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298 · Mar 2021
So Much I'd Like
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
There truly is,
so much I'd like to say to you.

But when I speak,
I lose the words.

Do not actions?
Pronounce loudly?

I bid you please,
wait.

Watch, as for you
I build a world.

Listen to your heart,
The truth of those intentions.

Because there is truly,
So much I'd like to say to you.

Let me show you.
298 · Jul 2014
to all of the readers now
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
I was to take a few minutes now, to aim my words much more specific this night.  to those that know and use and share their own views and emotions on this site, I must offer to you my deepest thanks for listening to my rantings.  I know very few actually come across as more than gibberish and the fact that there are others that took the time, read my rabble and even at times shared it with others, to those few I thank you from the deepest, most shocked, insecure recesses of my introvert heart.  you make me want to share,, and put it out there.  all the things that haunt, empower, surprise, and annihilate me.  thank you for taking the time.
just a moment of thanks to those that have taken the time to read my writings.  it means a lot
297 · Dec 2014
T H R I V E
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2014
To joke around,
Oh,..  I don't know...
How do you?
Any day,  
Any night,
This broken globe might,
Recoil back down on itself.
And the world we know,
Will only be available
When around the campfire.
When we take turns
Spinning impossible tales,
To those to new,  to little,
Innocent and too late
To know, to have lived
Once in a world without having
Passing on, how to go on with so little
Where to find another meal.
The trick to calling fire,
Who to help and those that take
All about arrows and bows,
Firing guns and survival.

You mess around now,
So secure, so very very sure,
That this might be folly
What day you when the works of man
And power falls to those with knowledge and expertise at thriving
Will they, well will I,..
Help those,  like you?
297 · Oct 2013
"What I See"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Funny what I choose...
Only what I want to see
Only my faults
Only shortcomings
Only what is lost
Only things not coming
Only taking from me
Only unprepared
Only unwanted
Only the dearest of things
Only living Only the motions
Only despair
Only me knowing
Only I am forgotten
Only me.
297 · Jun 2014
Another Sense of New
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2014
Lighting my way, this the New
brought from hidden reaches
to be good, to feel good
And She, She is another wonder
One that makes me smile,
Catches the eyes,
Her voice like cherubs cries
to touch is to be renewed
another sense of new
There is me, this guy,
the type to quietly Die inside
this loss is familiar
but you promise, you do,
remember? I do.
blah... Out of practice....  work n progress
296 · Feb 2014
Daylight in the Night
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2014
Once I tried, lost twice
thus two times too many
witnessed just one lie
with that all fell down,
apart, away, like you and I
front row, eyes wide knowing
A memory still lives
and there I still see you
I hear you, those wicked promises
Don't like the way they echo
endless, in life, without
How must it be to feel nothing
numb throughout, No joy, No sorrow
only tired of my voice,  of crying
so you chose, and here the result
The broken version of what else
Daylight in the night, dreams, decisions
real, yet, cast no seen shadows
only burn the outlines into eyes
found open, left blind and shut tight
once I tried, and once... once...
Out of thoughts, out of words to discribe
daylight in the night,  outlines
saying goodbye and knowing the result
work in progresss
294 · Nov 2014
In the Distance
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
she may be,
off in the distance.

that thin line
where heaven tickles earth.

off and Beyond
like

the Setting Sun
how far

she will never tell me
and the place giving reason
to step many

taken
more each day to take in
just one direction
upon her name it is
I follow her Stone Road
294 · Nov 2014
A Life Lived Right
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
A heart's patina
Or not...
to look At the end
a lifetime
to those or this
the road
To be first
see the fleeting moments
will be lost
my own design
time To meet you
You might know
that I lived
Foolish ambition
At my last of lasts
childish panic
disbelief my life  
The ending
To me
Is looking back
Such as we have to
My deeds
All I have been
much more than
A little more
Ownership over these
disagreeable scenes
When at last
a good idea
of a life lived right
292 · Jan 2015
Some Day in the Future
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2015
Turning any direction
Though knowing,
None do hold Avenue
Nor bliss, just reflections
Infrequent Glimpses of then
Familiar fragrances on the wind
Bitter recollections,
Irreconcilable differences,
Heartbreak,
Changes...
You, in every direction.
You echo over and over
From far away places
Forever which replay
Images of you,  from then
Such is memory
Easier these days
So far off those moments
That still surface
To be replaced sometime
Some day in the future.
Unfinished rough draft
292 · Nov 2014
As I Let You Be
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Upon imaginary wings,
Three beats beneath
Creation's favor
As lovely as You are
Truest green, your eyes,
Armoring
the secrets,
unique reasons
Your smile, isn't for me
As lovely as I let you be
As lovely as I allow
Given wings.
You above, Me?,.
Behind, beneath.
these eyes for once
See what I can find.
what needs belief
I believe,
because its you.
you can be something.
little or as grand,
As I want from you.
Someone pure.
Unique to a world,
offered up.
To You,
your beautiful face.
As I gaze up
to you,
my new heaven.
As lovely as I will never be,
As lovely as I Let you be.
I see her in ways she doesn't
291 · Feb 2021
Master Plan
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2021
I plan to write every whim
Good or bad?  Matters not.

