Yellow painted walls. This place makes me smile.
As she sits there by night studying, her dress flows elegantly in the wind
That is blowing through the balcony door.

Polka dots in black and white, she bites her pencil tip.

She makes me smile.

Waiting for the call that will never come.
I die inside every hour, every minute.
I reach across the couch to grab my phone.
Before I pick it up, I pull back my hand as if denying myself the disappointment I already know.

She never lied to me, she never hurt me.
I guess she just didn't want to hear "I love you" from me.

Can't eat, unable to cry, barely able to sleep, too depressed to drink.
She doesn't know how much I hurt, and I don't want her to know either.
I'm tired of it. I can't take another crack in my heart. It will break.
So I sink into my couch, phone on the other cushion, staring somewhere at the air between the TV screen and my face.

I just want relief in somebody's arms.

When I was 16, I slept-drove in my car.

Walking outside half-naked, I pulled my keys from my underwear like it was a jean pocket.

Entering my 2001 white Pontiac, I put the keys in the ignition and drove two miles before I merged onto the 101 S FWY.

I woke up terrified and behind the wheel, not knowing where I was until I was in the next city over. I drove back immediately.

Needless to say, I would have had no explanation if my parents or the authorities had found me...

Waiting for the big restart.
Imagining a corner pocket with the lights off, all drinks served room temperature. Harmonica in my pocket, an acoustic leaning on a seat made of worn leather. No politics, no war, no religion, no John Lennon songs necessary. Just empty homes and never-watched, stocked pharmacies. Walk-ins preferred, no prescription necessary.

Boredom would be our only enemy, bibles our note paper. God packed up and left. It's a great neighborhood to raise your kids.
Nobody needs a bomb shelter when the bombs have all fallen.
Sitting in a lawn chair, with a good friend and no cares, watching nature retake her world.

I am waiting for that day to come.

Insidious doors that close linoleum floors keep the secrets of the man hidden from the poor.
It's a shame the way he makes me work for more.
Fear is the weapon of our enemies and allies.
Crying wolves, crying wolf while slaying dear.
Maybe we are better off this way.
On blue moons, our eyes turn red and we say we are done and won't take it again.
Force fed, force shaved, forced to listen and forced to behave.
It's a shame the way he makes me feel depraved.
I shout, scream, stand up and get mad.
Tear apart the room without saying a word.
***** you, you aren't my Dad.

Have my cake and eat it too?
**** me off under the table while the social network takes a stab. I don't care. F%&K; the media's news.
I see the headlines spelled a million different ways, but you are still the one that has to sleep at night, knowing you nurtured a nation that reaped and *****.

The innocent, the young, the scared, the hopeful, the dreamers, the soldiers, the vagabonds, the artists, the entertainers, the founders, the church-goers, the fishermen, the students, the Samaritans, the stay at home mothers, the policemen, the American man. His soul and the spirit they tried to preserve.
Lied to and tapped, again and again.
It's a shame the way he makes me give and take.
Inside us, inside the US.
Without asking.

It's quite a feeling to wake up each day a little less numb. Honestly, it's terrifying to feel... anything. When somebody has carried on for so long without allowing oneself to feel love, accept love, or take risks to find love, they start to find that they are only half a human and only half living.

This chord may resonate like the sad sound of a violin because maybe the last time you fully loved someone, it gave you the ultimate pain, sadness, loss and suffering to the point where your favorite places, foods, music, shows, hobbies became a hole in your heart and breath. Where the sanctuary of sleep meant nothing to the rising haunted and longing memories within. Where the only solution you can think of is not waking up again and again.

That hole never goes away, and it's something that you just try to get used to. Some people don't, and they take their lives, or die of a broken heart, while others become lifeless. These last hold no light within their eyes, walking amongst us like hollow puppets on strings led onward by everyone else but themselves, never recovering from the shock of the loss of what they loved more than their self.

One remarkable feeling that often remains in loss is hate. To find blame and ask why a million times about a million things and run in a circle screaming at the top of your lungs every time the radio plays their favorite song and you blame the DJ for reminding you is insanity, but you're just looking for somewhere safe...

But you can never have it another way and you make lemonade as best as you can, unsweetened and sour. Knowing we all expire like the lemons under the tree, we make that **** lemonade and bring our recipe to market. With a second wind, the slightest breezes somehow keeps blowing down your lemonade stand.

Others may laugh and abuse you for what they see as a ****-poor performance at making lemonade, but they don't know how hard it was for this person to crawl on ****** hands and broken knees while their salty tears fell into the lemonade they call their own life then shakily offer you a half full Dixie cup of everything they had left.

I applaud those who have had to make lemonade with less than lemons and I applaud those who are willing to try these ad hoc recipes the most broken of us scribble frantic and blindly. Society tells us it is universal that we all want love, but the things that love entail like sadness, grief and loss are unwanted and many believe they can avoid the minefield by being picky, guarded, flighty or selfish... That's not love.

