I wish I could make you love me.
But then...
Would it be true love?
But then...
Do I really care?
Because all I want
In any way
In any shape
In any form
Is for you to love me

The crazy thing is people think they know you. They think that because they know the sound of your laugh and the face you make when you don’t like something, they have you figured out. But they don’t. They don’t know about the things you’ve been through and how those things have shaped you into who you are and why you do the things you do. Why you have the scars you do, on your skin or on your soul and heart. They think they know, but really they couldn’t even begin to grasp who you are. The reason you have the mannerisms you do. The reason you turn out the third wheel on your skateboard so the logo shows. The reason you took up guitar in the first place. The reason you can’t wear black Vans. Where you got that ring on your fourth finger and why you wear it. Why when that song comes on, you’ll always pause for a moment, if even for just a fraction of a second, and remember that summer you’d swore to never forget. These things make you who you are, and maybe no one will ever fully understand that. But I think that’s beautiful. I think we’re all just beautiful masterpieces made up of these little unique quirks, and these amazing memories, some happy, some sad, some peaceful, some even heartbreaking. But all of them beautiful. Because they’re all woven together and jumbled up to make us into who we are. I don’t know, I think that’s beautiful.

I never knew one person could cause so much heartache.
Sobs shake my whole body,
Gasping breaths tear at my throat,
Deep coughs hack at my lungs.
But nothing hurts as deeply as this crushing, consuming pain in my chest.
Snot runs down my face,
Tears soak my cheeks.
Love is not beautiful.
It is ugly.
It is painful.
Love means giving someone the power to destroy you.

I am beautiful.
But you are not her...
My doubts creep up.
Crocodiles from a dark swamp
“Go away.” I whisper.
I am kind.
But no one likes you as much as her...
“Stop!” I plead.
They get louder.
You will never be enough.
Not for him. Not for them.
You are a burden.
No one wants you around.
I scream.
Then...
Silence.
I am alone.

Let’s fall in love
Because falling in love
Will make the pain go away
Falling in love
Will make me happy again
But please
Please don’t leave me on my own
Because if you leave me on my own
After I’ve already fallen
I will never recover from another fall
I will be broken forever

I don’t leave the other side of the bed empty anymore
I guess that means I’ve given up.
I stopped sending you texts inviting you over
I guess that means I’ve given up.
And yet
I still turn the sound up on my phone
Even while I sleep
Just in case you call.
And yet
I still break down into tears
When I’m laying there alone.
I wish I could throw my feelings out
Out in the trash, where they belong
Life would be easier, wouldn’t it.
Instead
I long for when you’ll love me back

Have you even been rock climbing, and you lose your grip.
That’s what heartbreak feels like.
One second you’re focused on your goal, one hand in front of the other, and the next, you’re falling.
Reaching for the hand hold, holding it in your grasp, then you just...slip.
You’re falling backwards, hand outstretched reaching for the handhold that was supposed to hold you up and keep you from falling, the handhold that was just there, but it’s only getting farther away.
You feel like you’re falling in slow motion.
The rope is going to catch you, but you’re not thinking about that right now. You’re thinking about that handhold you had in your grasp, but just...lost.
Or maybe you saw it coming. Maybe your arms and legs are aching from the exhaustion of carrying on for so, so long.
You’re carrying the weight of things left unsaid, or worse, things said that can’t be taken back.
Insecurities, problems without solutions, the things weighing you down weigh hundreds of pounds. And finally, limbs shaking, fingers aching, all your fight in you gone, you collapse under the weight.
And despite everything...despite all that work, despite all the blood, sweat, and tears, it’s all over. You couldn’t make it.
Despite the fact that you gave it every ounce of strength you had in your body.
It’s just another heartbreak.