All according to my prolifically
Ingenious, master plan

Pour forth all I felt, know
Ponder, reflect or celebrate in

Constant... Constant... Good or rubage?

At least when I'm done there will be...
Quite literally, a mess
of my life,
my views,
My loves and trials,
my time,
My desires
so fickle, faded
But plenty by which to
Say I lived.
288 · May 2015
a World Of Less And Less
Jack R Fehlmann May 2015
in love with going on,
Moving moments i barter,
to remember little pieces
ones that matter
most lay open
there is a lesson in this
a world of less and less,
for all I own there
is no reservation in heaven
friends, unfamiliar faces
I know within,  without,
With all I have not
a way in which to express
The numbness and unnoticed
There is there
In a world of less and less
really really really really quickly written
288 · Nov 2015
All Things Followed
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2015
Preface, the time in life
before I ever knew
comprehending these people
Who I was, wasn't, just motions
A whisper of grey shade
In a uniformly ordinary world
Living was to be breathing
No attention, motivation, desire
Just another waste of existence
The day since passed
The pinning moment you befell
Alluring all things for reasons
This is me now, willing, able
Determined and deeply in love
All things have reason, purpose,
Desire in living, seeing a future
All things followed you.
288 · Jan 2014
You... And I See It
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
You, in this world
of lesser interests
muted colors,
polluted bases
Of gray, safe neutral shades
Then there comes You...
Change, dramatic and effective
This, your pallet
bright and vivid
Now beautiful, fragrant
to eyes, mine
I devote time in wonder
To You, and your ways
Your world, shared
Both from as well as for You
But for me,
As I see You
287 · Oct 2014
Slow Suicide
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2014
After you I guess I'll end it...
Breath by breath
A slow, yet certain end,..
Slow suicide
I'll use tabacco...
286 · Oct 2014
waiting for what
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2014
your blood representation, of a familiar design,
maybe equally as essential, as the clever use of smoke and hidden mirrors,
mislead you through the way it works comedy action catches you in awe.
and as the last act unfolds,
Its the ending you are really looking for.
282 · Nov 2015
Fall Away Days
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2015
Fall Away days

swallowing change after change

for we're both still here



you're just so far away
280 · May 2021
Sailing this Vessel
Jack R Fehlmann May 2021
Lower... And still lower yet.  
Be it a paradise, or to the deeps
This is my vessel.  And she will carry me
To the deeps or across to the welcome
To the bottom or to the harbor once more
The Captn stays with his charge
Even as the waters tear them apart.
278 · Apr 2014
That Side of Leaving
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
The Other Side of Leaving

Never had it that way...
Never felt that side of leaving.
Haven't heard pain,
Never heard pleading
for me to please,
please not leave...
Baby please stay...
Haven't made the choice to stop feeling...
On the other side of leaving
its always been me on the damaged end
Not to be, must be something.
Or is it more difficult?
How would I explain?
When I don't fully understand...
Hearts change?
Could I let you down just to walk away?
All while knowing...
Having myself felt that pain,..
I've never had it that way.
The other side of leaving
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2014
Thirty-seven trips now,  
Around the Sun...
Still,..  I am found wanting.
True in form and practice,
To my line,  my heritage...
The Lost,  or,  the Missing,..
The Ones Lacking,..  Or Off.
The day of naming did too find us.
Difficult,  hard to be certain of,
My line was to be rated and unwelcomed.
Undefined yet equally undiminished,
Our ways far too confusing,
Unconforming,  unlike my shoes
To this,  Her stone road.
Stretching out and on
To meet with the earth and the sky.
The birthing grounds of tomorrows,
And that realm of possibilities
made maybe's.
In one direction
do his strides consume
distance measured in footstep
After unwavering footstep.
The man called Lost,
His line the misplaced,  unwell
Insane,  or simply the missing.
Follows the road as roads promise,
Direction,  reasons to push on,
Whispering rewards,  her smile,  her acceptance.
This man known as wanting,  fits the definition
For only rarely is this the way of his name...
This is the road,  it's stones
Fit face to face onward,  
Endless,  and as uncountable
Are they,  as are his questions
What if he cannot be found?
Forever out of place,  unknown,..
Lost to her beautiful eyes,
  or the radiant waves
Each of her smiles creates?  
Could this road lead this man,
From nowhere,  of nothing
To an end just as unwelcome?

