I had a feeling
Yesterday night I think.
But my head might be wrong, as it is
Sometimes.

It was a queer feeling
Rather peculiar, one might say.
It was blank--as white as an
Unused sheet of paper

A Kaleidoscope of colours, shapes, sounds,
Feelings.
All put in the blender that was my head,
And so it mixed, clashed, tumbled, blended.

Into a white frothy substance--
Pure, clean, white.
The absolute, infinitely
enormous, sense of nothingness

And for that single, flashing fraction of
A moment,
I felt weightless, free from the burden of emotions.
The calm before the storm.

If only for a moment.

A uniquely unique me,
Is all I wanna be!
When you can be so special,
Why waste your own potential?

When I can move my ears,
And growl (although it's queer)
And choose how loud to ****
--consider it a type of art

When I can hiccup-****-sneeze,
And appreciate blue cheese
And laugh and chortle and guffaw
--all my friends stare in awe.

When I can recite so many words,
(It doesn't mean I'm a nerd)
And snack 20 times a day
--don't judge okay...

When you can do all that,
Why feel the need to act?
Please just accept the fact
You are you and that's that!

The sea strains for the sand,
pulling, grasping at
each precious granule,
Their lovers embrace
shattered
with the rise and fall of the tide.

But I am not the sea.
The sky is not my sand.
"Reach for the stars"
They say.
How?
When I am bound.
Chained to the rocks
Shackles made of iron
Caressing my feet

I reach for my sky
My haven, my light
But I cannot
For my wings are far too
Small, To carry my weight.
And I fall
      And fall
          And fall
Until I am grounded.
A fallen angel
Yet again.

It took just one teeny tiny slip
The slip of a tongue
Oh
No.
Mocking laughs, eyebrows
Raised high
But not at you, oh no no,
It wasn't even yours to tell
But you had to, didn't you?
Hesitation, what should I do?
Laugh along, as you do, in your own
Special way , but not this time
Maybe it was the shimmering air
That seemed to whisper, graze your skin
Or maybe it was the way
Your smile ended at your cheek
You were always not that good of a liar anyway
I could always tell, and you knew it
Was that why you
Spun away from me, put on your mask.
The one I had thrown away
I wonder when you had picked it up.

In the end
It was your conscience that
Killed you, murdered you,
At least the part of you that I cared
To search for
The burning part of you that
Seared itself into my memory.
I didn't mind, no, really
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes
You didn't think so, always the perfectionist.
Lately I seem to be a friend of the devil
He told me about his precious gifts to me
And why they seemed to
Latch on to me, like leeches, like glue
Like me and you, before all this happened.
I don't mind, really.
Now you act like it's a
Daily masquerade
You can't keep hiding, I did find you,
Remember? Please... I need you
You think distance will heal? I don't understand.
I really don't. Don't understand why you closed
This door, the one we painstakingly carved
Together.
I miss you,
I really do.

Nursery
Blurred shapes, lines of
hazy memories.
Babbling and wailing and curiosity,
Why, why and whys, and kissing boys
And not caring how others
thought of you.
Bright-eyed smiles, hopeful

Kindergarten
Fun-filled days of
Tricycles and grass under my feet
And swinging and falling and
Getting up.
Of giggling and friends forever and
Most of all,
Innocence that know no bounds.

Primary
No more tolerating of
Un-done homework.
Punishments and ugly laughter
And friends who ditch you
No more chortles, guffaws,
Only eye bags and rumours
brought by knowledge.

Secondary
New chapter, new
Friends, new school,
new, new, new...
Balancing precariously on an
Angry horse,
Threatening to buck and
--send you careening--
over the edge...
What's new?