Is it possible to be jealous of the future?
Of the people you will meet
that will make your dimples grow deeper?
Of the places you will see without me,
the pieces of pizza you will eat?
Of the new shoes you will pick out
and the dinner party you wear them to?
Of the girl you meet there,
who's laugh you'll like so much
that you'll forget about mine?
Of the dinners you cook
and the hikes you go on.
The adventures you'll have,
the drives, the movies,
the nights spent asleep,
the kisses?
The kisses.

Apologies seep through
secret seems in my skin
tearing me open with
overflowing apologies
pouring onto my feet
staining them red
sealing shut and
ripping open again
with each change of
your indecisive mind
warm ****** apologies
always sticking around
my toes because
there's not enough
room in my body
there is no
perfect arrangement of
the fragmented pieces
of my heart
to ever fix
what I have done

I am in love with you in the way that
you are my insomnia at 4 in the morning,
the one keeping me awake because my
body doesn't remember how to fall asleep without
yours quietly curled around it,
and my brain doesn't understand
why I irrevocably hate you,
or how I can hate and love one person
so much it makes my stomach hurt,
every moment I'm not with you I think
that the distance might **** me
because the sleepless nights and empty beds
breeding incomprehensible hatred
are just because I am
so
*******
in love with you.

write me a story that begins with
the light blue sheets that you lay your muscled body upon,
let it travel to the first thought in your head
and the taste of your spearmint toothpaste,
let it tell me about your blueberry pancakes or sugary cereal
and the breeze off of the lake that tickles your shaggy blonde hair,
let it show me the worry lines in your forehead
and the troubles with your father,
let it tell me of the girl that made you laugh
with her freckled nose that reminded you of me,
let it tell me of your struggles and your pleasures and your pain,
let it tell me about the sun that burns your skin
the world that you see through your blue green eyes
the liquor that kisses your lips,
let it tell me of your heart and your mind and all of the everything
that exists in your being
write me this story so that i may be jealous of your sheets and your father     and the sun and blueberry pancakes,
for they are graced with the wildness of your presence
in the story of your life

angst and tragedy
all once seemed so
romantic,
so
poetic

and now i wish
i could rip the blade from
the fingertips
of my
past

and slap her straight,
explain that

blood is only blood,

and pain will not
make
you
beautiful.

it's funny
how forever
can be so short,
whether ended by
choice or unwillingly,
forever
is forever on
the precarious edge
of ending

its how you make fun of everything i do
and how you always leave your clothes behind,
the way you tickle me uncontrollably
and occasionally give me wedgies,
its how you want to be a chef and be a politician and travel the world,
how you always go cross eyed in pictures
and think you're the greatest thing thats ever happened,
how you get unbelievably jealous
and always put me in my place,
its how you've grown to trust me
or at least pretend to to make me happy,
how you dance like an idiot
singing lady gaga and katy perry
and the way you smash me to make me giggle,
its your huge dumb dimples
and your confidence and your humor and your anger,
its the way you look at me until i say what, then never give an answer,
how you call me kellzzz to make fun of me
and never let me win,
its how you hold me all night
and how you snore so ******* loudly,
the way you slap my cheeks and grab my face to kiss me,
the way you call me beautiful even in the messy morning,
its how you're almost as competitive as me
and how you're so freaking smart,
how you taught me about geography and never let me forget it,
its how you love classic movies
and look kind of like jaime lannister,
the way you pick me up till i scream
and always, always make me laugh,
its how you drunkenly told me the words
we both promised we would never say
and how every moment I'm with you
you make me want to say them too

I've always had to be right at all costs
stubborn to the point of no return
i have to be the best, i have to always win.
and you terrify my soul because
you are the first that
i will surrender to,
the first that i don't want  to fight with.
you are the only person that can drag me
out of the holes that i dig for myself
and i think i might just
love you for it

I'm sorry my words get jumbled
flailing off of my tongue as if
I've just learned to speak.
they're all so calculatedly stoic,
yet so simultaneously messy
with the secrets
that slip out of my lips.
and I'm sorry that when i say
the things I'm meant to say,
they aren't the words
you want to hear.

I saw our tree in the park today
Remember the one
We carved our initials into?
It must have followed me here
Taken a train or a bus
Its branches bending, cracking, snapping
Trying to squeeze into its seat,
Travelled all the way from our park
With those lilac bushes and
Saturday morning picnics.
It must have known
That I would
Miss you.

You give me looks like electricity
blistering through our veins,
biting your lip to bite away secret smiles,
fingers grazing like fire bursting on my skin
searing the edges of my sanity.

We are a mess together,
sharing a passion so perfectly poisonous
for each other, craving that
sickly sweet venom slipping from bitten lips
with bodies drenched in stinging jealousy,
we are, quite simply,
a mess.

Falling into something so
ruthlessly reckless and endlessly entwined in a fit of
passion and hunger so pure and astounding
it has never made sense,
so raw and real and tainted.

So in a few years I’ll meet you
in the cavernous pits of hell

and kiss you
while the scorching flames

tickle our toes.

We sat on that ledge passing cigarettes between us
breath thick with cold as white as our smoke,
we spoke into the 3am darkness about football
and how I've never seen a sunrise,
about things that i can't remember except that
they pulled giggles deep from my throat
mixing with our smoke and our breath
you told me that you think of me all the time
and don't know why, my lips craving
to tell you all i should've told you,
instead i made you give me that cigarette burn
because you had one and i wanted
our skin to sizzle simultaneously,
pain strung together by my giggles and
our smoke and our breath
thick with jealousy and lies and
always thinking about you.

"don't miss me too much"
you tell me and i laugh
claiming "psshhh don't worry"
when i want to tell you
how could i not
miss those dimples
that voice
your every
single
movement.
how could i not
worry about us
wait to hear
wonder
about
everything.
how could i not miss you
when you look at me
like that and
whisper in my ear
and kiss me so softly.
how could i not
begin to
fall for
you?