after the bugs and vultures indulge the flesh from my corpse
my leftover bones will spot with mold spores
and maybe then people will stop thinking i’m such a horror
and understand they must decay
in the same exact way

life is so short
i need to spend every second of it with you
i wish i knew how long we have left
so i wont be so stressed
about how much i’ll miss you
if you die before i do
i hope you wont go
unless we're together, we’ll do it slow
thats what i hope
i want to grow old with you
i hope we’ll last a long time too
cause as long as my heart beats
i need to spend every second of it with you.

i want to peel the skin from my limbs
strip by strip
with broken glass making jagged incisions
then watch the blood drip
down my body
dark red is pretty.

i want to scratch my eyes out
i've seen too much now
they'd look better splattered on the floor
just like *****, blotched decor

i want to pluck my nails out from the beds of my fingers and toes
and with a torch burn it all, melt the cartilage off my ears and nose
its too much extra baggage
for when i jump off the ledge
i like to mutilate myself
i’m a ******* as well

i love slicing deep into my skin
or puncturing myself, with a needle or pin.
seeing my blood escape captivity
makes me feel more alive than if it was still inside me
even more so when i carve out an artery
it falls so gracefully down to my feet

i want to display my own bones in my home
and replace them in my body with metal poles
i think feeling pain is better than feeling nothing
and seeing a sharp razor to grate my skin is always enticing
i love how it stings.

blood is the liquid of life yet symbolizes death
i corrupted my soul, now an expired body is left
i want to reach inside my chest
and grab my heart
and squeeze so hard
it oozes like jello through my fingers
and stops beating forever.

all the voices in my head
never shut up
they tell me I should be dead
i believe them, im ****** up
i watched my parents fight a lot as a kid
they got a divorce after i grew up
i thought itd break me but im glad they did.
i think i’ll always be depressed
its been years i felt like this
i smoke **** to give me happiness.
my brother tried to **** himself twice
I want to die too
but he survived so i guess so should i.
still every day i cry.
i sound like a loser
i look at old pictures of myself as a kid
i dont recognize her, i guess i did lose her.
not sure where to go from here
all my friends and i moved away
we dont talk anymore besides the occasional “hey”
no one knows me anymore
nothing in my current life is like what i knew before.
the place i live is not my home
the people i know are temporary fixes
to the empty holes that my emotions burn through my heart.
i wish i could bleed
but i dont want to get put on mental health leave
so my skins stays uncut and i stay silent.
all this pain i keep quiet.
i starve myself as an outlet
it gives me control over myself
since my emotions are reigned by hell.

in my dream last night
you died
i couldnt save you
i watched, i cried
i wish i was closer to you
close enough to kiss you
but in my dream last night
i saw you die
i crave your soul
to be intertwined with mine
but we’re so far apart
i sleep alone and cry

im suicidal but ill never really **** myself
parts of me still want to live, theyre just dull
deep down i still love life
but its buried behind so much pain
suicide would end it all.
maybe the sacrifice would finally bring me peace.
sometimes i think.

sitting in my car
crying on my birthday
trying to drive on
swerving through the turn lane

another year, another fear
I'm anxious as I steer
then my eyes well with tears and I can't see the road
crashed my car let me go home
I don't want to be here anymore

people stare but they aren't looking
it's my ******* birthday
trying to drive on
swerving off the road and I'm gone

another year another fear
I wish for death as I steer
crashed my car let me go home
I wanna die on the day that I was born

The light shines through the windowpane
and I start to melt, I scream in pain
Hello? help, I can't do this again
Shut the curtain, I'm alone again
Sizzled and fried, I think I just died
How does it feel to still be alive?
My lungs are the only thing that's left
Slowly rising and falling in a ****** mess

How does it feel to still be alive?
Stop crying
Goodmourning

My heart skips beats when I can't sleep
My eyes strain red
I shot myself in the head
This hole in my brain makes me think I'm insane
Watch me laugh it off again
Syrup pours out but it's not very sweet
So I'll hand you the gun, tell you, "copy me."
Outcasts in hysteria hold onto our feet

How does it feel to still be alive?
How does it feel to join the dark side?
Stop crying
You're dying
Goodmourning

I'm sick of the nausea
Tired of the insomnia
Any second I could freak out again
Panting, screaming, apologizing, weeping
I'm scared of myself more than anything else
Manic attacks of sudden ******* panic
I care too much or I don't care enough
I beg my angels to let me give up

Went and got a tattoo just for the needle
See myself out of body, I don't need her
Spinning till morning
Looking at old pics mourning
I don't know why it's happening again
I thought I was done being broken
In and out like the breath from my lungs
Fast heartbeat but not from the drugs
Please, no
Another low
**** me slow

I stare at the stars
my soul ceases to exist.

