once feces allways feces
you see?


you define me i have no room left to grow
i have nothing left to change i cant change my personality or my style my job or my lover
definie me and you **** me
so i dont mind that my best friends know so little about me
because the moment they know everything about me,
i become known
and my secrets arent my own
so when someone asks me to tell me about my self,
i like to respond  

"by definition; undefined"

She holds me while I rest uncomfortably
She grabs my hand when I'm lost in dark places.
Her fiery spirit reignites the embers in my cold soul.
With a kiss on the cheek she gives me the wings
That I'll leave this dreadful mortal space with.
She makes smooth the splinters in my conscience.
When I kissed her again
The bed of nails I was doomed to fall on
Was transformed into a field of her favorite flowers.
She takes away my itch for the volatile substances I crave so badly.
She changed me.
She makes me who I am.

I
airport walls
universty halls
hospital toilet stalls
for when nature calls
places to cold and clean
to sheen
places so white and clean
so fake and prestine
so healthy and safe


II

and all are for waste
the germs in hospital  stalls **** more
then the university walls see students
steering suicidely out windows and doors
looking for the quickest route to the floor
which might be four stories out of a window...
and into the paved covers of my concrete queen size
sleep for infinity what a way to rest my eyes
what a way to be alive
no stories to be told from dead eyes

So you replied
after telling me not to
im sure you lied
but ive decided ive got to
find out why
otherwise ill rot to
i share no pain any more
i just wish we could be more
then enemies on the same playground
because this swing-set is to big for the two of us,
and i have reinforcements hanging on the monkey bars
the feelings arent their any more
but it doesnt mean you dont have to be

Where does this zero go?
when is it o.k to say yes or no?
my transactions arent lining up
and my expenses have run amuck
and i think my buisness has  gone to ****
i think that i am out of luck

"One of these days I'm just going to sit down, put a pen to my head, pull the trigger and blow my brains out on a piece of paper."