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Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Our love was beautifully vapid
The evanescence of it; pure misery
But I could not stop to wait for you
Because you were a ******-the most innocent of the pure
And corruption trickled out my veins
                            it was melted wax

I saw you-holding the unlit cigarette to your mouth-never inhaling
but the temptation
it empaled you like a thorn
Your parents. Your highly respected reputation, will you burn it?
Will you **** her?
Will you **** me?

Can you withstand the allure of the forbidden fruit?

Salvation; you want to be saved
                 You want **** the lust that veils you
And I want to preserve it
But it slips from my grip like a drunken bottle of whiskey

And you return to your savaging chasteness
And I can no longer wait for the day your loosened morals
   Protrude like a needle
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Hateful tears slice my skin like razors in the bathtub
I’ve been hurt by the bare hands that once bound us together too many times
You were an angel to me and you loved me like a child
But when I come home and your breath smells like cheap whiskey you twist and thrive underneath burning skin belonging to a type of corruption only the Devil could endure

My bruised eyes are proof of your demons
My broken arm is proof of your demons
My always plentiful supply of makeup to cover your loving blue outline is proof of your demons
My battered body is proof of your demons

The pain doesn’t scare me. I accept it as my own.
I understand your need for attention and your need to be left alone.
I just haven’t mastered the ability to sense when you’ve been left alone with your thoughts for too long
Flashbacks of your own childhood-the ******* that your daddy forced upon you
The sound of skin tearing, the scent of blood. Your fathers voice. His silhouette hovering.

You linger in the doorway for too long when I walk in.
I look in your eyes; the **** videos play back to me. I know I shouldn’t touch-I remind you too much of your father.
Threats to leave me, swinging your fists.

Tomorrow you will say how mistaken you were-you thought I was your father you thought I was a monster but you know now that I’m the most intimate version of a mother you should know
Curling up, weeping your apology. Comfort me, hold me, you beg.

I know better than this. I picture my mother “Once and you leave him.” But its been 16 months now and i cannot leave a fallen angel.
I can’t bring myself to walk out because I know you chose me.
Distrusting; you chose me. You saw I had flowers splurging from my veins and all anyone else could see was self abusing thorns.

The blood from your knuckles soak the blood resting upon my face
It tugs and pulls and I bring you in
Your beautiful, tear filled eyes make me feel special
“I’m sorry, I love you, I’m sorry, I love you”
I’m sorry I love you.
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
Baby, you're so soft
The purity of your soul
Makes me fall in love
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
she smells like rain on a humid summers day and she tastes like blackberries freshly picked off the bush.
when she laughs, it makes the humming birds sound like nails on a chalkboard and i know how cliche this all sounds but she walks like an angel and i cant help but notice she sings with her tears, she disperses the pain. she makes me want to write about butterfly's and flowers instead of cut wrists and veins.
I tell her I love her. She replies with a kiss never confessing her love but I say it anyways because her smile creates this feeling in me I haven't felt since childhood and she needs to know she is loved. when I feel her bones on my hips I cringe she's so thin.
The disorder, it's gotten hold of her. We both have bruised knuckles and neither one wanting  to confide in another the reason we shake.
But I know her secret and I know she knows too. We've never been on a date because dates consist of eating and neither one of us are ready.
Ready to show our own bruises, our protruding broken hearts. I just hope they melt together and if they don't I'll sew them. We can beat together because we already do. We hurt the same, we have he same demons and they visit us at night when were alone and always lonely.
Hold my hands I'll hold yours too but your fingers they're so cold I fold them to my heart. If we're together tonight the monsters stay hidden, fall in love with each other, not in love with our demons.
Jade M Matelski May 2014
is there water in your lungs? fire in your veins? poison in your blood?

tell me why you cant sleep at night

the whole worlds asleep and you're awake drowning in thoughts of suicide
listening to the demons cry

have you ever felt so used up that you couldn't heave breath from your chest?
do you know what it's like to feel nothing at all?
or everything at once? can you tell me why you're eyes don't shine anymore?
they were once filled with light-they were so bright.

i know you feel like nothing is okay
but darling, i will kiss your scars
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Baby, you’re shaking, Tremors in your hands, your heart.
The rate of your heart is desperately flourishing
I know you’re scared. I feel your fear.
I need you to know that my hands shake as well
And I’ll never forgive if I castrate an artery
Oh, your beautiful blank arms
“Once won’t hurt.”
But soon your arms become a practice
For the doctors will look and think to themselves.
“How did she get like this?”
You think the track marks will mask the cuts!
But your just trading one addiction for another
Your arms are the definition of unzipped
In every possible way, they cry
They scream for help
They screech for more, more, more!
Convulsing, your pulse is barley thumping
Against my fingers; I cannot feel it
I’ve let this disease dominate you
I hooked a rope to your veins, a rope connecting straight to a coal from
And the manifestation
Oh, how it’s progressed. We both are consumed
Wishes for destruction. The weeping starts command.

My mother once told me to never smoke Mary
Or pop Molly
Or dance with the devil.