This man that answers to the far off,
That knows the distant,  the different...
She owes this road,  placed each stone...
The toll must be hers,  alone
And a test that one must satisfy,
To earn the trust,  to claim such reward
As to be known,  to be welcomed,  to be loved
To be found perfect,
And to be wanted,  for being different.
so be gentle it is still a work in progress so be gentle it is still a work in progress
273 · Sep 2016
Figment Unseen
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2016
I have struggled
Words fail where hurt threatens inspiration.
See I'm without you baby
It fell apart and the teeth came out
Caught barely of guard
Entirely confused though
See I really thought we had it good
Stupid as I can be about letting you know or investing efforts too late
Baby, you're gone.
273 · Sep 2018
Could Be. Poor Me.
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
Eyes seem less caught by
My own though constant desires
Variables could not deduce
Could be its me? Changed
As all before and all around
Less youthful and wanted
Grey hair and lines meeting corners
Of my eyes i view the world with
Poor me.  I had so many choices
I thought betrer was coming
I thought not rush give it time
I did with ignorant youthful abandon
more and more
As it went by only as fast
as the day
The month
The years... Years....
Looking half heartedly
Being picky and choosing rarely
Giving too much to the ones chosen
What if the one
My ever after better half
Walked by or one of them was the one
And i foolishly did little to try?
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
in the future we will... I promise
seeking control in chaotic times
close we hold the hardest parts
denying the wind rides endless
that rumors ride Amongst night
her breath, leaving pleasantness
scenes so genuine in their fictions
fighting whispers as the hunt and haunt
alarming the quickness ones name
rhythm and random design, brilliant
blame consumes and never plays fair
so much for champions and ever after
daybreak of one's life is bitter and unfair
to learn that you're hardly ever right
only a price that is layered, leaning
combining to the pile around it all
madmen urge us to repent before we fall
smaller and smaller we begin to feel
as indeed we are, little less than nothing
time collects all, and everything else forgets
268 · Jun 2015
This head I'm in
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2015
no protection  if  unwanted wants,
My head  appreciates numb moments
in time as all shall, passes
This personal hell felt.
Lights and sounds feel focused
Aimed true, rare are close calls.
Near misses none tooFrequent
these siege like afflictions.
To sum my remedy,
my blissful Leave,
to be, know,
No more episodes
agony within.
Contentment, and more time
in which colors, laughter, living exist.
No pain Fills This mind,
I can take part in,  miss less,
Hurt less.


A perfect day is...
Free of cadence,
No commitment to agony.
Too true, my remedy numbs,
completely, when dedicated.
To be is to take part,
costs one's importance's
time, cherished connections.
265 · Sep 2018
Caught up in the Missing
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
Caught Up In The Missing
caught up in the missing

all of the little things

the way that morning treated you

and every conversation

laughter, and that smile

those eyes, the lies

the closeness that i used to feel

your sweet, soft breath matching mine

the way you said my name sometimes

the time that went by to quickly

I even find myself holding out for you

caught up in the missing

it is hard to want anything

having had all that you wanted

and I did I cherished it

never took for granted

all the little things, your soft kisses

the promises and compromises

Every problem we ever faced

getting rent paid,

every goal we set and reached

the future you said that you wanted

caught up in missing

the way you changed

how you chose to leave

the ending and why it happened

the things I shoul've said

caught up in missing
265 · Nov 2014
normal,... Me?,.
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
all of the worst
in me
all I see today
the secret,
the fantasies
I don't want to own them
why am I this way
will I ever change,  
oh to be
normal,...  ME,...
264 · Jun 2016
Parts of Me I Wonder
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2016
If they will ever know me?
How could they live me?
Parts of Me I wonder
263 · Jul 2014
Silly suicidal fish
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
if the little fish escapes the bowl
passing from one existance to the next
is he in fishy limbo, or heaven
when you think about it,
it was suicide by suffocation!
if you ask me,..  I couldn't give an answer
see I'm not a fish,
but I'll be sure to ask him
262 · Oct 2013
Always Like This
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Lovely woman needs assistance
Shot up a flare
in a moment of duress
It's always like this,
it's always like this...