Love is work, love is painful. Love can take a lifetime out of you. It requires that we dedicate precious time here on Earth which we never get back to someone other than ourselves, and that is a risk that must be taken if it is to be found. You will get hurt, you will be broken, you will survive or succeed on your own terms. As humans, we look at the world and wonder why about everything; why am I alone? why does love hurt?

Only the universe knows. O' to say we should never ask if it was worth it and laugh. It always is. Even if you end up at 88 or 28 placing flowers on their grave, love is worth the risk.

I saw a homeless man give a mother money,
A businessman brag in an emergency room,
A teenager who cut his wrists tried dying,
And an old man pray for his wife to live.

You keep running, I keep chasing...

I look at photographs of us to remind me of the love I have and the love you shared. Six years running.
Little things like the scent of your perfume as I pass a beauty shop makes me promise to never give up. This, my heart must bear.
Just like Jenny made Forrest Gump.
  
So you keep running, and I keep chasing you...

You say you love me. So much, that if I died, you couldn't live.
But you never stay for long by my side before you're gone again.
"You don't have to run. Just jump in, I'll give you a ride."

But you keep running, and I keep driving alongside...

Quivering amber-green eyes, afraid of staring back, glance serenely into me, gently.
She speaks somber, softly, and quickly. "I love you. Help me run, one day, you can escape from me."

Yet she keeps running, and I keep chasing her.

The diagnosis she has is an unstoppable fear.
She doesn't need to run, she just needs her home and to stop diving into tears.
The dream she shared of us together, the one she is looking for.
Every morning I pray she finds it at the finish line.

So after six years, she stops to let me hold her in my arms.
If it happens, I will never let go.

From the very depths of my being.

Spreading as a warmth, inside from out.
Snuffing the wick of the candle, I exhale and Ignore the doubt.
Wandering, wondering where the world went,
The stars in the sky fell down again and again.

Then again....

Where was I when I was gone?
How many times have the dogs within me have me pet them then rip me apart?
I'm tired of crying, and begging, lying and crawling in the dark,
Never knowing what is too near or too far.

Then again, I hope I never do it again.

I'll look for God, the God in myself, and remember what it means,
To be a man once again.

Never again.

I want there to be nothing but smiles on your faces.
I want music playing, with laughter and dancing.
I want you all to know how much I loved you.
I want to fade away into that soft light, the quiet night.
I want to walk out the door without a farewell
Because there are no such thing as goodbyes.

She loved animals.
Her favorite ice cream was mint chip.
She loved Lord of The Rings and fantasy.
Her favorite shows were Trailer Park Boys and Rick & Morty.

Her favorite city was San Francisco.
Her favorite beach was El Matador.
Driving through the canyons of Malibu at sunset,
Bottles of wine and sushi was her favorite date night for two.

She loved music and concerts:
Sublime, Tool, The **, Reel Big Fish, 311 and all of the 90's alternative.
She could play the piano and the bass,
But was a pro when a pen and sketchbook were in her face.

She never fired a gun, but loved archery and fishing;
Unless we ate, it was only for fun.
She was the best at make up and constantly changed her hair.
She was always worried what others would think,
Although I never cared.
She was wild and beautiful, that's why they stared.

She valued freedom over everything.
She never got a tattoo, although she wanted one.
She loved motorcycles, but never owned one.
She loved taking risks, jumping or falling.
It was why she stumbled while she was here with the living.

She loved me, but we never married.
She didn't want kids, but loved them truly.
She didn't want to be held down, she wanted to be carried...
Her dream was to grow wings... To drift like a fairy.

I rather see her fly free than be locked in this worldly cage with me.
I just wish our fates weren't separated now by me having to age... I  wouldn't be stuck here on Earth with such a long wait to see her face.

Best friends, lovers. I was your boy, you were my girl.
On the beach, or under the covers.
The memories are priceless, forever shared with one another.
I wish we made more before it was over, but it was enough.
I won't cry over this, but it will be tough.

I'm coming soon my love... Not today nor my intention, but I promise to live with meaning and more careless abandon; to let go of what doesn't matter, and remember your favorite things, whether I am down here, or beside you in heaven watching the angels' wings' flutter.

Funny how you can see yourself at the bottom of the barrel for your entire life.
Funnier how you can end up being at the top of the food chain.
Sad how some people never learn to let go.
Sadder how some people can never hold on.

A year has gone by.
I have been high, I have been low.
I can never go or come back again, experience goes to show.
I'm over it, I'm done. I kicked it all for good.
Just keep moving, walking and breathing, just like you should.
Because you are beautiful. I knew you always were.
Just smile and watch my feet as they move through the neighborhoods.

My friend Scott and Fred...
They were my heroes.
Fred, the ex-convict and drug addict,
Finally came into the good guy and family man he was supposed to be.
Scott was my group leader.
The nicest guy you will ever meet.
Young, good looking, with a **** good head on the man's shoulders.
They were trying so hard.
Fred moved out of the home.
Once he got out, it only took 11 days.
He fell... and he took Scott with him too.
Now they are on the list of people for whom I pray.
Only one in five of us here are supposed to survive.
Please God, let me stay alive...
Let me live today.