I suppose those warnings have been forgotten amidst the tar stuck to my brain
I want to lie with you, I want to feel your heart
I need to know you’re breathing

Sinner, Sinner.
We are going to burn.
We need to stop the heat
It possesses the angel and comforts the devil
I realize I’m not alone
But in this room under the moonlight, clutching a bottle of whiskey and
A needle blazing under my skin
I’ve never felt so lonely.
Are you in Heaven baby?
Or do you meet with Diablo in Hell?
All I know is that right now, I want to be with you
I want my affair with the fire to be real
I want the burning to be more than a sensation
Because you’re on fire
And I know it’s ******, but I don’t wish to put you out.
I will hold your hand and turn to ash,
I got you hooked; You overdosed.
I take the blame
Please forgive.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
I was 17 the day you frantically tried to stop the blood flow and give me yours. Wearing a coat of grief and guilt you thought to yourself, Did I let her do this? Was this my fault? And how did I not see this coming?

Over and over I was trying to tell you this is not your fault, and I am so sorry that you are weeping, but I was unconscious and your screaming would have masked any poor words I could have attempted to mutter.

And at 1:32 in the morning I watched you grip my lifeless body, praying that the ambulance arrives in time, but they were just lonely words and I had already met God, and the way he looked at me, with the same hunger in his eyes a distraught ****** would convey. And he called to me! He cooed, “Please, please, come baby.” Chanting the unforgivable words that once robbed me of a childhood.

And he has attempted the seven deadly sins-succeeded with five  Lust, sloth, gluttony, greed and wrath. Yet has he been envious for what would be the reason? He is GOD, mighty and royal. And nor has he been filled with pride because his shame is to bone-although it doesn’t show. This is not the god I have been taught to love. He is not mighty. He does not pay for his sins and he cannot be forgiven, for who is he begging to? Filthy and judgmental  He wants me to know judgement day is upon us and only he who has obeyed the false instructions shall be accepted  And he wants me to know: I will not be one of the many.

Feeling *****, I go way down low. There i met the devil; soul crushing and obscene. Obscene as one can be. Someone who truly deserves agony, someone who deserves to burn. I say hello. He shakes his tail and crawls to me. He sniffs. He knows who I’ve met and he knows that I’ve left. I cringe under his abusive eyes. He strikes me-I strike back. I shall not be demeaned underneath this man who shows even god to be angelic. Humor proves to be his second language and his enjoyment comes from the blood of others; the smell of their fear; and their flesh stripped wounds satisfy his obvious lust. There I lie, stripped of my skin and red covered limbs. I allow myself to rise and he allows me to leave. His fun is over-what’s the use of a bag of bones?

Crawling back out i realize; our holy heaven and our flaming hell are only two different versions of evil.

What seems like a decade and what possibly could be-I crawl back to the house my soul no longer lives in. And at 1:34 in the morning I see my mother once again-she has a gun in her palm. Shaking. Crying. We both beg. I cannot stop her. She cannot hear me. Blood. Splattered walls. Two drenched bodies.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2014
12:48 am
**** god and religon **** presidents and their ******* **** school **** laws **** normality **** clothes **** ***** **** drugs **** love **** sexism **** rascism **** blood **** words **** suicide **** murderers **** rapists **** knives **** guns ******* **** this poem **** this aint even a poem **** this

11:58 am
its like everything in the world is so beautiful and i am in love with everyone and everything and theres so much beauty and so much love that i cant function because theres no way for me to experience it all and theres no way for me to love all of it back
i hate that i do this (everything is black or white-good or bad)
its all either awful or wonderful
Jade M Matelski Jan 2014
she was like liquid fire
everything she touched would turn to ash
and she touched me, dear god
her hands were warm like summer
she smelled like cinnamon and

it was a bright sunday afternoon
I had just bought flowers
for her to kiss
her breath was decaying them
the fire, burnt them into nothing but
a pile of red and purple ash;
a lot like my heart

her hair smelled like *** and
sweat; I lean in closer
but I was harmfully ignorant
and didn't see the signs
of my lover
slowly turning over
for another
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
Blood flows from my wrist like carbon dioxide from my lungs
I search in the endless sea for the stitching but it must be buried under the rocks

Somewhere a child cries; his mother won't feed him
Imagine yourself as the mother
Now as the child
I am both the mother
And child
I am hungry;
But, I cannot feed myself
Because of the calories and the

My skin, it tears at the thought
Of eating
I tear it open; it tears me open
****** wrist, ****** thighs
It comes in slowly and rapid movement
My heart barley beats; it thumps
Softly against my fingers
Too many pills I guess
Too much pain, I guess
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Crawling away in the midst of the night
The heat of her mothers hand still rests desperately upon her cheek
Lonely, but never alone
He watches from afar, the perfect crime. a perfect victim.
Defenseless, vulnerable.
“I care, i do. Let me help.”

She cries unto the comfort of a predator
Unaware of the hazards; of what he brings upon
Girls like her

She trusts him, she trusts him, dear god, she trusts him
She blissfully climbs into his truck
Infatuated with his eyes. Oh, how his eyes invite her
To a game she knows not of
His game. Dragging her through the hallway.
Screaming, screaming, dear god, what has she done!
Blood trickling from her nails, clawing at the door
Oh, what she wouldn't give for the  
Fever her mother, she beats her.