A man and his defences
Sees the light in the night
he changes direction
approaches, unknowing,
Its always like this...
Its always like this.

The man, his good intentions,
they ain't ready
but hoping he can help...
because he finds her
and she is so pretty,
She leads him,
and stings him
the way she teases,
Its always like this...
its always like this.

She can make him wonder,
he wants to read her
and to have her
She won't let him,
he can't touch...
she tempts, and pulls away
Its always like this...
its always like this.

She manipulates
using her smile,
she walks with purpose
and extra hip motion
She flirts and winks
but he's catching on
he's on the outside,
scratching the surface,
Its always like this...

its always like this.
262 · Apr 2014
Cannot Move You
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2014
You,... know who You are
And still I cannot move you...
As if the sum of this is nothing...
All of these dreams
Supporting just the one...
So many words written
To move o my the One
Outside this fraction of another...
Just pleading to be whole.
A gift, a promise, one for another...
From this one sided vision
Is it too unique for You to want it?
Does it matter I care
This is forever as promised...
And yet that as a thought
Truly moves only me.
Alone with my thoughts
Now that my words
cannot move you
261 · Dec 2021
From Heaven
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2021
A shadow hides beneath
at the zenith as it reaches
the smallest projection
of how the gods must view me.
260 · Jan 2014
Only Going,... One Day
Jack R Fehlmann Jan 2014
only goes it's one way
only goes,.. only goes,..
so pointless the routine

only goes,.. Only goes,..
never wanders, only goes,..
never strays,.. pointless,..

Only goes...
Going... always going,.. Away.
towards something,

only goes,..

Until it breaks...
This pointless thing...

never knows,..

What is waiting,..
Never goes, away,..

Never coming,..

only knows, it is not okay...
only knows, there is an end...

and the routine,...

Only knows,.. of not knowing,..
going only the one way...

until only one day,..

Only the end...
And then going

"Only going"
By:(jfehlmann
259 · Oct 2013
Eyes Like Mine
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
"EYES JUST LIKE MINE"

Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears,
Just on the other side,
of the bathroom mirror.

Eye to eye weeping,
expressing the need to be,
To feel, to see,
Eyes just like mine,
Sharing tears.
258 · Jun 2021
Escape
Jack R Fehlmann Jun 2021
So miniscule,

This,

Is the glinting pride

Enveloped in embarrassing.

When listening,

To words too gentle

This shell too trembles

In a desperate need

Watching this man

Try to escape

Casting out humble thanks

Two feet

that know the fastest

Route to less praise

Back to the jagged

Familiarity if self loathing

Where all I know

Do,

Is only good enough

For another escape
255 · Sep 2018
Resting
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2018
Do you know why?

I am resting here, beneath

You can confess it dearest
In hushed whisper if you must...

Then be at last free to forget
As I will not
don't worry love

Forever and longer I will be keeper

As if written on Granite
polished, unmoving and lasting
Placed lovingly in its place...

Resting

Above yet under my watch

Where the lost are patiently aware
Of thoughts, and waiting
To be visited, thought of, remembered

Ready to catch and cherish those tears

Resting...
Why am I here?

Do you know why?

Resting.
251 · Apr 2017
All it was
Jack R Fehlmann Apr 2017
Love
Was all it was.

All it is.
When too too often
I
The hardest choice
An awful decision

The reason.
250 · Feb 2014
Even If & Ever After
Jack R Fehlmann Feb 2014
Even If & Ever After

