i.

they say that when you drown,
it's nothing like in the movies;
it's silent.
there's no splashing,
no screaming,
no kicking or crying for help.

just
silence.

and i guess it's true,
for i am drowning --
there is water in my lungs,
pouring into my heart,
filling my veins and escaping from my eyes --
yet i cannot speak.

i am rendered speechless
by you.

ii.

i'm not so sure if it's
the smooth white sand
ingrained in your skin,

or the intricate seashells
that are your daintily painted
fingernails.

maybe it's the pulsing red
of a moon during high tide
that shines through
your scarlet lips,

or maybe
it's the crashing waves
filling the ocean in your eyes.

maybe it's the way you sweep me up
and pull me under,
stealing my breath,
invading my thoughts.

or maybe it's how you
are unpredictable.
you are in alliance with the erratic skies
and fickle moon,
and yet,
no one can control you,
no one can predict your next move.

iii.

i find it fascinatingly beautiful
how easy it is
for you to destroy yourself,
how you hide within raging whirlpools
and tear yourself apart from the inside.

people are afraid of the ocean,
but the ocean is a part of you.
who knows, though?
maybe you're scared of the ocean too.

iv.*

beware the girl with the ocean eyes,
for a heart that is eaten away by the sea
can never be whole again.*

(a.m.)

twenty nine steps on a staircase
lavender smell on the softness of your neck
broken bonds broken bones broken bonds broken bones
I wrapped your nightshade bouquet in lace
so it would not burn your frozen fingers

I open my mouth and stained glass falls out
twenty nine steps on a staircase

they pulled your teeth out with forks
while I screamed through the satin
and fought through the stars
I reached out towards you
but my hands grabbed only thorns
and calamity dripped down my hands
twenty nine steps on a staircase

they threw grey dirt on my face
grass and blossoms in my lungs
my fingernails are blue and blue for you
twenty nine steps on a staircase
my eyes are moist with drops of dew
every morning I wake up and drown in your sweet water

29 steps on a staircase
29 steps on a staircase

I was sleeping and woke up choking
I opened my mouth
and eleven pearls came tumbling out
they sat in the palm of my hand
they were your wishes
I put them under my pillow
and forgot they were there

twenty nine steps on a staircase
I pushed you down twenty nine steps on a staircase

when i feel i'm lost,
i look for you
instead of
myself.

maybe that's my problem.

Yes
We can never be together forever
But during those times
When we were together
We built this room in our hearts
That are meant for each other
And it will always remain there
No matter what happens
We can be apart for years
And that room will still be there
If you ever need me
You can run to the room
And escape
I'll be there.
It'll be our secret escape.

I wish you were here, You *******.
I want to beat you up so bad
For all that you have done
Then I want to cuddle you close
Because I miss you.

I want to see you cry so badly
Because I want you to feel what I feel
But I will kiss your eyes and hold you tight
When you are asleep
Because I still love you.

I want to **** you so bad
Because you do not deserve to live after all that you have done
But I will be by your grave every second of my remaining days
because I will be missing you madly, truly, deeply.

I want to throw you into the darkness
Because i want you to live the way I am living
And will always be living
But I will slowly glow for you
Because I still want to be your light.

I want to see you bleed so badly
Because you drained all the blood in my heart, killing me.
Maybe after that we can be ghosts together
Invisible and in love.

Only you, colossal idiot, can break me and hurt me this bad
And it should be mutual
So I will protect you from everything else
But myself.

Your hand on my chest,
Our eyes to the soul.