It's been one of those days.
I'm craving your smooth oak taste.
You know exactly how to calm me down.
Help me cope with anything thrown my way.
As soon as you touch my lips, I feel at ease.
And once you're inside me, I can breathe.
Every night with you is a pure cathartic release.
That's why I keep you stocked so you'll always be ready and waiting for me.

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
Feeling as if I would never possess the strength to love another again.

I gave you every ounce of my being in hopes you would one day give me yours.
I loved you hard & deep so you would always feel reassured of my commitment to us.
And there's nothing I wasn't willing to do for you so you could see how I could be enough.

Yet in the midst of me being everything I thought you wanted & needed I lost myself.
Settling for much less than I deserved.
Making excuses in my mind that you didn't know better & needed time.

I was playing roles of friend, lover & wife.
Doing each one happily without compliant.
All the while failing to realize how I had no ring.

The blessing & curse of being a woman.
It's our nature to nurture & give with no restraints.
Even when reciprocity eludes us in sometimes harsh ways.

I still hear your cruel tone of how you wanted to end things.
Trying to scold me on what I did wrong.
Never acknowledging your own faults though at all.

The audacity of you to yet again leave me in pain.
It's mind blowing how someone whose image is that of a good God fearing man can cause someone so much unnecessary heartache.
It just might take a church scandal outing your truth for you to realize the errors in your ways.

I remember my heart sinking into my stomach.
Heavy with sadness & pain.
But I'm snapping out of wallowing in my misery & regaining my power of being the amazing woman I almost let you break.

Some days I feel too weak to carry on.

The pains of life feel so unbearable to withstand.

My eyes are constantly watery & red.

I conceal my hurts by masquerading as someone who can conquer all.

My family & friends would tell you I can.

But that's because not even they know the heavy burdens & hurts I bear.

It's tough to keep trying to keep my hope alive.

To not let my faith keep dwindling & eventually die.

I know God hears prayers but I just feel like sometimes He doesn't hear mine.

I'm screaming on the inside.

Breaking down piece by piece.

While quietly praying for peace.

I've contemplated taking my own life but never can actually do it.

Something always seems to intervene & the knife ends up once again staying clean.

Maybe it's God stopping me cause I have a purpose.

I wish I would have some great revelation.

I'm tired of living this way.

I need rehabilitation.

On December 25th He was born.
He that is the key to enteral life.
He whose blood paid for our sins.
Making the greatest sacrifice.

He is the King of Kings and Lord of Lords.
To Him all bow before.
He is the way for us to follow to obtain all we want out of life.
And the help we need to deal with our lives daily strifes.

I can't go a day without talking to Him.
His word fills me with hope & faith.
I'm forever in need of His comfort.
His love, grace & mercy are what keep me from going asunder from the different obstacles I face.

All should know Him.
Our goal should be to do good in this life so we can meet Him one day.
For He is everything.
And with all that said, you should now know His name.

Why must I constantly doubt myself?
When will I realize my worth?
What will it take for me to see that if I just work on being the best me,God will give me my wants and needs?

How is it I know better but don't do better?
Why do I insist on sometimes playing the fool?
Is real love suppose to go through so much pain and feel like a never ending puzzle game?

What is the purpose behind all my tears?
Why does this cycle of torture never stop spinning?
When will I finally get the strength to take control of my life and start winning?

What if I'm really as damaged and crazy as I feel?
What if I'm really losing my mind?
How can I keep my inner fire to keep fighting burning and alive?

When will I be genuinely happy?
Why does it seem so far away?
What is one to do when feeling so confused and astray?

These are the questions of my heart that I pray to have the answers to one day.

I'm my own worst enemy.

Having constant battles between my heart & mind.

I know better but I don't do so.

My focus is not in-focus and it's driving me insane.

I easily let trivial things consume me to the point I'm either enraged or in tears feeling my heart break.

It's a travesty.

I know God is displeased with me.

He gave me wisdom beyond my years like He did for Solomon.

But I don't tap into it enough to keep me from indulging in life's daily lusts.

My heart is good and my intentions are never malicious.

I just have this bad habit of following my flesh's desires rather than that of my spirit's.

And yes I know I'm human and being so means I'm going to make mistakes.

It's just tough for me to use that as an excuse every-time when I know my will to be better would be stronger if I prayed a little harder.

You give life to what you think and I have a few things that need to die.

I can't keep holding myself back by being in my own way all the time.

God have your way with me.

I surrender to your will and ways.

For I know by doing so I'll no longer be in ******* by my mistakes.

And be able to live a life filled with abundant blessings because of your favor and grace.