and finally, one day i found the courage
to tell him what i was doing to myself.
how i would etch his name into my skin
on those lonely nights i hadn't seen your face,
how i took up smoking to fill that gap in my heart
that my ex lover took with him last year,
and i told him about the things, deep dark inside
about how i barely ate anything this month
and how i wished to die.

and all he did was shake his head and sigh saying,
" but you're too happy to want to end your life".

rest in peace to the teens
who wore long sleeves all year round
so no one would notice what they have done
rest in peace to the teens who drank and drank
to blur out someones name
rest in peace to the teens who just lit one too many
cigarettes just to fit in
rest in peace to the teens who couldn't make it to 2015

I look happy, don’t I?
there are no cuts on my wrists
all you see
is the smile on my lips
maybe even a spark in my eyes
and all you hear
is me telling everyone i'm fine
maybe even a laugh once in a while

but when will you look deep into my eyes
look beneath the spark and the deep blue
see the emptiness and the darkness in me

   when you will realize
the smile is a facade
i'm not happy, it's fake, i'm hiding my tears
   when you will see
the spark is a blur
i'm not happy, i’m on the edge to tears
   when you will hear
the laugh is a scream
i'm not happy, i’m choking on pain

did you check my heart? it’s filled with scars

*(s.m)

I swallowed 36 pills today and just laid down ready to die.
You told me my sadness was beautiful... Like a flower drowning in the rain.

I laughed... Because all 36 pills were evenly counted out for the things that made me feel this way.

1. For the headaches, the nightmares and the lack of sleep.
2 for the memories of you kissing me.
3 for the heartache, the way I watched you walk off with her under your arm.
4 for the screaming, the fighting over my weight each day.
5 for the way my family just never understood the way I didn't wanna talk about my feelings.
6. For the long nights I cried myself to sleep for being so ugly no one would want me.
7. For the days I didn't think I would survive at work with a mental breakdown.
8. And last but not least, for the way I could never make myself stop worrying about everything. The way I couldn't figure out my future. The way i couldn't stop hating my entire existence.

36 pills hand counted and evenly distributed down the back of my throat.

Do you still think sadness is beautiful?