I wish to speak now child,
unto the ears of the sheep
Words are not for you.
You, I give my artwork
framed, pieces of my darkest works
deep like the hours that go on for days
Cycling, cycling, always the same
Every morning grows to day
Identically predictable
Just as was the day before
as it was days, and days since past
I am aware that each breath
is one less that we get to take,
What is off is that it doesn't bother me
I don't worry how I waste each one
Watching the leaves of fall start falling
dried, cracked, severed, falling
the leaves resemble yesterday
floating, and falling on the winds
from far above and out of reach
to the forest floor, the earth,
to feed the soil and dirt.

I think of days
just the best are yours

and when in the emptiness
of the nights without
the heart wants

Cannot, forget
when I think of your face
an ache feeds my pain
amazing, Green eyes twice
and three shades
missing,

your smile, never fading
remains, constant,

two shades,.. maybe,
I think, of the lies
and truths, mine hurt
light hits me,
a realization, and shame
on me, on the the way,

things are wronged
the fights,

right or half wrong...

the way her name
and the hurt
and what remains

is like a scar on the soul

I cant deny how she creates
an aching need

there is no control
i try, i do, i lose

I tried it all

maybe inside
i don't want to forget you.

The days,
And just the best were yours.

We all have them,
mine are packed,
stacked, buried away
in my closet,
the half torn shoe box,
rebox, running shoes once
now it holds my past,
my photographs,
seeing the familiar faces
but one calls and holds my eyes
it is of You, when we knew each other
not quite the beginning, mid way
still happy and your eyes were hiding
you used to smile, but was it ever for me?
I'm beginning to think,
You knew that that day was coming
Then you told me,
and I watched you go,
another life ago.

If I must have three reasons
Two good, one overdue
And if the two are true
Then if I can help me I will
Learning to help you
Something I might like
So whisper sweet your nothings
Say then just three
to contribute, make them true
So I can believe
As I am counting on you
False things fall apart
Let one have me
If one is you
Then the last will be
Three... Overdue.

37 times 37 and still I am alone not right I guess they all reach that conclusion to be honest myself they have valid and ample reason 37 and still no one can ride with start again this time with less less time for living each rotation seems faster the new one that just passed before I know it long white tunnels second only just met myself insecurity manifestation of a man but couldn't see his way out

this time of night

Still up, amongst the rabble,
and the insects
as they swarm in the cool,
and relish the moonlit
I rummage through thoughts,
I reflect, I haunt,.. ever caught
a thought as circles about
around and throughout your head
or flown in the placid purple twilight
of heaven's ocean in the sky?
Quality time, quietly appreciating
silience as it is but for the crickets,
far off car tires against the cooling asphalt
automated sprinklers hissing new moisture to alien lawns
No pressing appointments
to nail down uncertain morrows
the moon, her stars, their perch and ours
I love this time,
though I am often at my lonliest,
overcome with rerun moments
of my life
as it once was
hypothetical questions
unvocalized to the universe
Am I ever thought about
is it time and time again?
Why do I do this?  
Will I ever stop?
another question...

I am a man, made to look
Memories splinter and fracture
Glass in a window,  brittle
Falls to pieces crashing down
Places,  spaces therein between
Beneath they are crushed
Made smaller and countless
Rushed and carried all over
By busy feet do they arrive
Where peddles golden blooming
Bursting brilliance into heaven
Above us is always blue
Clear,   forever, ending

She
Sheds love.
Void of emotions;
Me
I love with all my heart
Foolishly old fashioned.
My time is not,
Made of the ways I face each day.
I am not built
Nor am I okay with throw away love.
But she,
I saw her change.
Just a flip of a switch
And she walked away.
Differences.

And there you are,
that look, those eyes.
And Me,?.  But A ghost
Too long haunting.
You,  those eyes,..
And I am at once,
again,..  Always,
Held by them.
Foolishness those dreams
Those of yesterday
Every time, each time,
Caught regardless, breath taken
And there I am,  the fool
Nightly chases,
myself, the madman
In endless cycles
recognition coaches the way
The way of acceptance
I remind myself that things change
But there you are,
And I am drawn up,
quartered,..  Lost.
Again the madman has his day

That look,..
. . . . Those eyes,..

There You are,

. . . . . . Regardless.

