the stillness after a long, hard cry
Friday night after a workweek from Hell
the cool down after an intense workout

Peace is so very hard to find
Once found, impossible to hold

A slippery fish
It slips through my white-knuckled, calloused fists
Leaving me empty and longing

Always longing

choose your mirrors carefully

what those mirrors reflect will cling to you like perfume
tint your vision like sunglasses

don’t let a broken mirror trick you into thinking you, too, are broken

look carefully
look long
look with eyes wide open

a mirror will always reveal it’s true nature in times of stress

Be vigilant!

here’s the secret
when you realize the ugliness
is a reflection of the broken mirror
not you
you can walk away

walk away
into the light
into the freedom

walk into the loving embrace of those who show you your true self

I know
because I did

A faded feather shed upon the ground
trod underfoot,
soiled and bent,
Is still a feather

Though it no longer shines with colors bold,
no longer soars,
caressing the clouds
though it lays there
abandoned
in the dirt,
dreaming of sky

A still feather is a feather still
bent and broken
a feather still
Flightless and forgotten
a feather still

I am a feather

Hello world
You may not recognize me
though now I finally recognize myself

I made a difficult choice
freedom over familiarity
I ran to a new beginning
Shedding all those who attempted to control
through lies and vitriol

I have found my voice
I will use my voice
to be a truth teller,
a mirror,
a fierce catalyst for wellness

I have found my voice,
so I sing out
with rebellious joy
Hello world
Hello

She felt the weight of his words
Even as she waved a hand to dismiss them
Even as she smiled
And rolled her eyes
Even as she turned away
Bounce-stepping down the hall
She felt the full meaning of his words
Crushing her into the ground
Into dust

I am a candle
burning past hurts
craving new air
reaching to the sky
leaving a mark

I am stronger than my scars
wiser than my mistakes
more capable than my
insecurities

I can only be me
I will only burn brightly

I’m putting on my perfume
as you enter the bathroom
“Smells like cancer,”
was your answer

Wish I’d been fearless
against your meanness
instead of hurt and speechless

“I never hit you”
That’s true
That’s not what you do

Words, not fists, you use
to lie,
to confuse
to strike
and abuse
Words don’t leave a bruise

“*****” is not my name
“****,” more of the same
But you have no shame
“Just a fight,” you claim

“You’re just sensitive”
You told me
And I accept that excuse
for years of emotional abuse

I stay
until one day
I’m brushing my teeth
as our son enters the bathroom,
“Why is dad always mean to you?”
Those words became the straw
that broke the camel’s back

And now me and my perfume
are never coming back

Crashes upon crashes
metal and bone smashes
Blood and oil
evidence of fruitless toil
And they cheered at the spot where our soldiers died.

Headlines repeat
many spelling of defeat
So sick of such sickness
Endless, borderless mess
And the boy laughed, holding up our dead soldier’s kevlar.

Mortars upon mortars scream
More tears stream
No genuine smiles remain
Only arrogance and pain
And those students smiled as our flag turned to ash.

List after list
Scaly agendas twist
Politicians visit
make hasty exits
And there’s no need for rain in this land where blood and tears flow

And all will repeat tomorrow
And tomorrow

A quiet moment
I steal it and wrap the stillness around myself
Bury my head in it
Until the sharp, outraged cry of my babe
Indignant at being left alone in his crib
Pulls the covers off
leaves me cold, shivering
Then I’m up
Tripping along
to my day job as Mommy

Hearts are meant to break
This is the undeniable truth of our human condition
Whether the blade is sharpened by lies
or selfishness
or hormones
or mortality,
others will always betray in some way

My demons are the loudest when I’m grieving heartache
My reliance on past paths to numbness breaks my heart anew
Maybe I am as weak as he made me feel
Or maybe I am just human with a heart built to break

Didn’t always love you
In fact I think I hated you
Tried to erase you with my sick games
Tried to **** you by ignoring your light
But now I see
I feel
your light
your life
is lovely
What a feeling it is
to embrace and accept
I love you now
I accept you now
I see now
You
Are
Beautiful