“Help, dear god, help!”
Oh, but nobody can hear
Nobody is listening
Is not listening
To the cry of a young girls
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
I was 15 years old when I realized what the meaning of innocence was
My cousin taught me a very valuable lesson on losing it
He taught me what it feels like to be abused.
He taught me what it feels to be helpless.
He taught me the meaning of, "Don't ******* tell."

That night purity spewed out of me like *****.
I flushed it down the toilet
I flushed my childhood down the toilet.

That night I got a glimpse of hell.
I got a glimpse of the devil.

The devil: curly hair, six foot four, two hundred and fifty pounds.
Eyes to leave you dripping crimson from your thighs
And turn your smile into a broken sink
Hands that will show you what flowers feel like when they die.

You will decay underneath him.
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
The girl who hates herself
Sitting in the bathtub with bruises on her thighs-cut marks on her hips
And stitches on her wrist

It's been 24 hours science she took that blade to her wrist
So effortlessly, like she's practiced the dangers of the game
To know just how deep to dig
To stop her beautiful heart

It's a cliche story, but tragic nonetheless
The story of a restless teenager that forgives the unspeakable
But can never forgive herself
Forgive herself for the weight she's put on
Can't forgive herself, for he's scarred her lips
When he kissed her, he created a disease.
A poison. Passed to his victim.
Self hatred is what she breathes
Always under the sea.
Wishes to join Deaths journey of pain

But her mother, her mothers heart breaks
Why is her little girl so full of hate?
Comfort, beg, don't do it again
I love you, I love you
Her father
Her father thinks she's ******
He doesn't understand the selfishness of
His beautiful, abusive daughter

She cries,her tears so bitter
Please, please, the liquid red dripping
Filling the tub, clouded water
Mom, mommy, I want you to save me
Dad, daddy, why don't you love me?
She wants to be dead, she feels it again
The overwhelming tiredness, sadness
And it's too much
Reopening the stitches
It's too much
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
I want to know more than your middle name and your favorite breakfast cereal or your favorite color I want to know who you are and what made you that way.

Do you ever consider suicide? Why or why not? Have you ever attempted suicide? Do you know what it's like to be shaking and take a gun to your head almost pull the trigger? Have you experienced the sick feeling after you swallow the fifty second pill? Whats your favorite song what's your favorite lyric from it does it represent who you are? Do you know who you are? Will you show me? If you don't can I help you find it?

Do you want to know where you came from? Do you believe in god? Where do you want to travel do you care about others? Or are you content where you are why don't you like change? Has a loved one passed on and who was it did you scream when you found out? Have you ever cried so hard you couldn't breathe why tell me who did this to you? What do you feel late at night are you scared of the dark?

Do you know what it's like to take a cold blade to your skin? Do you like the look of blood is your bedspread stained red? Have you been molested have you been *****? Did you go to therapy for it? Can you tell me the reason you shake? Would you ever be able to take a life? Would you be able to take your life? What drugs have you done what'd you see while you were on them do you love to be high? Do you love it too much can you ignore the craving at all?

Do you love yourself do you even like yourself? Do you know who you are? Do you know who you are? Do you know who you are? Do you know who I am? Can you help me find out?
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Can it be so easily explained? How can you so easily forgive?
The black spreads like a wild fire and I scream out of lust
Or maybe out of fear-they entangle too much
Out of forever is hard to explain-the downpour of sin
We flooded this place
The men will sure moan, but the women shan’t complain
It heats their compassion; their secret will rise past skin
For the desire has built-and quickly we touch

This encounter has shown me how not to live life
We burn the remains and hollow the brain
Forgive and forget, we can never explain
But the passion has built and we sin once again

God sees all, he knows what’s been done
Father reads fast, with anger and fury

You’ve committed abomination, you will surely be put to death.
Blood is upon you.
Look up, look up, look up! Pray, you *****!  

Father, *******! We won’t pray again!
It’s love and it’s true, how dare we say amen!  

But, oh, we've pushed much too far
Past the point of breaking
Nooses on necks, we've been punished
Hand against hand
Jade M Matelski May 2014
i don't know if i know anything about trauma
but its been two years and i can still feel his thick palms on my hips
i can taste his sweat on my lips
i can hear him shout not to tell
and no matter how hard i try
no matter how many showers i take
i cannot wash the filth away
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
Smoke, on a cold winter day
Fills the air
Caresses her face
Cherry blossoms float in the distance
Snow drips silently onto her nose
And as it does, she realizes, she drifts in the breeze
For a moment, her pain is stalled
And all is still in the woods
The trees, her brain
No longer shake with distress
But calmly are ribboned with cold
To make her forget
Of the night he broke her
With just two hands and
A lust that could fill the town
He broke her
But today, she is whole
Twenty below, and she is whole
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
They fall and fall and fall
The ignorance of the petals
       Of war
        Of pain

They don't have a father in Afghanistan; a father that was buried under the flames
   Or a house, blown away with the sea
      Haven't heard the screaming of their mothers; seeing their dead, ******, brother
         They haven't come face to face with true pain
    Their mother wasn't shot by an Iraqi in the desert
Their sister never forced into slavery for ***
Never has their eyelids been peeled off-to witness the **** of their little sister
They are so innocent and the beauty of their veil is tearfully sublime