I write and dream up new ways
To say and cry out old things
Utilizing the strings that can be tugged
That attach to inner most hopes
Hopes that feed dreams and needs
All of the things that can hurt
As they have done and I endure alone
I use these words that hold meaning
To tell the world how it is for me
To share with others that may comprehend
I write to post and pretend they reach you
But if they ever do is it just words
Or is the emotional message conveyed
I write to pretend that someone is listening.
I write to acknowledge the truth of loves cost
And to exercise my restless wants and longings
These are my chosen words
My means at giving feeling to the way one reads them.
My message to someone I know never sees or reads
The way it is to see or feel
Or love and want what cannot be
I write because I need to,  
Feel, to be, to eat, breathe.
I write because.

I'm alone, in a dark room, playing my game
I don't need to say how long I can hold on
If i even want to try,
Now I'm afraid, yeah,,, Staying awake
In back of my mind she stays, every dream,
everytime she twists them every which way
First i'm staring at an open grave,
in the middle of cemetary, in the middle of the night.
the bottom of the grave becomes a playground,
I cean see all of the kids, watch as they play
Oblivious to me, a dream within a dream.
Now she heralded by the growing winds of a storm
Just a hint of her favorite fragrance plays with me,
empty gutted feeling, makes me want to wake up
I don't pinch myself, or slap my face because I know
When I go to sleep she comes,  Ink poured into water
Grows and spreads all around, tell theres only grey everywhere
Time again to relive the loss, for the millionth time
It isn't as if she screams, or says hurtful things to me
She looks down on me, and the eyes tell me everything
I'm a decent man, half addict, then equal halves of that...
half unmotivated, half useless waste of space

Something,  Someone;
Worthwhile,  Special
Above all undeserved
of negative intent, thought...
Action...  Had not wanted;
To hurt, to be assaulted.
I was relearning then
No simple task,  a decision
I wanted,  oh I did so dangerously.
Capablity in means of measure,
Fell short,  too little, too inconsistent.
So much,..  All there was to give.
I was unpracticed, crude
I had not wanted whats become
Torn apart, insulted, in pieces
For fear of worse I go
With regretful heavy heart
It is for the best

Had not wanted for you
But for you to be happy
Be happy love,
Please know...
I never meant to hurt
or cause you harm.  
I really did love you.  
You should too.

Our Legacy is created when she,
Welcomes me then,
accepts me, letting me in.
Into the palace of all beings.
Where she, then,
Bathes me,
in a wonderful warmth
And she, loves me, she,
Makes me feel amazing,
She is so special,
Makes me so very grateful.
I spill forth and I am let free.
A ritual becomes complete
When she, then Following the pleasure,
She makes real now,
The very Proof to,
Everything, Legacies,
She creates this,
She is the way of things
Later it is felt,
and then later is seen,
She carries our future, she
Gives us our future,
Her gift is our treasure,
creation we will soon see.
Deeply beneath is the treasure,
She keeps safe, she carries,
A bid for kinds future,
she writes our next chapter,
One day she cries out,
She bleeds and provides all,
that ever should matter,
She births a Legacy,
A child arrives in laughter,
Made by her made by me
The way it’s always been.
Pray forever it shall be
As is the way to everything.
It is everything. Everything.
She is our Legacy.
With out her we won't be.
It is everything that matters,
Our Legacy, Comes from she.

to wonder where you are
contemplating, holding on,
if you only knew
reliving what's transpired
all there is left is silence

There she is,  with two of me
Yes,  two...
They are going to fight
Like they always do...
Will i be understanding?
Caring and gentle with my words?
Or will I bring more unwanted unstoppable, jagged hours of separation...
No calls, texts, off of the grid
that's close and adds fuel to her uneasiness, she doesn't need this
More than half sees and all of me hates
The waits I put her through.

Hold it gentle
      It is so frail
Mirrored, thin, weightless
      Reflections within
Those are fleeting
      Nearly empty
They are both
      false and true
Distorted
Clearly seen
but unrelieved
maneuver the view
The lesser moments
hold them close
though shifted out of focus
blend worlds new
variant versions too perfect
Value dearly the truth
and then you
come into focus
I never do
My lesser moments

I think I want to change

Feel that I am ready

Living as I have this way

Leaves me alone and empty

I think I need to change

How can I be myself

any other way than now

but it is said people change

I need help.

Simply Words
Mirror - like and well chosen
Leaving no doubt,
No quotation or wisdom
Immediate, closer,  then,..
Not.
The words will bring to light
Just the juicy Parts,  the secrets
Six, seven,..  More...  Meaningful
In so certain the delivery
The point emphasised and
embellished, properly placed
Anger where the most damage
Is borne of self loathing, laying
Hidden pitfalls,  rotten props
Simple words.

