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I thought I was ready to move on. I thought I was ready. But I wasn’t ready to look up from his lips and not see your face. I wasn’t ready to wake up and roll over to a face that wasn’t yours. I wasn’t ready to move on at all.
I am beautiful.
But you are not her...
My doubts creep up.
Crocodiles from a dark swamp
“Go away.” I whisper.
I am kind.
But no one likes you as much as her...
“Stop!” I plead.
They get louder.
You will never be enough.
Not for him. Not for them.
You are a burden.
No one wants you around.
I scream.
I am alone.
I wish I could make you love me.
But then...
Would it be true love?
But then...
Do I really care?
Because all I want
In any way
In any shape
In any form
Is for you to love me
Let’s fall in love
Because falling in love
Will make the pain go away
Falling in love
Will make me happy again
But please
Please don’t leave me on my own
Because if you leave me on my own
After I’ve already fallen
I will never recover from another fall
I will be broken forever
I’m so sick of you!!!
I’m so sick of your never ending, constant back and forth.
I’m so sick of you deciding to care about be one minute, then the next you’ve somehow forgotten who I am.
I’m so sick of thinking I’m okay, then I see you and I fall apart.
I’m so sick of breaking down into tears because you make me feel small and insignificant.
I’m so sick of this feeling like my very soul is being ripped apart millimeter by millimeter deep inside my chest, and I want to just scream at the top of my lungs to release this crushing weight consuming me.
And I try.
I scream and I cry and I sob, but nothing eases this ache constricting my lungs, holding my breathe hostage.
How can one person cause so much pain.
And how can you feel no pain at all while I can’t seem to even function? How is that fair, how in the world is that fair, that you’re fine, while I can’t even remember who I am anymore!
I’m barely living, I’m just getting by, this weight on my back is about to CRUSH me.
In fact, HAS crushed me. I’m broken, and I’m bruised, and some days, I can’t even stand.
But you’re fine. Happy, even.
How in the world is that fair.
That someone that caused so much pain and destruction...can come out completely unscathed.
I’m so sick of you.
Love just really freaking *****.
Because you fall in love with someone who you know is no good for you.
Because you love someone so strongly and you long for them so deeply, you can’t keep yourself away.
Or worse, you feel yourself being torn apart when you keep yourself from them.
And the pain never lessens.
It never gets easier.
Months go by but the pain stills rips through your heart like a knife when you see an old picture,
Your favorite picture of you and him laughing, without a care in the world, seemingly so happy.
And even though the words he said and the things he did still cut like double edged swords...
You still want him back. You still want him to hold you. You still want to stroke his hair and hear his laugh.
But he hurt you. So why do you want him back in your life?
If I knew, I’d figure it out and stop it.
Because here he is calling me and asking me to come over over. Here he is asking me to stay.
And it’s all I really want right now, is to be with him, but I need to say no, I HAVE to say no, but I just can’t because I’m so hopelessly in love with him. Even when he’s only hurt more than he’s helped.
I’m in love with him.
I know staying the night will only end with me crying in my bed alone. But I stay anyway. Because my heart pulls me to him like the moon pulls to the earth.
If I could stop it I would. But I just can’t.
I’m in love with him.
Have you even been rock climbing, and you lose your grip.
That’s what heartbreak feels like.
One second you’re focused on your goal, one hand in front of the other, and the next, you’re falling.
Reaching for the hand hold, holding it in your grasp, then you just...slip.
You’re falling backwards, hand outstretched reaching for the handhold that was supposed to hold you up and keep you from falling, but it’s only getting farther away.
You feel like you’re falling in slow motion.
The rope is going to catch you, but you’re not thinking about that right now. You’re thinking about that handhold you had in your grasp, but just...lost.
Or maybe you saw it coming. Maybe your arms and legs are aching from the exhaustion of carrying on for so, so long.
You’re carrying the weight of things left unsaid, or worse, things said that can’t be taken back.
Insecurities, problems without solutions, the things weighing you down weigh hundreds of pounds. And finally, limbs shaking, fingers aching, all your fight in you gone, you collapse under the weight.
And despite everything...despite all that work, despite all the blood, sweat, and tears, it’s all over. You couldn’t make it.
It’s just another heartbreak.
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