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 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
the All
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
I will, it happens,
the material dream
comes to pass
sometimes instant
mostly long haul
Never alone, when alone;
Heavenly company, close,
closer, the centre, the All
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
"You mustn't fall in love with a wild thing... You can't give your heart to a wild thing - the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or into a tree. Then into a taller tree. Then into the sky. That's how you'll end up... If you let yourself love a wild thing... You'll end up looking at the sky."
You'll never catch me
Get too close and I'll fly away
A wild thing doesn't love
A wild thing never stays
You'll never reel me in
All you can do is watch me as I go
A wild thing can only run
A wild thing needs to grow
You'll never put me in a cage
I'm too far for you to touch
A wild thing isn't yours to keep
A wild thing is just too much
You can't tame a wild thing, so don't bother trying.
Trying to love a wild thing always ends with crying.
So please don't go prying...
Or you'll have to watch the wild thing as it goes flying.
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
It's been so long, but I still remember how it feels
To sit in a stuffy classroom, clicking my heels
Because there's no place like home and I want out of my confinement
To sit endlessly and pretend to care about another mind numbing assignment
With the tap of fingernails vigorously typing out a text
Shifty eyed, watching some amateur get caught and secretly hoping you're not next
The murmur of whispered plans for the weekend
And how desperately your body craves to sleep in
Elaborate excuses planned out to explain why you forgot your essay was due
The lies are getting crazier because the teacher has heard everything that's not new
Lunch is served but the food is cold, unidentifiable, and uncooked
There's no way through the sea of gossiping teens around your locker to get your books  
Your next class is the one teacher with a voice that's a little too monotone
And then the next is the one that always thinks she hears a phone
You worth is measured by a letter
And how many times you promise to do better
It's a system that's designed to break you
But you never let anyone see how much it shakes you
And at the end of the day it's gone by hideously slow
And you dread how you have to repeat it all tomorrow.
I've been graduated for a while but it's back to school season and I can't help but to reminisce.
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
How do you quiet the voices inside your head? They say such ugly things. At first I didn't believe them when they told me I was worthless. I gave them the cold shoulder when they said I was ugly. I scoffed at them when they told me I was weak. But I still hear them, and they still shout at me. And the more they insist, the more I believe the things they say. So how do I quiet the yelling that I can't control and the voices I can't escape?
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
It's terrifying to watch her chest rise and fall
It's like she's not taking in any air at all
She lives and breathes like it doesn't matter if she dies
And behind her smiles and reassurance, there's sorrow in her eyes
She says she's fine and sometimes I think she might be
But if you look at  her closely, a broken girl is all you'll see
Her eyes are green and I think it suits her in a morbid way
Because her eyes are filled with envy when they watch other's happy smiles every day
When she tells me that it doesn't hurt anymore, I can see her hands shake
And when she falls into a dreamless sleep, I can hear her heart break
She walks through the streets with her head held high
But I think she just likes imagining being somewhere over the rainbow, past the grey sky
She's barely held together and fragile as can be
And the hardest part of it all is that she is me.
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
Behind my mask of silver and gold
My identity is hidden well
No one sees past the masquerade
The beauty of the mask puts them under a spell
They get lost in swirling patterns
Of crushed velvet in midnight blue
In a trance and blind to the truth
Tears run down my face like morning dew
But no one notices
The pain that I bear
Because I still dance in circles
With the moonlight in my hair
And the mask on my face
Is where it shall stay
Because my life is a masquerade
And it fools the world every day
My body is a canvas
And you are the artist,
Making art in the night
And that's how it started.
So paint me our future
With brushes of scarlet.
And hang it on the wall
For the days we have parted.
 Sep 2014 Karen Newell
If it is true

Each day brings something,
good or bad it comes
Leaving us wondering,
what does this mean…
when sidewalks roll up or gates unlock
inviting our movement or hindering it
When clouds form pictures
dark or light they appear
and we stare in belief that they are for us

When maybe they are not

Counting sunbeams
in relation to the shadows
cast upon our smiles
Do we smile or do we just pretend,
failing to accept the truth
that life is not fair
Even under the bluest skies
rain can fall
whether we accept it or not

And never do

Can we mask the heart,
hide it from ourselves
not feel the pain, the sadness,
the emptiness leaving gaps
Huge crevices in what we wanted,
what we hoped for,
what we dreamed about
with eyes open and thoughts frantic
of love, for love…in love

It never ends, it never ends

if it is true…
There are no pictures of the forgotten child
just second hand memories
of a police station handmedown
and too many mothers.

There are no echoes of my smile to be found in family albums

No book to lovingly hold the dates of firsts unwitnessed by love.

Yellowed paper bears witness to my existence, a name given, typed above that of an unknown Father and a mother too new to bear my needs.

There are no tales of first days and birthdays, no tears of joy at my arrival, nor at my loss.
Just me, a girl with no past and a stolen future, screaming at shadows while clutching at straws, hoping that someday my face will be reflected by that which I did not create.
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