You remain.

Too long, even now,
Heavily against this heart.

It's, mine.  My own wanting

You.  Beautiful.

Even from this,
Such distance do you stay.
Like staring at light as it goes out.
The image, memory of a sight.

You.  Remain.  Even Now.

Difference is you never fade.
You. Remain.

I have this ability,
Inside,
Within my very being...
A Gift?..
Talent...
A Skill, Yes...
Worthy of Honing.
This, my craft
I've come to love.
But it is so much more,
Much more,.
You may call my way
However you believe it to be...
But I hold it's secret.
See it for what it is,..
and it is Amazing,
It is Ancient, and Limitless...
To me, the one that wields it,
this blessing?.. I see, incredible things.
I alone, my inner eye,..
Then of nothing, shall I create something,..
Seen til this moment,...
By me, and me alone.
Now, made real by my magic,..
Physical, Real,..
Mysterious spells, and enchantments cast
upon, into, over and through it.
imagination, emotion, heart and soul,..
Do you see?... Gaze upon my artwork...
Inside of you, and you, and me...
Strings, and I manipulate, maneuver, Agitate,..
I Soothe, I sympathize, I celebrate,...
Surrendering myself, entirely,
I make each piece,..
These spells are made of every color.
Potions stirred into impossible textures.
Subject matters,..
Please Judge.
Please Critique,
Please, please, pretend
to know my reasons,..
I see the awe
See the hidden wonder...
what state of mind must mine be indeed.
See the cloth that made me,
Makes everything!
I am destined,
I have heard my calling...
Bottom, to Top,..
Roots, up,...
In love with my calling.

With no words in the air
The one we don't know
The reason, and meaning
Our own hidden fear
Be then so well defined
Screams to surface
To paint a face of guilt
Even if there is no basis
Without words well spoken
Thought out, without menace
Empathy, caring and attention
Spoken to clear the fog
That words unspoken bathe in
And insecure fears do dine upon,
Our ties too thin, two lives destined
Will twist and bend, stretching
Until they are apart.

Another thought,..  Wonder what it was about?
This night's list goes on, and on, and what was I doing?
Oh, fixing to amaze, engross and... uh,... ADD anybody?
Humor is a weapon used by the first one to usually be hurt.
I've seen it, in the polished wall that has my face, my...
**** it all to somewhere constantly on track, focused, intended,
Thoughts that seed, bud to grow, flower as the motivation makes
use of the ability to foresee its own finalization

Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.

I cannot predict
What I will be.
I can only live
What I am.  -  George Belts?

□ Go upon an immediate realization
□ That a life with you is to learn to live with me
□ I don't am high for selfish reasons I hide, even if I know what it must be like,
□ Beaten up twice, sealed up too tight
□ All I'm failing to ask is,  I won't make it this third time baby
□ You can break me so much worse,
□ Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

Meaning just a fraction of my life lived without,  the purpose that you give me, cause you are just like a midnight sentence pardon and if only just accepted, didn't find out if I go up or I go down?

in the sunshine of midthought
flavors both sweet and bitter ****
the shipping inward memories of...
you.
idol hesitant, rough, resilient
resists an urge winking
if it were games, vacation hell Is not
to remember, to climb in time
today you've moved on
goodbye
always have those years
sometimes



I wish you were here
other wise I'm happy and others I could care less learning to love me for me I guess to open up now when I'm so hard to love my defenses allow if even partly on guard it's all or nothingso I give it another go and she damaged like me but beautiful and I know I love her I think I do but she doesn't know how to return it

Of you all that remains
30 Seconds
the results of one decision
the foundation erased
turned away, lost
given no way
keep mine cherished
Whittled down few holding
Taken as you turn away
the love is gone
turned away they start blurring
blinking my tears
it replays, floating
Your last few words
These are my few
30 Seconds of You

'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.

' will you try? '

O'  to describe, that silence...

Put in words, that look...
found behind proud eyes,  

As a man of greatness stared,
quietly into the distance.
To the cushion of memory
As it truly Curbs the bite
And burning acceptance,
failing,  if it be so easy?

It certainly startled, that rabbit...
Feels it i'I've never known the right words.'
Says the man.