    They repeat the melody in their heads
The harmony of Venus-shining bright
        Surrounded by stars
         Surrounded by pure
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
I can spot someone who hates themselves from a mile away.
I can see it in the way you sit. In the way you walk.
In the way you breathe.
Such timidness, such unsureness you don’t know if you belong here
You don’t know where you belong
They ask you what you want to be you say you don’t plant to live past 18.
They laugh, oh your jokes.
You can always make me laugh.
And you laugh along, you encourage their haste.
But what they don’t know is that this is not funny
And on your 18th birthday-you’ve planned it
You’re going to jump of the building on 42nd avenue
You’re going to watch the people, strewn below, deciphering just what you’re about to do
Making them regret the day they laughed; regret the day they doubted you

But girl, you’re barley grown. You need to relax, you need a moment to breathe
I will force you from the ledge-I will talk you down
Make you feel not so used up and I want you to believe in something
And if you’re having trouble finding a muse, use me as your painting
Believe in me
Because I believe in you, I have hope in you.
You just need to have hope in yourself.
You have the rest of eternity to be dead,
You’ve only got a while to live-so enjoy it
You’ll be dead soon If that comforts you
But while you’re here you cannot have such hate about yourself
And you cannot place yourself back into that dark hole you know oh too well

No matter the wrongs you’ve done or outdone
You are still worth everything inside you
The sun is going to come up whether you’re here or not
So why won’t you stay to enjoy it?
Learn to forgive yourself for the petty mistakes and set yourself free
Because once you unlock the chamber, your world will change
You will be unlocked, you will once be content in your own skin
Let go. Cut the rope tying you down- I know how cliche that sounds but its the only metaphor I know to exactly explain what’s stopping you
And all it is is a rope. Learn to release yourself from it. There is nobody holding you back. Just this pitiful, pathetic excuses of a rope.
You’re better than this. Stronger than the rope. Cut it.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2014
12:07 am

this is my first time writing since may. i dont really know what to write about. ive written about pain, ive written about guilt, ***, abuse, drugs. it seems thats all there is to be wrote about. i could write about love, but **** it thats so cliche and trust me ive tried it once and it turned out rotten.

i think this is a very bad time in my life. it feels as if rock bottom is one hill away. (lost all my friends, lost familys respect,cutting, getting fat(startingtostarve), snorting percs). ive thought ive been at rock bottom so many times. but every time i thought it, i realized theres more to come. (every overdose i exposed to mom)

but this time i think im farther down than that. im to the point that i realize dying is a bad option, but i can feel, as the seconds go by, it seems like the best. i know i thought about dying before, but never in this sense. ive never thought of it as a real option, ive always thought "yes, i will take these pills, but they will not **** me. i will get help after they see im suffering"

honestly, i dont want to overdose and end up back in the hospital. its a bore, a endless circle of routine. (take the pills, confess, hospital, pumped with fluids, drink the charcol, talk to doctors, pack my bags, long drive, 1 week stay)

but i dont want to die either. im terrifed of whats after death. (heaven/hell?, rot in the ground? come back a bear?) (worst scenario: stay on earth as a ghost, watch my loved ones suffer)

and i do realize there are people that love me, not many, but enough. and for some ****** up reason thats not stopping me from my selfishness. its not convincing me to let my darkness out.

im so confused about life and about who we are and what were suppoused to do and how everything ended up the way it did. im thinking too much nonsense, not thinking enough commonsense.

anyways, i guess ill keep living for now (probably keep cutting, keep snorting pills, and keep starving) and pray (towho???)that things get better
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Love is no longer a feeling
But merely a word with no expectations or sensuality attached
We can no longer find comfort in one another
Nor can you find faith in the beloved God you once believed in
Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness
The sin you’ve made is not one to be easily forgotten
And the blood on your hands will not be washed away
No matter the intensity of your castile

Your purity and ignorance is not a tourniquet
What you’ve done to our Father can not be excused
And you will not be given a chance to explain
Because the previous attempts you’ve tried your best to suppress
Will prevail over the meaningless words you spit onto our souls

The dirt is where you belong and the dirt is where you will be
I will be shame faced when you sink to the ground
But no matter; your pure convection is filth to us now
And because you have hung our holy Father
You will be hung with this rope under the tree
Where which we proclaimed our love
For sin is to be treated like so
And love is demolished under the eyes of our God
Jade M Matelski Mar 2014
Chapter 1
My mom checks her phone.
"I just took 37 pills and I'm afraid I'm going to die."

Chapter 2
Everyone always talks about how beautiful night is. In our poems we compare it to love. We compare it to eternity. We compare it to existence. But the darkness scares me. Nighttime terrifies me. I become so alone with my thoughts and there is no escape. I am completely alone. And when i'm alone i tend to do reckless things. My brain; so impulsive. I get drunk, I smoke ****, I have ***. I cut myself. I contemplate the bottle of pills under my bed.  I take the bottle of pills hidden under my bed. I don't cry; no-this isn't real yet. I don't shake. Steady hands. I forget about my family; I am not afraid of dying. Ten down. 27 to go. 16. 11. 8. 2.
I look up. I count to twenty. I feel sick. My sister, comes in. I cry- I cry so hard. I am going to die. I remember my family.
I am afraid.
So I text my mother. I refuse to face her-I won't face her. The shame, the guilt, the disappointment she will have. The anger.  She's going to be so angry.

