I can hear my bones rattling
With every labored breath
I sink further
just below the surface
Of crystal clear water
The drugs can’t quell the sadness
Another sip of poison
To erase the image
Of your lips on hers
My hands tremor constantly
In the absence of yours
The purity of loneliness
Is only matched by
The sharpness of pain
One only feels when their soul mate
Lies with another
It is gut wrenching sadness
Tainted with shame

I am a sponge
To the suffering
Of others
Willfully
Sinfully
I will drink away your pain
I lick the hurt from my lips
But there is a stain
Growing ever larger
A hole
Deep in my soul
I give all I can
And strive not to take
I was a hurricane
Now all I feel
Is soft love and dull pain
I am fertilizer
Deep in the soil
Decaying
Nourishing others
By depriving myself
Stitching together torn souls
In exchange for my own

I am not a landfill for
Insecurities
I am not the void to repair
Damaged masculinity
Yes, I am a woman
Comfortable with my sexuality
But, aren't I supposed to decide
When i want that kind of intimacy?
Everyone's got their demons
I'm always the dirt beneath their shoes
As the climb from the pit
I want to be more
I want to be whole
I want to be strong enough
To stop it when I say no
**** is a four letter word
I wish I didn't feel it in my bones
When the one I loved hushed my cries,
I said no

We were abused
In the same way
And yet you used me
I see fire in your eyes and I see comfort in your smile. I see everything that moves me,
I thought nothing would ever move me again but there you were
With beer on your jacket
I am panting admiration
But your touch is toxic
And you touched me well
You loved me
You never found yourself so you lost me.
But then i lost me
You ruined me
So vulnerable at seventeen
I have lost that weakness
Calloused and cold
Sometimes the darkness won't let go
But I am stronger now
Xanax dreams don't leave
In other bottles I find release

I search for bliss
Exchange my dignity
For chemical cures
Wrench my soul
From my anxious body
To sink ever deeper
Into the abyss  
Waves of ecstacy
Fill charred lungs
Resurface
Only to have lost you
Pain, red and hot
Scars my skin
Sell my heart
Ache replaces love
It is an all consuming hurt
Shatters bones on red brick
Cravings; deceptive serpents
Twist around me
Suffocating me
Forcing me to drown myself once more

perhaps I've lost my mind
from all the red lighters
the aching in my stomach
it craves the chemicals
chemicals that warp my dreams
distort my deepest desires
I see cigarette burns
I see glossy red eyes
In a broken mirror
why do I search for bliss
in strangers and amber bottles
In pain and indifferent lovers

I wish I never had
to speak another word
Wrap myself in silence
No more masks
No more pain
Get drunk enough
To slur the truth
Do another line
Drown myself in lies
Dream of a life
On the other side