'But,  I have so eagerly waited? '
My voice doing little to hide my hurt.
' will you try? '

O'  to describe that silence...
Put in words that look...
found behind proud eyes,  
As a man of greatness stared,
Into distance, was lost
And that startled rabbit
Feels it wrongly is hunted.
What words could one say?
To fall so completely,
Board eyes such as mines hunted.
What words could one say?
To fall so completely,
Board eyes such as mine

You can make me look
You made me look
I will not lie or refuse you
Do need,  do you want me to?
So certain aren't you?
So make me look at you.
I will,  but one thing before you do.
It might be just this once.
I could learn this trick if I do
And if I do,  I'll steal it from you
You'll never hold this gaze again
Will have to stare at me hoping
I choose to look back at you
You won't blink,  if you do...
Now this could mean I never do
Honestly,  I've seen my share of you
The ones that feed off of the needs
Of those willing, or too clueless
To only need or ask or force another
Though they may be the one
Afraid to blink and only wishing
Fully intending to take from then forget

when i slip off into... sleep
                           she pours in and over, throughout
ink in water.

Lost outside,
the inner most feelings,
Of the heart,
As is it's nature,
I want what it wants,
Unable to forget,
What once was, now not,
Lost outside,
her hearts warmth.
The life I leave on the other side,
a door, shut, locked tight...
the hardest part,
of hiding,.. always hiding.
My self,.. my sin,.. my sickness,..
and it is, mine.
This is addiction,..
keeps secrets, steals away,..
the love and all joy.
Neatly swept away,..
All things worthy,
Every good thing,...
Keeps from me,..
outside,.. away,.. always.
I,.. stay,.. stay
wanting, what's on both sides
though one is all that finds me
the fullness of my attentions.
Safely,.. Rightly,..Denied Me.
Locked Away..

Once I let someone into
my very small circle
The chosen few I choose
Then do I feel and understand
On unspoken levels
They the very small circle
A part of you are not
No... You are with me
Dancing around
directly in the middle.

I guess the madman
have calculated urges
disturbing angles
and unknown destination
exponential compromises
are words unsaid.
leaving leads to a labyrinth
full of unwanted things there
are the sounds you hear
of your own heart beating
that then seems to echo out
and fall to pieces
imposing places of
contemplation seeking direction
and comforting
they're all of the skills
They are barred
with in Wheeling, Broken,
and imperfect scars
scars that speak
in voices without tongues
They fluently create the lies
currency of  and for
causing discomfort as designed
glinches come at random
places that there is concern
that the illusions tell now,  cherished
and innocent versions all dressed up
False faces of who we are
feeding risky randomness
auditions held for the part of grown up obsession over
the past happy to give
flawless proof of lives In motion
not punching like creatures
Vultures circling over poisoned enclosures
those explorers so eagerly lost
create what happens
and I recognize the patterns
and the direction entices them
the misunderstood
They,  the lacking
the admiration leaching from the dependent
alien reasons for force
human consumption
we want so we approach
imagining admiration
as the fake see clearly
This comes along empty and fruitless weeping on road
they twist and turn to our destination listen for proof
Find strangeness from the terrified smiling as reflex is often fun to witness
Life is a marketing bonanza
Fretted upon by the aged
and confusing the greater purpose
It is unflattering
The images are set on dancing
in dream- like exuberance
But for our Commercial grade lifestyles worn out just as the next latest arrived motion that spurs ordinary
traditions are lessees and should lead
follow behind today showing.
direction and dramatic pauses
decisions create ruined morals
floating on an endless breeze
they are carried past the gate
seemingly entitled
as if born there and welcome
Off is the practiced flaws
missing is the counter balance
confrontation unspoken is kin to action anger is without conscience
mistakes have been made.
deception is practiced,  perfect.

In the end there is always Me
That man that stokes a dwindling flame
huddled over, in sheets of water
The end is always the same
I am that man against,
Tending steadfast
Stoking the lost cause
To keep a fire in the rain.

You hold fate's attention
  one day coming,
    one day leaves.
One plays
   another one,  gone
     one at a time
       one day
          another
today is tomorrow
   one day later
and today will come

And the angel said
you must have had a dream
and you remembered it
till the dream followed through
till the end,
till the dream came true

when I want something,  I get it.

and you'll remember that,  won't you.

I was to take a few minutes now, to aim my words much more specific this night.  to those that know and use and share their own views and emotions on this site, I must offer to you my deepest thanks for listening to my rantings.  I know very few actually come across as more than gibberish and the fact that there are others that took the time, read my rabble and even at times shared it with others, to those few I thank you from the deepest, most shocked, insecure recesses of my introvert heart.  you make me want to share,, and put it out there.  all the things that haunt, empower, surprise, and annihilate me.  thank you for taking the time.