Chapter 3
My dad storms in my room. So, so, angry. I cry-i'm scared. Not of  dying. I'm scared of my dad. Of my mother. Of their judgement. I walk into their bedroom. Nobody cries. I can feel the hostility. I can feel the anger. Why don't they love me?  "Attention seeker." They say. I cry. I hope I die. I shouldn't have said anything. I should have let them find me, shriveled up like a dried out flower- no pulse no pulse no breathing.
My mother takes me to the ER. My father stays home to sleep. My stomach feels like I have a cancer- a mold growing inside of me.
But I am afraid I will live.
Jade M Matelski Mar 2014
she asks me if i'm there.
i respond with silence.
we're fighting. we're always fighting. about things like why you ignored my phone call or why you still talk to your ex or why you came home late
or why you looked at a different girl when i was standing right in front of you. or why you dont look at me anymore when you say you love me. or why, when i tell you my heart is breaking, you dont kiss me. you dont respond with a love song.

she asks me if im there
i respond, no.
she tells me she loves me.
she looks away.
Jade M Matelski Jan 2014
Ignore them. Intruding thoughts come to you in the night, do not act on them. Push them away. Pretend you haven't thought them. Because they are just thoughts, they cannot ruin you. As long as you don't let them. Change your way of thinking and you can change your life. Don't let negative thoughts control you, learn to control them.

2. Eat. Eat regularly and eat well. When you've eaten too much do not force your fingers down your throat. Do not deprive yourself of the most basic survival need. Food is not going to **** you, but your eating disorder will. You are worthy. You are beautiful.

3. Learn to love yourself. Its all you can do in this world full of pain. You have this body for your whole life, you cannot be violating it with so much hate. I know how hard it is, but if you want to get by, this is the most important thing. You need to love yourself. Because you're worth it.

4. Enjoy the little things. Look at the flowers, drink coffee. Meditate. Breathe. Focus on your breathing, watch the stars. Remember where you came from.

5. Forgive. Forgive yourself and forgive others. Never hold a grudge because holding a grudge is like feeding yourself poison. Let go of the past, it's called the past for a reason.

6. Do not do drugs. They will ruin you. No matter what you feel, they will not solve it. They cannot save you. They will tear you apart from the inside out.

7. Find a hobby. Anything you enjoy doing. You deserve to have a safe release and escape from the world.

8. Let people in. You are not supposed to feel all this pain by yourself. You need to find somebody you can actually talk to, whether its a therapist or your mother. If you do not let people in you can never get better. You need help from outside sources, whether you want it or not.

9. Be good to your family. You never know when the last time you might be seeing them will be. They love you, treat them like you love them.

10. Play with animals. Animals can be so therapeutic. Get a cat.

11. Don't worry what others think about you. You cannot change their opinion. It doesn't matter what they think about you. All that matters is what you think of yourself.
I was 13 years old when I first noticed signs of depression.
later, I was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety, and more recently, borderline personality disorder.
I've been through a lot, and I haven't always handled it well
this past august I swallowed a bottle of pills
it ended me up in a psychiatric hospital
while there, I learned so much about myself and about life
I learned how to cope with anger
what I learned there is what I'm going to share with you
this is called: How to Survive Your demons.
This is how to save yourself.
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
1) I am soft sand between your toes
2) I am the essence of sunshine
3) I am breathing for you
4) I am made of lithium; I spread to you
5) I am filled with stardust
6) I am strawberry white sheets fresh from the dryer
7) I am the ocean when you are sad; i envelop you into my arms
8) I am wrong.
9) I am not the ocean.
10) I am not your happiness.
11) I am your misery
12) I am the gun you used to ****
13) I am a knife you shed your blood
14) I am the darkness; wretched in your soul
15) I am fire. I burn you when we touch
16) I am the ashes that fill your chest.
17) I am the contaminated air that you breathe.
Jade M Matelski Oct 2016
i guess you have to feel to write poetry, right? maybe thats why im in such a rut such a empty shell void of feeling therefore void of imagination. creativity.
i used to write well used to scream out my hurt write it all down.  turned my brain off too long. learned how to do it and obviously abused it. im trying to turn it back on, get the wires to spark. too much empty space is how it feels. too many disconnected wires.
Jade M Matelski May 2014
i cannot remember how many pills i took that night
or how many minutes it took for the ambulance to arrive
no, i cannot remember the details
most of it was a blur
rushing faces, bright lights, loud noises

but i remember your voice
and i remember it was the first time you told me you loved me
do you remember i tried to say it back?
or do you remember the details
did you memorize the seconds i was dead for?
or how long it took to bring me back?
darling, there used to be no difference between your fist and your face
but that night, i couldn't tell your tears from your mouth
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Poison me
hemlock drink;
I rest in the flame.
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
My best friends name is Mya
Shes a beautiful wonder; a saint in disguise
But she hates herself 
For everything
Eating, talking

She let's out forgiveness but breathes in resentment 
It gets changed somewhere inside
Afraid to stand in a crowd afraid of the looks
She thinks people give her

Tries to starve the ugly out
But girl, there wasn't any to start
Used to cut her wrist let flowers spill 
She quit that dangerous addiction years ago 
But it still haunts her mind/thinking should I? Should I? Should I?
Should I again give into the unforgiving blade? 
Shes so hungry but won't let herself eat
Traded in her pain got a different kind 

I love you I love you
I'll say it untill you love yourself
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
She thinks of nobody but herself
But still her bedrooms filled with nails she falls
And always seems to land on her wrist
Gashes a centimeter wide she needs stitches she needs to call an ambulance
She'll bleed out! God ****** she'll bleed out!