I once had a friend like a shadow
Always together wherever we’d go
Running and tumbling and laughing through life
Always connected, one in the same

But then a cloudy day came
And with no sun to shine
I lost that shadow friend of mine
The darkness rolled in and my shadow friend disappeared
Scared off by the first sign of trouble, the first drop of tears

So I learned my lesson
Shadows are easy to come by when the sun is shining bright
But shadows bring little comfort in the chill of a dark night

And when the storm cleared
And my shadow friend reappeared
Ready to run and tumble and laugh with me again
I had to turn away
And say goodbye
For I learned my lesson:
a shadow is nobody’s friend

My rebellious joy
Heals me
Frees me
from my past
Heals me
Frees me
from my present
My smile was once a mask
sincerity turned it to a shield
A heart filled with gratitude and wonder
leaves no space for fear
I step into my strength
by embracing this
My rebellious joy

She is The One That Got Away
This is who she is to him now
Who she is to herself

It is newly tattooed on her soul
This new identity
She became this despite his best efforts
Countless words to trick her into believing she was The One That Stayed
Clever words, to confuse her and cloud reality
Soft words, to flatter and ******
Sharp words, to cut, to make her bleed out her resolve

She used to be The One That Stayed
She played that part for many years
Until the stars aligned illuminating the path to a new role
A role many have died trying to get

She made it out and got away
Not all at once
Slowly
Piece by piece

First, her heart
Until she was numb
She felt nothing during his declarations of love,
Emotionless during his promises of change
All his tearful pleading simply echoed in her hollowed out chest

Then her body
Fleeing to the strong arms of her sisters
To the safe house of a friend
Then to a new home among long grasses and tall trees

Finally, her head got away
Like sand from an hourglass, his lies emptied out
Making room for beauty,
the healing wisdom of her helpers,
the power of her truth

Yes, she is The One That Got Away
The judge issued an order to legally make it so
The officers took him away when he refused to believe it
Another judge declared it again
And her new last name tells it to the world

For all new tomorrows
and all of today
She is and will remain
The One That Got Away

This rain reflects my somber mood
These clouds, my clouded mind
Rain and wind, the only sounds
No happy birds
No laughter
of playing children
in sunny weather
No happy thoughts
No laughter
on the inside either
Only exhaustion
pulling down the edges of my mouth,
holding this tired body
under a familiar weighted blanket of defeat
Tomorrow the rain may stop
Tomorrow the birds may sing
Tomorrow the sun may shine
So I lie in wait
holding on for tomorrow
for happiness to once again be mine

Truth
It breathes
It speaks
Sometimes in a whisper
like a mother’s gentle kiss on her child’s fevered forehead
Sometimes in a fierce growl
like a protective dog with hackles raised and teeth bared
Sometimes as a calm, steady chant
like the beating of a drum
vibrating in your heart
Truth speaks
We just need to breathe
and to listen

Careful
Crutches can become cages
Time passes
We lean and lean
We forget
Where we end and the crutches begin
Forget the viable strength of our own legs
We grow fearful of falling
We think we need to be held up
Look
carefully
Maybe these walls aren’t protecting you
Maybe instead of holding you up
they’re holding you back
blocking you from seeing
You are strong enough to stand
You can put the crutches down
You can take that first step
then the next
You may stumble
but you will not fall
Time passes
And you will learn
You can walk on your own after all

I did not run away
I ran to

To the end of angry criticisms masquerading as love
To freedom from the dark cloud of your untreated mental illness
To standing on solid ground instead of walking on eggshells
To the time and space to discover my strength, my skills, my autonomy
To doing everything you taught me I needed you to do
To seeing my sincere happiness reflected on my son’s face
To the luxurious solitude of a queen bed all to myself
To waking up with a smile
To waking up

I did not run away from you
I ran
to me