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 May 2014 Jade M Matelski
cr
sometimes i compose
so many poems i think
i bleed them out; some
days i believe the ******
poetry nestled in my veins
are all that's left of
me.
 May 2014 Jade M Matelski
cr
i ruptured into a
million flickering stars
too long ago, breaking from
touch-induced trauma and the
poisonous aspects of
bleach. my thoughts drip
from the ink veins
of pens; ******* it,
i cannot allow myself
the privilege of
saying, “this

is every secret i
ever hid.” i am not
soft or pretty or
loving; i am small
and hurt and reticent
and guilty and abandoned. i
long to be the

little girl i was six years ago
before he shredded my
insides, sprouted roses
in my blood, wrapped his ******
thorns around my throat. there is
no recognition of that beloved
innocence. the girl in the mirror
never looks back at me: she is knotted
hair, decaying paper skin,
scarlet gashes, pink
scar tissue. i am not

sweet or darling. i am
ravaged. van gogh swallowed
yellow paint to create some
feigned happiness, and i understand
that in the nastiest way. i spent my time
trying  to shelter the black and blue
daisies on my hips with makeup,
camouflaging razorblades in fields
of sunflowers, pouring every
unhealthy bit of my starved
stomach into the beautiful
lilies in the flowerpot in the
bathroom. i have unearthed
that home is not the
safest place to be.

i was infected and diagnosed with
the disease of loneliness
by age eight. this wound
has burdened me yet the
ticking time tomb nestled in
the crooks of my devastated
personality will soon detonate; they
told me i was sick, and i think
i finally believe that.
i am
running out of things
to say

i think
i need someone
to break my heart
again
 May 2014 Jade M Matelski
Love
Eat
 May 2014 Jade M Matelski
Love
Eat
Is that the lowest moment?
When you don't dare to wear shorts because of the scars that cover your legs.
And then you're sitting there at the dinner table with your family,
And they keep on telling you to eat,
But all you mutter is "I'm not hungry",
When you actually are.
You're starving but your image is worth more than a meal.
You eat a few bites just to shut them up,
And then run to the bathroom to rid yourself of it,
To make sure you can fit into those jeans,
The ones that could stand you losing another 5 pounds.
You get used to the lies of:
"I'm not hungry"
"I ate before I came"
And "oh yeah I'm fine, just tired".
Is that your lowest point,
When the only food you're feeding yourself is lies?
 May 2014 Jade M Matelski
Monika
my entire life is an endless cycle of apologies. i'm sorry for loving someone who i will never have a chance with. i'm sorry for being so ******* sad. i'm sorry for getting into these moods where everything anyone says makes me want to burst into tears and i'm sorry i'm such a ****** friend. i'm sorry that the reason i distance myself from people is because i genuinely believe they will be better off without me. i apologize for being such a burden. i'm sorry for all the sadness that everyone around me has to deal with because i can't seem to control it. i'm sorry for never knowing what i want and i'm sorry for hurting everyone that comes into my life. i'm sorry that at the end of the day, i feel even more worthless than i did when i woke up. i'm sorry that some days, i can't even seem to get out of bed. i'm sorry for not being able to put words together. i'm sorry that the reason i write so much is because i have so many things to say, they just never seem to leave my mouth. i'm sorry for letting him walk away. i'm sorry for giving up on myself. i'm sorry for never believing that i could be happy. i'm sorry for letting everyone down. i'm sorry for never listening to anyone. i'm sorry for always crying. i'm sorry for being so pathetic. i'm sorry for being the source of my own sadness.
This is an apology
For all the **** I've done
And all the **** I didn't do
And all the **** I'm bound to do

This is an apology
For all the cigarettes I've smoked
Since I was fourteen years old
And for the cheap *****
I drank to forget myself

This is an apology
For the flowers I've trampled
And crushed to the ground
And for the trees I carved
"**** it all" into

This is an apology
To mother
(Who I know I've disappointed
beyond words)

This is an apology
To my old high school teacher
(Who believed so much in me
Who said I would ******* shine)

This is an apology
To my best friend
(Who calls at 3 am just to make sure
I haven't burned out)

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm so *sorry
I don't know when
The idea of starving myself
Became so appealing

I don't know when
It would stop
either
The first time I tried ****** I was looking for an act of defiance
I was hanging a glowing neon sign on my chest that screamed *******
Man, I swear James Dean shot it up my arm
He had a tattoo on his wrist and it said, it said
Rebel without a cause
And those four words pretty much summed me up
I was 17
I still do not know who I was raising my middle fingers at
My god I haven't posted in three months. Truth be told I'm wondering how I still have followers
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