But she's not ready to die yet so she stitches herself back up
Hoping she hasn't drained too much
Because she loves the sting the reason she lives is for the sting
And the DRUGS
PILLS: Oxy, Percocet, Vicodin, Demerol
She sniffs them she snorts them she even ******* chews them!
She'll do anything as long as she can float

She won't admit it but she loves life she loves the drugs
And pain and abuse that come with life
She loves the pain, oh *******, she loves the pain
So she stitches herself back up she doesn't want to die
Repeat repeat she does it again
Dripping on the kitchen tile but this time is different

This time she's forgotten about the drugs and the pain
She's focused on her wrist and her wrist and her wrist and her blade
Too deep, she's gone too deep again
But she doesn't care  she's not stitching herself back up
She's ready to die with not enough drugs and
Too much pain
She's ready to leave this world behind
Ready to leave the pills

Don't leave me don't leave me
I love you I love you
Grab the needle, please get the thread
Please just stitch yourself back up stitch yourself back up
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
I was bored and I wanted to see some blood, mom
Really, I wasn't trying to **** myself
I know it's a little too deep
I just wanted to see some blood
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
You are made of stardust. You are an infinite galaxy.
The planets orbit around you. You are their sun. Their life source.
When you die, they die.
You are important.

But you have a devil inside of you.
He wants you to die. He carries your red stained blade.
His fingers are down your throat daily.
You let him in.

But it's time to realize you have an angel inside of you as well.
Begging the devil to stop scratching the surface
Praying for a savior.

You are the savior.
It's time to save yourself.
Time to let the angel free
Let him conquer the devil.

Please, you are worthy.
You need to preserve the galaxy.
Fight for your life; go to war.
But be on the the other side this time.
Fight the darkness, let the light in.
Let yourself free.
Jade M Matelski Mar 2014
She smells like rain on a warm summers day and she tastes like blackberries freshly picked off the bush.
When she laughs, it makes the humming birds sound like nails on a chalkboard and i know how cliche this all sounds but she walks like an angel and i cant help but notice her defined collarbones
She makes me want to write about butterfly's and flowers instead of cut wrists and veins.
I tell her I love her. She replies with a kiss never confessing her love but I say it anyways because her smile creates this feeling in me I haven't felt since childhood and she needs to know she is loved. when I feel her bones on my hips I cringe she's so thin.
This disorder, it's gotten hold of her. Bruised knuckles-never confessing the reason she shakes
Anorexia and bulimia-I know this disease too well. It's chronic, it's an illness, it's a suicide attempt. She doesn't know it's killing her-she refuses to accept that she has it. But at night- I can barley see a lump when she's underneath the covers.
When she dies,  her coffin will be so light people will check to make sure there's a body in it.
Her bones are sharp-like scissors. And I wonder, does she use them to cut? Do they tear her skin open? Is her elbow used to fresh air?
I hold her hands. They're so cold. How can a person live like this? If I could, I would force her to eat.
She hates the mirror. If I could, I would make her see a beautiful person looking back.
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
I wont be able to sell my liver after this.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
I can feel a tsunami coming, it's on the horizon, begging to be set free
The dam is breaking; the desire to tear
And when I let it loose, let the demons run free,
Im going to drown in the blood pooling like a waterfall from my wrist

When I see the tide is high I will gently allow the water to break
I will stop the red pulse of shimmering lipgloss only when the floor cannot breathe from the sea of red, glazed over like a sheet
Let the salt from the red drip onto the floorboard like the baptism of a young child
Only there is no water and this is not a game suited for children

Some call it selfish, destructive
My doctor tells me I have a borderline personality
But me, the hazards from this game entice me as a lamp does a fly
I'm aware of the light, been close to it too many times
But never has the beast in me dared to touch

Someone pulls me back to darkness and intertwined shaking hands
Of yours they make me feel safe and less abused
We stitch the walls, we close the blinds
This isn't over yet; laceration comes too easily to ignore
But for this moment, glowing eyelids, I pray dear God, don't take me yet
His grip loosens, but I know, soon I'll be back for more
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
there are so many different ways to say pure;
the essence of purity is a dreadful beast
lithium glazed eyes-she speaks  
"you are not clean."
sin is not something she knows of and she never weeps red
so her judgement is pure. she is not aware of the fire.  
the fire that blazes below. below her belt. below the ground.

he spots her. she sits on the white.  
clarity flows from her veins. her mouth curves fall with grace.  
and they speak.

the devil.  
an angel.
they speak.

