I can't breathe anymore
many years ago I lost my hope, the glimmer slipped away from my reach, and my arms to short to reach out and grab it
I can no longer see the surface of the water, the dark monster that lays solemnly underneath the sand slowly breathes me in, but every once and awhile my rescue boat will come, my savior will come along and carry me away.
But the song that the sea softly hums as the waves crash upon the hypnotizing white shore.
The pink and purple hues of the sky creates a picture in my eyes, deceiving them, it blocks me from seeing where I am going.
Alast to the sea I sheepishly walk, crushing perfect little seashells in my stroll under my feet, I reach the edge of the beach of where the blue and green colors of the ocean meets the crystal white sand.
I feel the sand slowly loose from its grip on the beach and fall into the trace of the dangerous ocean. The cool waves reach my weak ankles and wrap around them like coil and as the tide goes out I get carried along with the ride.
I realize as the ocean whips me across my draining body against the eroding rocks and it breaks my spine along with cutting my back, I want the boat to find me, be my hero and rescue me and help me to the safe shore, I scream, gurgling water, struggle to keep my head above the pounding currents of the ocean, but the sea, who lives off of the souls of his victims, drowns my screams to a muffle so that my rescue light passes by without a look back.
My head turning and swirling looking for another rescue boat to come along and pick me up, but none can hear my muffled screams or see me in the darkest of nights, even with the brightest lamps. I look below me and see millions of sunken eyes and twisted smiles awaiting to see the next victim fall under the tune of the ocean.
The seas currents churn and spin trying to drag me down, waves crash over my head leaving me with almost no air, the monster climbs out of security to help the ocean in desperate need. He clamps my ankles and drags me down as I fall into his arms. He puts on the twisted grin with the rest of them and I become another victim to the sea of eternal sadness.

I met you and I was light grey
Lovely to some, and shy, never wanted to be noticed
You were filled with colors to complicated to understand,
mysterious. I was drawn into with your rope of colors that you wrapped around my waist and drew me in
When I fell into you, I transformed into red ocean with love
a big, plentiful ocean that the waves crashed into your sly smile.
You danced and blue fell from the seams of jeans
You laughed and yellow poured out of your mouth
You sang, badly, but it showered me in pink
I lived for your colors, they overshined mine but I was okay with it because
I was used to be the shadows behind people's bright colors
You were the sun and I was Pluto, I could get away but you still were drawing
my picture with the colors that I wanted to see.
The white sand that lined the ocean was your words that I took into my currents and kept inside of me to save for later,
but then you decide that light grey wasn’t your color
everything turned black
The clouds that filled the pink sky were alive with bolts streaming across your beach
that I made for you.
My ocean turned into a swirling grey and green, churning until my whirlpool sinks your beach, your memory right out of existence.
It took me awhile to get the colors that you painted for me to become mine
but you have now faded away like light blue slowly fades into night
And I change from grey into an array of colors that draws you now in with rope.
Funny, how when my colors shine bright without your colors
you want me and all my colors.

My walls, blue and green, filling with integrity,  caring and soft, humble and kind, loud and crazy
don't seem to match up with you blank white walls
all they show is your ocean of ego that paints across them with black and grey blocking anything else of your soul, who you really are, from shining through

In the time I found myself, you lost yourself into the ocean of which I almost drowned in because of you.
And when each piece of your black wall crumbled down I couldn't take my wall, and piece by piece and break it apart again to help you float. To help you find the land in the deadly sea, the water in a scorching desert.

That they words that I paint across the room, showing everybody what I think
doesn't match up with your ideas, and what your black wall that shuts off everyone else thinks. That I paint a picture that shines bright through the minds of brilliant thinkers that you could be but your too shut off to see.

I'm different than you, that my eyes didn't hold the darkness and you can never see the stars shine the way. That the day only blinds you even more because you find the sun as a foe not a friend, you see the tree fighting the leaves where you could see them as letting the leaves dance to the tune the wind sings, that the lighting storms **** and punish the houses for sheltering the people or you can see them as the lighting storms that light up the ground making it easy for the houses to be loved as a home not a place.
That the constellations match up in my eyes and I see the galaxies swirling through the night because I know what it feels like to become engulfed in darkness of where I can't even see who I really am. Of where I blinding go through life, not seeing but only touching. But I can't take my stars and aline them for you. Make O'brien's belt and the Dippers shine for you, but I can give you the North Star.
Maybe you can follow it until you find the galaxy that is meant for you and the black walls you jailed in your identity can fall down in surrender and its not a cage fight to see who will win, will the darkness will overshadow your bright identity, it only can if you let it. Will You?

1 second:
my mind drags my languid body across the tundra of insanity
my eyes focused on a space
a blurry shape focused
something in between reality and the real world
2 seconds:
roles of films show screenplays flickering across my mind, lighting up possibilities of what could go wrong
One goes by, and the film starts again running over and over
as the films play, I slowly drown in a sea of attacks
1,000 feet, my world spins
2,000 feet, my world fades
3,000 feet, my world becomes red, blocking the rest of the colors of the world
preventing the peace of the world into sight
4,000 feet, my soul mending into an entity with no right of way
it drifts upwards as I drift away
3 seconds:
my mind becomes the phantom
black, hollow, clustered, dreadful, worrisome
following my hollow body, swarming with words
creeping up behind me, people pass in blurs
their energy sweeps me up, fills me, empties me, making me feel even more alone
4 seconds:
do I cry, show the world the Prince of Darkness that clings onto my body
pulling strands of my hair, slowing my world to where I stare at myself and see a mess
see the tearing across skin, my face, only my red eyes can see, when they see my reflection
it’s a happy girl, who is never too sad, but the red can see through the mask that is always glued on
or should I **** it up and keep the beast swimming through my brain
prying my mouth open, keep it inside and let it eat me alive
5 seconds:
my heart, feeling four times as heavier as it did 6 seconds before
telling me *you’re okay, it will pass, the storms almost over, the friend always there to help the in pain
even when the expression shows different
the brain, feeling four times heavier as it did 6 seconds before
telling me you’re not okay, nobody cares, see they just passed you, why would someone care?
The common enemy, the one who's always there to tear you down even when the sun shines bright
6 seconds:
to keep the phantom from attacking, breathe steadily, never miss a beat
which would you chose to believe?
The phantom, the common enemy, the one who controls your thoughts
or the friend, there to keep you running through it all?
The choice seems easy, but sometimes
the choice isn’t yours to make

Would it tear you apart to know that I was clean for so long.
Would it tear you apart to know that the the number is back to zero.
Would it hurt if I told you how you woke up those monsters inside my head that all steer me towards steep cliffs of insanity.
Would it hurt you to know that I stepped off.
Would you cry knowing that you choosing her broke me.
Would you cry if you saw my shattered bones spelled your name.


No I don't think it would.
My screams are not silent, they are carved into my body, they erupt from my eyes but baby you never were one to notice how my heart bled for you.
Our love was a metaphor written in a language you didn't understand.





maybe you need to learn to read.