What an honor to be touched with such soft gates
The secret keepers to your soul
Introduced to my own and secrets they are no longer
For with each shared breath the whispers of my stories flush out
Leaving more space for you settle into
Relying more on touch and sense than see
Leaving sight behind and letting go of fears

She was a poison oak
Growing in my side
Twisting out from my spine and nearly toppling my balance
Her roots taking nutrients from organs
Making sustenance from draining me
After years of clawing at her trunk so close to me with ****** fingernails
My hands are the axes that I have so desperately needed
And with one swift chop she is released from me
And that is it
With years of build up to this point all it took was a single axe to break the bond
And it is broken
But her roots lay deep within my spine
Aching
Gnawing
Pushing
And I must recognize that it will take time before the she is completely out of my system
Before all of the splinters that she has left behind are pushed through my skin and into daylight

Just because I can laugh in the face of my enemy
It does not mean that I am strong
It can mean that I am weak
That the fight inside me
That used to make me curl my lips and snarl
At those who oppose me and all that I am
Is gone
It can mean that there is nothing left to do
But be complacent
For there are some enemies that cannot be beaten
Some people are enemies simply by existing as themselves
They are so hardened like cement
In their own idealized perfect reflection of their lives
They see it every morning
And they continue to be the reason that I see nothing
But my own fear
After wiping the condensation from my mirror
The unbeatable enemy makes me laugh
Not because I am strong
But because it is amusing
To think that I once thought
That I could beat them

"What's your favourite part of school?"
They ask the young child
The response puts them in laughter
"Recess"
"That's not what we meant"
They try to explain
But the child knows more than they do
The child has known for a long time
They think the child is silly
That the expression *"I hate school" is irrational
School is supposed to be education
Is supposed to be learning
Is supposed to be fun
An unfulfilled supposition
The child knows this
Knows what it's like to be disrespected by teachers
Singled-out
Yelled at
Embarrassed by teachers
There are no teachers in recess
Recess is fun
Recess is what school is supposed to be
They laugh at the child for being silly
The child laughs at them for being oblivious

The anger doesn't go away
No one makes the anger what it is
It's just something that has always been there
The energy of the universe
Unable to be created or destroyed
As dictated by the first law of thermodynamics
So it is
So it changes
So it converts between people
Anger projected and harnessed
And eventually a build up of anger so big
Released so violently in a human reaction
It's always there and it's always in me
Just a potential anger so easily triggered by the surrounding world

They call me short tempered, but really
I am an exergonic reaction
Spontaneous with a small amount of activation energy
To release my anger onto the world around me
Leaving me drained of energy until more potential stores within me
Like it always does

I do no want to be angry
Anger is not an emotion you have truly felt
until you know how much it hurts
and how it unhinges your mind,
introducing scary new thoughts
into your consciousness

It keeps you up at night,
a feeling so intense that it interrupts
and erases all others,
leaving you
empty

It is a fuel,
but it burns *****
leaving debris and remnants
in the motor of your mouth

It pollutes every aspect of compassion
flowing through your veins

It will never run it's course and die out,
it sows the soil of your soul
leaving seeds of despair
reaping crops of destruction

Anger is not to be taken lightly because
it is the chemical manifestation
of all that is wrong in the world
finally
getting
to
your
head.

It's odd how we- being so full of life- put so much value into things that aren't. In this world, where everything can be made again, few things stand out as truly irreplaceable. Because deeply embedded within that object is a memory, a sensation, an emotion. And with the destruction of the object is the release of a memory. Now lost and unable to be recaptured. So be sad at the demise of those which can be replaced, but shed a tear for all your broken souvenirs.

We couldn't get the music right
Or a place to call our own
But in each other's bodies we made homes
And from our hearts we drew our warmth

We held each other still and stared at the stars and I could feel it coming
Bubbling up through the warmth in my chest
I could feel it spreading across my tongue
Into the warm air between our lips

"I love you"

"I love you too"

Then I pulled you as close to me as possible and kissed you until the world was spinning
And maybe it was something in the air
Or maybe it was the overwhelming feelings that you gave me
But either way you held me close and brought me back to our still oasis under the stars

When it's late at night
Try lying very still
So still
That not even the rhythm of your breathing
Disrupts the messy blankets on top of you
If you're still for long enough
You can forget to feel
No significant neural messages from your feet
And suddenly it feels like they're not there
Slowly, it will creep over you
A non-existent numbness
Draining away at all of the feelings
That connect you to your body
Until all that's left is a consciousness
Free to explore and think
Without being held back
By the organic confines that are meant to protect it.

I keep all my tears on chains
So tightly linked together
Are all the moment and memories
That have made me cry
No longer individual thoughts in my mind
They succumb to a game of dominoes
One link
One tear
More sadness yanks harder on the chain of tears
More links
More memories
More tears
I lose sight of the first link with salted vision
The first reason that I cried
Because there are too many links
Everything that has ever made me sad
Coming before my eyes overlapping
And I am tangled, restricted
Caught up in these tears that tie me down
The heaviest links resting comfortably on my chest
Not comfortable: consistent
Sometimes I forget that they are there
Because I am numb
And I catch a glimpse into a feeling
Freedom.
But I am not free
I have forgotten to look behind me
At the tangle of chains flowing backwards
As I try to move ahead
Caught and tied around my ankles
Resting tight upon my chest
Constricting
I must remember, I am not free.
No matter how much saltwater
Has rusted every link
They will not break
They will only grow
Grow
Grow
Grow
Until I can move no longer
For I weigh more of rusted metal
Than I do of flesh
Until the mass of chains and limbs is no longer defined by who I am
But by the links and tears and sadness
That follow me around
Where have I gone?
Where has my freedom gone?
I must remember, I am not free.

You can try to light up the shadows
But then all you're left with
Is a blurry space that used to separate light and dark
Now everything that used to make you smile
Makes you sad
And being sad
Spreads a reverse frown across your cheeks
So you try to shine a new light on your shadows
But it will blur out the boundaries
And end up casting even more shadows
Speckled across other aspects of your life
The act of trying to light up the most places in our lives
While leaving the smallest shadows
Is simple human nature
You can keep adding light
Add the sun and the stars
But there will always be a place that looks darker than the rest
Because simply taking part in our own lives
Means that our lives will never be free of shadows

It's the reason why eulogies seem so nice
Because the dead have left their own lives for us to see
And their deaths have taken those nasty shadows with them
And all that are left
Are the small overlooked shadows
Technicalities of how the light falls
So even if the deceased have suffered through darkness
Their entire lives
Looking back with their eulogies
Compares their lives to blissful sunshine

For the way the light falls around us
Is not our decision
But if there is one thing for certain
It is that we are the biggest shadows
Our light-basked lives will ever meet.

Don't date boys who say '*****'.
Don't think that they will respect you because you are dating.
Don't trust them to just hold you and keep you safe because they are the ones who took your safety away.
Don't listen when they say you are overreacting when the voices in your head and of the crowd around you try to erase everything you feel with his shiny white teeth and pristine record.
Don't trust boys who say '*****' any more than you would trust boys who call you a ***** to your face.
Please, I know it's hard,
Don't blame yourself for the actions of the boys who say '*****'

please breathe
please breathe some more
and more
and more
you will be okay
I will be okay
perfection is not mandatory
not possible

you are enough

ringing validations out to yourself in the moonlight of the night is enough
for now
and maybe for always
please breathe
you can sleep
you will never finish
but you are always complete
so sleep