the heat is in her skin now; she can feel the pulsing
hiding her desire
her eyes betray her.  
this is the line. the line where heaven meets hell.
they touch; a spark
pulls her in close
her beating heart is between her thighs

and it must be true. that the devil is a fallen angel.
because the recession of this angels purity was abandoned when she saw him.
Jade M Matelski May 2014
she is self-destruction in a bottle. she
can make fire out of sweat,
feel thorns inside her bones, and
the importance of this is that, oh
baby, the river runs red. time to
kick the habit.

but she's a broken vessel, and she
still sees in black and white. so
her body is in overdrive.
fingers caress her ****** thighs
are you listening? because soon she's going
down. a dance with a devil.
her needle's clean, her tar is laced, and her
throat is sore-she has been drowning.

her parents never loved her. her
wrist became an answering machine. she
is cold- her fingers bruised.
traced the stretch marks on her hips she has never been
with. only this month did the
red turned to white.

and by the time she notices
she realizes it's too late and she
has already
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
Trace the outline of her body
Feel her scars
Feel her pain

Open her wounds

Drink her fear
Her guilt
Her shame

Melt your souls together  
Equally insane

One fears sun
The other; rain

Lungs full of sorrow
Liquid hate
She cries out to him
"It was today"

Her blood stained the knife
Red down the drain
His blood followed hers
Together they stay
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
I want a cup of coffee
And I want you to love me
I want your soft hands exploring
The arch of my back
And I want your fingers to caress my protruding spine

I want you asking about my bones
Why they're so sharp, who made them that way
And if I use them to cut

I want you to show your mother my ring
And tell her how happy you are
I want it, your happiness, to absorb, consume me
I want to consume you

Your lust is not a replacement for your love
But I'll take anything I can get
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
Dear Jade,

1. Your mother called you curvy. You mistook it for fat. A permanent reminder in your thigh.

2. The night he broke you. You perceived his uncontrollable lust as a result of your drunkenness. This was punishment.

3,4,5. Food. A scar for every one hundred calories you consumed that day.

6. The result of a suicide attempt. All the bleach in the world couldn't clean this mess.

7. Your plant died. When it did, a part of you died with it. I think you were just looking for a reason to fall apart.

8. Your grandmother died and you didn't cry. This was a reminder you could still feel.

9. FAT again. You gained three pounds and your jeans almost fit.

10. Probably needed stitches. You just wanted to see some blood.

11. Your scars were fading. You couldn't bear to see them go. Start over.

It would take me a lifetime to write the reasons behind every one of your scars.
Please. Let this be enough.
Let me enough. Love me.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
My mother thinks the boy on our street tried to **** our dog.
She claims to have seen him do it too-“he was going to run it over!”
I try to explain to my mother that he is not that kind of evil.
He would never hurt a fly.

All he allows himself to hurt are girls-young girls-most have the same blood
****** and **** are words that make him cringe; he’s afraid somebody knows
Afraid that she told. Afraid his mom will find out what a monster he is.

I feel sorry for him, I really do. Having to hide his lust.
Having to suppress the fact he ***** all these girls.
It must ******* ****.
I can’t say i understand because I’m not made of dirt and sin.
I don’t know what it’s like to force *** onto so many beautiful young girls.
Put them in order; I won’t be the first.
I’ll be after his sister.
After his sisters friend.
Three more of his cousins and there my name will lie.
It’s a gut wrenching scenario ill never say more about,
Except that he’s more perverse than his daddy was.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
marks upon the skin no feline could make-bittersweet scarlet deluges the hate
the frenzy shall earn a place by her heart
she paints admist her blood; calling it art
violation of the windpipe and she’s loosing more weight

tries to forget the scars that he’s made
mother can’t help, father will tell
is she a produce of the devil? she is immersed inside hell
she instills the remarks and fights for the blade
"how fleshy she looks, her skin is too large"
cannot help but weep, the words create torment
now ***** manifests, the gut-wrenching scent
she lies in the mess, too faint to take charge

the edge chews in deep,
her pulse has decreased
so close the sun, her heartache will cease
the red stains tile, but she will not weep

her organs have slowed
drowning in sweet, sticky, red wine
mother crawls close, sees her design
her beating is done, all doors have been closed
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
i want to see my bones
and i want you to feel them
please, please. tell me i’m skinny,
i need you; i need you asking about the weight i’m losing
that i need to be losing
skinny and you’ll love me
you’ll love me if i’m skinny
please, wait and i’ll be skinny
i’m trying. i’m trying so hard.

***** covered hands
blood dripping from my nose
please, can’t you see that i’m trying?
don’t give up. not yet.
please, don’t give up on me yet.
i promise i’ll be thinner than her
thinner than everyone
please, wait. wait for me. i promise i’ll be skinny.
i promise.

i’m too fat for love
and i know what you think about me
because i think the same! i can see the rolls
i can feel the weight
i promise i’ll be skinny.
give me time. give me time.
all i need is time.
i want my bones to show.
i want to be used as a skeleton in a science class
i want everyone to see it
i want to show how skinny i can get
i promise i’ll be skinny
please, dont judge me for my extra pounds
they’ll be gone soon
i promise they’ll be gone soon

can’t you see i want this?
i’ve never wanted anything more
my hands are *****
blood, *****, sweat, tears.
my stomach is empty
can’t you smell my breath?
my clothes?
my hair?
the scent of ***** lingers
i’m ruining my insides
so you can see my bones
please, see me.
please, can’t you see me?
you won’t look because of the fat
and i’m sorry for the sight you have to see
i promise you’ll soon be able to rub
your bones against my bones

i need my bones to show.
i need them to cut skin.
i need my bones to show.
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
The gun
Was still smoking
When i found his body
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
You used to be like lithium
Curves in all the right places
A smile that had essence of sunshine and 
Hollowed stars
Your nicotine crusted lips enticed me and you were so addictive