I see it far away
my mind in celestial abyss

When will my tree grow?
I water her, feed her, & make sure she gets enough sun.
Why won't my seed grow?
I used to have a green thumb.

Trees are supposed to be beautiful & powerful,
so what's wrong with mine?
All the other trees are sprouting, why am I stuck behind?
I can't do anything right
And this soil is so dry.

I'm trying to break free

At least I'm already buried.

Aching, alone in the moonlight
My hurtful thoughts burn just as bright.
I drift numb through waves of sorrow,
The desire to be weightless lures me further below.
It's the calm before the storm of hunger
Yet I continue to starve, my stomach protests like thunder.

Fading in and out, I'm drowning no doubt.
Floating above me are skeleton bones and thin torsos
I idolize them, while my self hatred grows.
My lungs fill with salty tears, making me bloated, accomplishing my fears.

I'm ravenous
I don't care
I say, "I'm not hungry, really, I swear!"

Standing naked and ashamed in front of the mirror.
"You look disgusting!" A nasty voice sneers.
Recovery is far, for I still utterly agree.
I'm a horrifying atrocity, don't let anybody see.

As I drift forlorn to the open abyss
I beg, just wanting self worth and bliss.
The violent waves subside,
Making me realize it's okay now if I die
But I'll say it one more time: "I'm fine."

Hurt me
The wretched hand suffocates pleading lips
I gasp for air as the blood drips

Curse me
Unwanted whispers escape with my breath
Now's the time, I pray, slow death

Control me
Speeding, drive myself off the road
Burning mind, burning sight, it's my soul you corrode

I'm not possessed, I'm death obsessed.
I don't want to die, but I still fantasize.
I didn't ask for this, apathy created my abyss.
It's not me, at the altar still I'd plea.
It's my demons, laughing at my mortal misery.

It only took a few days for you to seep into my mind and reside in the darkest parts.
But once I knew you were there, I didn't try to rid of you.
No, you gave yourself to me and I accepted you with open arms and an empty stomach.

Like a parasite you ****** the life out of me.
You wore me down to where I napped three times a day.
My stomach never satisfied; either empty or stuffed.
My period stopped for five months.
Stomach pains worse than any pain I’ve experienced before.
Living in a constant fear that my stomach acid would burn a hole through my esophagus.

But you didn’t let any of these ailments stop us.
You taught me to embrace them, they needed to happen.
You convinced me to enjoy the pain I inflicted to myself.
Just collateral damage to the ultimate goal of thinness.
You pushed me so far deep inside my head, I was separated from the shell of my body.
I couldn't recognize myself, I deserved to be nobody.
But I didn’t know that then, you told me that was exactly who I was supposed to be, the real me.

And I believed you.

I try to tell myself everything I do is not for you
My life it revolves
The sun the stars the moon
I stand before the mirror trying to see myself clearer
Tears morph my body’s shape
Blurred like spilled paint
I whisper, “I hate you” as I stare at my face
I can’t breathe, so faster I try
Lightheaded vision, gagging, wanting to die
But the most I do is cry.

I drift lonely, lonely for you
You’re my depression, you’re my muse
Self hatred claims my compass,
So I follow it into the forest
And loathe your loving,
It infects me like fungus
Now I’m lost and scared
Inside my brain, you inject your lethal stain
I follow you on your path of wonder till I collapse
Exhaustion, pain, death, relapse

I idolize you and your flaws
How you seem so free
While around me forms a mist of misery
A clouded conscious with what I made you my life
Now I hate everything that I am,
And nothing’s right
Unmotivated, unsure
I allow you to engulf me; careless for a cure
I know what I’m doing but I don’t know who I am
Still on my knees I pray to you,
The blood slain of my own lamb.
My addiction to your presence has forced me to beg for more
I don’t know why I can’t end this war.