Zombie dreams and zombie scenes
Why do the zombies come after me?
No matter where I run, no matter where I hide
The zombies always come and eat me alive.
Axes, bats and crowbars, knives, guns and cross
No nation nor religion can stop the pain and loss.
For when zombies eat your friends, your friends will eat you too.
Unless you're lucky and survive.
Then what will you do?

I've said it before...
I could spend the rest of my life with you from the start.
Kids or not, whatever you would want.
With a house where we could make ends meet
And still make all of our art.

It's a dream, but some people will try hard enough in this world
Where they can come true.
Whenever I am drunk, lonely, *****, being hit on or flirting,
I always think of you...

I know you know what love is; somewhere hiding inside.
I don't just act like I love you when I am around,
I act and feel it wherever I go, I don't have to try.

But you can't promise me anymore. Just do it or don't.
I just want you to start living, and see what you find.

Love me, or love me no more. Let's please make up our mind.

Why is human life so valuable?
...Well is it?
Depends on who's values
My values?
I have none.
I lost them, taken away by my big brother.
Somebody PLEASE tell me the value of a life...

Is on my back left shoulder.
I forget it's there sometimes.
It is a tree of life and all of it's changes.
Because of it, when I die, I won't be buried with my family.

Just burn me, turn me to dust, return me to the sea.
Because I really don't care what you think of it, or me.

I saved my friends life today.
He was afraid,
Afraid of letting go of his fears.
His ego was whispering in his ear, not letting go.
I spoke to his snake and listened to it's hisses.
I told it to shut the **** up.
It struck and missed.
I dodged it without moving and let my diamond body deflect the fangs.
I won't let you hurt him anymore.
Your teeth are named fear and denial.
You coiled my friend and isolated him.
I twisted your skin, pried, unwrapped it and let him breathe and cry.
To be free of the suffering yet embracing the pain,
My brother thanked me, got up off the ground and was able to walk away.
I looked at you serpent, on the ground, alone now and astray,
Took our Vindication and made it a sword to slay.
Struck you down and cut your head off. On the ground you laid.
Freedom. Forever more. Unafraid.

You're welcome my friend, go hunt down another snake,
And save another's life, so he can another's.
Right now, Today.

You never feel like you're being used until they stop.

Shine forever inside
                                                          ­                                                Let brazen halo encircle and sway
                                                            ­                                              Keep warm till the moon will rise
                                                            ­                                              Rest until the morning haze

Effervescent, like liquid gold
Last until the death of life
Make the spaces between our hearts bright
So we can swim in this soft light

                                                       Holding heat but not to burn
                                                       Reflect with your companions
                                                      ­ Closer to this bending prism
                                                       Mirrors, water and white
                                                           ­                                                 
                                                                ­                                             You can be ten million miles away
                                                            ­                                                 So far to stretch your solar rays
                                                            ­                                                 Yet you never go out in the night
                                                           ­                                                  Not tomorrow, not today

Love and give tirelessly while you say
Silently, I will disappear one day
But never will we remember
                                                        ­                                                     Because my burning sun still shines

Every person has a puzzle and rarely is there a key.
For each corner we turn around, we find another enemy.

Something's creeping, crawling inside.
Personal wars we make, where the bullets fly.

Killing for a name, for an upgrade, we **** each other.
Only to get *****,
Quietly...

Ducking for cover was never an option when you were raised painfully.
Words of love died why?
You forgot to sing to me.

I'm off to war dad, don't take it personally.
We all have a battle.
We all have temptations to feed...
Some love, while some greed.
Just remember to do it
Quietly.

I never yielded to you.
No matter how hard you hunted me down.
I didn't have to run I found out.
I just had to stand my ground.

I stood above your altar and read my own passages,
Of the friends others had lost because of you,
Of the enemies made, the loves that did fade
The families torn and bodies frayed.

You can never ******* have me. Never.
Go ahead and whisper in my ear.
Do it for two and a half years.
See what I will do, when you don't get to be in here.

The only problem I have,
Is that you can't leave.
Because you are in my head.
And if I tried to **** you,
I would be dead.

But I can choose to live or to die.
I can choose to tell the truth or to lie.
I can believe or deny.
What goes on inside...

So decide.
What your reflection shows you gives you the chance
To look into your own Devil's eyes.

I step through
Giving way to
Those that break me
Take me
Give me what I need
To suffer in serenity.
Break my being in two.

Creeping over me,
Melting off the mold which hides
Fires burn
Yet stop the movement inside.

Don't give into the hate of the free
It's free of the hate in you and me.

Still like a light,
Sun, skin, the blood inside of me
Gives me consideration
into what my past and tense will be.
That feeling comes over me again.
Like a cover over my eyes
Once again blinding what I see.

Save me.