But now your just addicted 

****** laced blood spills from your veins 
You **** it up with the syringe you're so addicted 
Your eyes are just hollowed holes
With sticky black on your finger tips you touch my face, smearing
I kiss you, honey, I love you, baby 
But you've chosen your affliction
Over me
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
Sand in my pockets
I wander from the beach
Lost-amidst a crowd of lonely faces
Thinking of only yours

I should have realized you were no good
When I caught you turning tricks and selling dope
But oh, your eyes, I was cursed to fall in love with danger and wrongness
Within your eyes

I should have known you were no good when I caught you stealing my cash
To buy your dope
But your rough hands pushed and pleasures my inner demons
They liked your presence amongst the Devil
You'd been through Hell
But so had I

And finally
You dumped me
With blonde hair and a black t shirt
You told me I was no good
On the beach.
We made love.
You left me
You left me.

And ****, this gun is talking to me
It's telling me beautiful things
Caressing me with the chamber
Of hell
The trigger. My finger dances around it
You left me
You left me
And when you did
You took the only sane part of me with you
But you ******* left me

I pull the trigger
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
like the clown said to the boy-i’ll show you how to float
of euphoria-we’ll wear the coat

and we will. i’ll caress your lips and cary you high
you’ll be looking down at the stars; not up; the emptiness will terrify

we will swim through the clarity
and dance in the serenity

we’ve probably got an addiction
because the highs unsafe; causing the tempermental fear of friction

i promise you one thing. we will never come down.
keep snorting untill you feel the crown

the crown of heaven, the call to angels. i pray we’ll never fall
but we will, we will, we will. never forget how it feels to withdrawl

promises broken and dead cells cover the mind
we’ve fell, we’ve fell so far. it’s hard to leave something like this behind

it lingers-destroys us-suicidal thoughts arrive
can we feel it? i don't think we're going to survive
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
i was fifteen; disoriented; drunk on shame and a little *****
violated; infringed upon me like a school yard bully
waiting to pounce upon his young victim
i was dressed in white, a pure vacancy
with every drink i was unknowingly inviting the lion
making a bitter den for his carnal disposition-resentment
a secret-i never promised to keep it
we share blood! a casualty, unforgivably forgotten

i wasn't able to bear the weight of his words any longer
needed to relieve the tension building up in my somber, fragile, bones
my apprentice was a slender, silver blade
and i unlocked the beasts' crate-allowed him to flow through the wound
like rain-underneath the bright streetlight on a december evening
looking for anything to help me forget

but the beast i set free, the beast was me!
with that final laceration i desperately looked for the thread
the thread that could stitch my hand back onto wrist
but time became syrup-slowing and sticky
and the moon shone on my left limb, wrongful display
i reach for my pulse. drowning in the cold

in my note-i should have apologized to the maid
for having to clean up
all my pain
Jade M Matelski Dec 2013
i never thought i'd be this person
addict; stealing, stealing, stealing
say it out loud, mom
your daughter is an addict
i'm not saying its your fault you couldn't have known
but you neglected your pills; you left them alone
and i couldn't resist the temptation
seen it on tv. heard it in songs. oxy
three letters consumed me.
one taste; i was in love
god, the high
the high it was like
heaven heaven heaven

but soon, two wasn't enough
and thus came the first increased dose
three four five now six
snort them, baby. the burn!
obsessed with the burn
and my glazed eyes, god you could see the ocean

but the comedown was hell
even more so because i was used to heaven
it was hard for me to comedown
keep poppin' em so you're always up
always in the clouds
you wont understand that metaphor
unless you've been there;
unless you've seen yourself floating
breathing slowed
surrounded by white; high
Jade M Matelski Nov 2013
she wears 12 human teeth around her neck and when i ask why she tells me it's art
but i cant help but wonder where she got those teeth and if she made the necklace or did she buy it?
are they real teeth or just molds of something that used to be?
and is she a sick psychopath or just an unusual artist?  
as the weeks go by i touch the teeth they're real, they're human, shes sick
there's 14 teeth on the string now and she holds them in her palms
tears down her face she plucks, like petals, the teeth, shes sick

grabs her hair, cuts chunk by chunk off her head
i grab the knife still she cries she wont let go shes sick
we walk in the house, bodies,
dismembered people strewn about her kitchen
how can the neighbors stand the smell?
i count, one two three fourteen shes sick, dear god, she's sick!
she cries she screams look what I've done!
its art! she cries it's art!  

the sirens come close who called?
thirty i mean sixty men push through the door surround
put our hands on our heads why me ?!

i scream she screams our hands go up
i close my eyes make it stop please god just make it stop
open shes gone i turn around the cops aim straight
flashes flashes flashing back to the night
its me, it's me, dear god, i'm sick!
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