Love just really freaking *****.
Because you fall in love with someone who you know is no good for you.
Because you love someone so strongly and you long for them so deeply, you can’t keep yourself away.
Or worse, you feel yourself being torn apart when you keep yourself from them.
And the pain never lessens.
It never gets easier.
Months go by but the pain stills rips through your heart like a knife when you see an old picture,
Your favorite picture of you and him laughing, without a care in the world, seemingly so happy.
And even though the words he said and the things he did still cut like double edged swords...
You still want him back. You still want him to hold you. You still want to stroke his hair and hear his laugh.
But he hurt you. So why do you want him back in your life?
If I knew, I’d figure it out and stop it.
Because here he is calling me and asking me to come over over. Here he is asking me to stay.
And it’s all I really want right now, is to be with him, but I need to say no, I HAVE to say no, but I just can’t because I’m so hopelessly in love with him. Even when he’s only hurt more than he’s helped.
I’m in love with him.
I know staying the night will only end with me crying in my bed alone. But I stay anyway. Because my heart pulls me to him like the moon pulls to the earth.
If I could stop it I would. But I just can’t.
I’m in love with him.

I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t ready to look up from his lips and not see your face. I wasn’t ready to wake up and roll over to a face that wasn’t yours. I wasn’t ready to move on at all.

I hope you lie awake at night because falling asleep in a bed without me in it feels so wrong.
sleep feels impossible because you know you can’t take back the daggers you spit or heal the cuts you slashed into my skin.
The blood you spilled tumbled down onto the ground and my screams you once ignored now haunt you.
I hope you lie awake at night and understand what you did, and mourn the loss of me in your life.

you told me i wasn’t enough for you
no, you screamed it.
slapped me across the face with it.
not with your words
but with your actions
and i don’t know which is worse.

I’m so sick of you!!!
I’m so sick of your never ending, constant back and forth.
I’m so sick of you deciding to care about be one minute, then the next you’ve somehow forgotten who I am.
I’m so sick of thinking I’m okay, then I see you and I fall apart.
I’m so sick of breaking down into tears because you make me feel small and insignificant.
I’m so sick of this feeling like my very soul is being ripped apart millimeter by millimeter deep inside my chest, and I want to just scream at the top of my lungs to release this crushing weight consuming me.
And I try.
I scream and I cry and I sob, but nothing eases this ache constricting my lungs, holding my breathe hostage.
How can one person cause so much pain.
And how can you feel no pain at all while I can’t seem to even function? How is that fair, how in the world is that fair, that you’re fine, while I can’t even remember who I am anymore!
I’m barely living, I’m just getting by, this weight on my back is about to CRUSH me.
In fact, HAS crushed me. I’m broken, and I’m bruised, and some days, I can’t even stand.
But you’re fine. Happy, even.
How in the world is that fair.
That someone that caused so much pain and destruction...can come out completely unscathed.
I’m so sick of you.

Okay but get this.
He said to me, you know my love for you is unconditional right
HA. I laughed in his face.
In my head I was thinking...you know the definition of unconditional love, right?
Because your love is anything but unconditional.
It is absolutely situational.
Your unconditional love is heavily affected by one condition, therefore disqualifying it as unconditional love.
So don’t lie to me.
Don’t tell me your love is unconditional, when you don’t love me under certain conditions don’t tell me that lie.
I’ve never understood why people tell that lie why that make that commitment when they’re not ready to.
It should be that simple it should be that cut and dry.
Don’t tell me you love me don’t tell me you care unless you’re **** well going to back it up with your actions.

I had to let go of someone I really loved because they just weren’t right for me.
And it *****. Really, it’s awful. And it doesn’t get any easier.
But it’s okay. Because it was the right thing to do. Because even though they were doing their best, it wasn’t enough. And that’s not their fault. And that’s not my fault. It’s no ones fault. It just...is.
What I finally realized is that I need to put me and my happiness before anything and anyone else. And that includes the people I love.
I realized that even though he was doing his best to love me, it wasn’t enough, and the damage that was doing to me wasn’t worth it.
I realized that sometimes, ‘just love’ just isn’t enough.
I realized that even though right now, pulling me and him apart feels like my world collapsing, it’s what will cause the least amount of hurt in the long run. For both of us.
I realized that love accompanied with so many tears, so much fear, so much anxiety, so much crushing pain, isn’t love worth keeping around. It’s better having no love at all.
I realized I deserve someone who will love me and not make it feel like such a burden and a chore.
So yes, I am broken. And I am in pain. I have tears running down my cheeks. But still I stand tall as I can and know I will one day be whole again.