I wake feeling alone

I sleep next to
a live carcass

seems impossible huh

Maybe it's me
I'm  the carcass
just maybe huh

I have no feelings
or
I'm feeling too much
wanting and needing to much

I was told;
"no matter who I'm with
I'll never find happiness"

Maybe this unfeeling
non-understanding Carcass
has it right

Maybe it's me and always has been
I should feel alive and content
only thing I'm feeling is pain and confusion
judged and judgement
every day of my life

I thought being with this so called man
would be a wise investment
figured I'm hard working plus very family oriented

He's hard working but when it comes to family
I don't see it

He doesn't care unless its about him and his,
I never had someone so disloyal and selfish

Maybe that's why I'll never be happy
least not with him
but he's not been the only one to shun me
or disregard my feelings

as if  the words I say make no sense to him
like I'm speaking in a foreign tongue

He seems not to comprehend anything
no matter how many times I've expressed or explained
and I'm so tired of asking *******

Seems to me I'm always begging
& Naw I ain't to proud to beg
but it's become tediously boring
and no-productive

Sick of myself and not liking
whom I've become
no longer am I care free
I'm more pessimistic than ever
& I just want to be alone!

Love?
um I don't think so
I've been in too many relationships
all based on the pretenses
that it was out of "love"

I'm tired
I no longer wish
to be involved

Is it wrong
that I've
given UP?!

And  is it wrong that
I no longer wanna be
with a living Carcass?!?!*

Copyright ©
Ayeshah K.C.L.N
1977-Present  
All right reserved

I am an independent person,
I am not an add-on to your life.
I am an independent person,
I cannot have my freedom taken from me.
I am an independent person,
I will be who I want to be.
I am an independent person,
You cannot tell me,
What I can and cannot be.

The look in your eyes
when you look at me
fills me with ice and mice
that feed
on my inside out
heart of stone
that was carved and and broke
to fit a mold
All Girls Like Me
colored hair, only smoke to breathe
have death in site
cuts ready to bleed
but if I could stare like this for even one minute more
my black inside
could break to the floor
the black will fade to a light shade of grey
then lighter and brighter
the longer I stay
you talk about pasts and
how things have changed
how I might have been hurt
but I’m not so deranged
I say “I’m not as great as I may seem.
my insides are dark. black the only color scheme”
“that's not true” you say holding my face.
“you’re more than that. there's no black in your space”
I disagree up and down
I can’t tell you how often I drown
in my heart and mind
I’ve been dead for years
how long it's been
since I’ve shed any tears
but since this heart of mine
met yours
I see all sorts
of open doors.
I hope one day to find
what color you see
for my broken mind
All Girls Like Me
are meant to run
but what should I do
now that that's no fun?

Those moments when I do not know what to do ..
Should I text him or not?
Should I invite him or not?
Should I ask him or not?
Should I care for him or not?
Should I be bothered about him or not?

The hardest is this ..
Should I love him or not?

Should I?

goaded by a stereophonic monotone:
a flumine voice waxes with lovelorn dregs.

i heard the plump word of rescue
dangle from the heady decibel of song,
winterward, blue-veined and stillicide.

no more, shall the wind traverse the impasse of the verdigris. the incertitude
of beginnings sigh ultimately.

o people, your darling children soldered
to your denims. o rosefrail and sightless
bannerets — we mourn such coming.
it sleuths with a tangle of fingers
underneath fringes of flesh-warmed
draperies with a different temperament
as moderate as climates in squandered tropics, flows with a truth wishing it
more of the untruth:

never shall return, in faraway lands,
never shall look back and lay in prairies
attenuated, continue to sing oblivion.