One day I'll leave him
and I won't know why.

It's so strange
To look at someone I adore
Someone I want to spend forever with
Who makes me so ******* happy
and think

I don't think we are right for each other
I should leave before it gets more serious
I'm not sure about this
It's gonna hurt him so ******* bad
Do I even still love him?

It's been over a year
Thirteen months, ten days, and twenty hours to be exact
and I am still so
*******
scared

There are times when I spend the entire day
practicing my break-up speech
I go over and over the words so they won't hurt as much when I say them

There are other days when I can't keep my hands off him
and he makes me laugh and love him more than anything
but it's still in the back of my mind
I'm a horrible person who can't hold on to the best thing that ever happened to her

Six months.
How strange.
It's been forever, and also no time at all.
Could it have been six months ago that you kissed me for the first time?
Could it have been five months ago that I fell in love with you?
Could it have been two months since New Years,
when we stayed up late and kissed at midnight?

****.

Did you ever see those circus performers with the spinning plates?
Plates on poles spinning, spinning, spinning
You could never understand how they kept so many up
spinning, spinning, spinning

Just as one is about to fall
you can already hear the crash in your head
the shattering of porcelain on the ground
they spin it again and it stabilizes
just barely

I'm not always honest about how I feel
especially when the feeling is intense
I downplay it, it's not a big deal

I don't want to make you uncomfortable
I don't want you to think I'm crazy
I love you

Adjusting to being loved and wanted is hard. I'm not used to someone loving me as much as I love them, wanting to be around me all the time, legitimately thinking I'm wonderful.
But I'm loving the learning curve.

He doesn't understand when I tell him
"I'm ugly, but it's okay I'm fine with it"
"I know I'm big, but it doesn't bother me"
"Listen hon, you don't have to spend every minute with me, I know you're gonna be bored if that happens"

He doesn't get that I have spent years accepting the fact that I am
fat, ugly, boring
I can say these things and not have any self hatred when I say them
at least, not overt

But he kisses me and says
he doesn't know how I could think that
that I am beautiful, badass, interesting, cute, and wonderful
He says it so sincerely that I can't bear to contradict him

The thing is, the more he says it
the more I'm starting to believe him