Even if...
we don't last.
I know I will,
love you
Clear through,..
ever after.
Even after,
ever isn't in you.
I know this
about myself,
even if...
I struggle to understand
my gift, curse,...
the way
of my nature.  
Ever after...
with or with out...
My thoughts are on you.
247 · Nov 2014
worth This Life I've Wasted
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Honestly, I have never been destined for any sort of greatness.
I've always been a dreamer.
Chased nothing
nothing worth a life
like this one I've wasted.
247 · Oct 2013
Of My Own Design
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
One day will change the way
I see my world, my fate and my hurt
Come to new terms
And eyes that try, as hard as mine
Suddenly find Me,
No more hiding, denying
Trying to protect,
the little I thought I had left
When inside is all that was needed
the right light
I find it though
in those eyes
welcoming,
hearts sacred sunshine.
Emotionally climbing, out
of these walls
The ones of my own design.
247 · Sep 2015
Everything else
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2015
When I may,
Weightless,
Devote my all
velvet - like,  
Oblivious
Tangerine, Mars black,
On  a blue twilight
Expresses true feelings
Inner workings,
All ME!
ME ME ME!..
Not this world,
This throw away love
Each soul a benevolent
Yet broken, ignorant
Programed to slave
Waste, live in now
Forget everything else
246 · Dec 2021
Beneath Could Be
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2021
Cold floor; Dark room prison
So trying the mind can be.
Open door; yet I remain
Nearly motionless; a stone.
Bathed in shades of shadow.
Contemplating the right way
If I can be; If I am willing
Staring at the floor unfocused
Could the answer be beneath
Buried; Hidden
Safe?
Could Be...
245 · Nov 2014
Maybe
Jack R Fehlmann Nov 2014
Feelings
             held
                     deeply
                                inside.
                                            Maybe?
I
will find
               something?
                                    Maybe?
I
will
        think
                  better?
                               Maybe?
I
choose
              rather
                          to
                              hide.
                                        Maybe.
244 · Oct 2013
"In This Silly Little Pool"
Jack R Fehlmann Oct 2013
Silly little tides,
in a funny little pool,
I'm at my end,
Drowning to get to you.
243 · Mar 2021
Tainted. Yet, Tempting
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
To wrap my lips around that tongue of gold

I bet it tastes better than rainbows dipped in Mmmm-hmmm-sauce.  Hot. Or cold.

Oh, to press this subject until it penetrates that
Generous all but me libido.  

My eyes would gush if those tears didn't evaporate so quickly.
239 · Dec 2021
I Will Always
Jack R Fehlmann Dec 2021
No need is there
For you, fear not
I will not judge,
could never not
love with the entirety
of a father's heart.
No secret is required.
You'll never be any less
to the eyes that know you
as do those of mine.
I love, will love, always
No matter will sway this.
Know that no need be there
To not be true, to yourself
because I raised you to be
To me, you're nothing less
than perfect.  
Believe this.
234 · Dec 2021
Rejection Sensitive
233 · Mar 2021
Almost Knew You
Jack R Fehlmann Mar 2021
And to think, I was close
So very near, the then keeper
Felt the whisp of momentary love
Lived the longed after too real
Witnessed what difference there becomes
Appreciated too little much too late
Learned to breathe facing the wind
Laughter sprinkling goofy grins
Engaged limited matters of patterns
Felt foolish to erase the moment
To have belief and have it stolen
Pulled out from beneath as sudden
Realized too my numbed expression
Almost Knew you until I didn't
233 · Jul 2014
whatever this dose gives me
Jack R Fehlmann Jul 2014
Click!.. And enhance quickly there after
when puddles cracked and broken
melting, tingging the air with addiction
breathe it in deeply this my motivation
long lost and nearly forgotten
longed for, sought after, bartered and traded
the motivation and the woes we will cause
this time, day or night no longer matter
I fly, and believe again, and create and try
this time and every time before desire burned brightly
to be up again, to contribute, to create and try
seeing again reasons to want these things
busy doing all and everything it let's me
whatever this does gives me this time
232 · Sep 2021
Detached Feelings
Jack R Fehlmann Sep 2021
It is all I have and it won't do
Presently just a mast and myself
Bailing with detached Feelings
As the vessel slips from view.
The blue waters represent the demands
The weight of the responsibility
My expression is out of place
Instead of determination and despairation
I'm staring off, hugging the mast
One hand bailing to pour right back to the sea.  
The mast slowly slipping from grasp,
Me, failing to save a sinking ship, myself or even to stay true to the bottom.
What is wrong with me?  I need to correct these detached Feelings before everything, me, everything comes to ruined.
231 · May 2020
Loving Without Having Loved
Jack R Fehlmann May 2020
A lot of this rotten ending
Is at its core, mine, my fault.
I know it now, as i then could not
See it for an awful, unfortunate
Though those words fail,
Falling short of all I cost, us.
So much, too much for a choice
One, miscalculation of an emotion
Keystone in importance, it was
To lie or act falsely I was not
I could not, because I was in love
With one like I never knew
Love was abundant, cherished
More so than I held for life itself
Therein lays the real reason, love
I chose to love you with all I had
Every last fraction of myself
I gave freely, I wanted for you to have
Every bit of how I was feeling
The thrill and the beating chest
Ache that made life worth living
My mistake came as consequence
The cause and effect,
I wish I had seen this, I didn't
Known before one can give,
So very much, one must have
Accepted the equal amount
Not from another, from oneself
I never learned how to, or the importance, see?
to love you, came natural easy, but
Having never loved myself.
And for this, to us
I say I am so, so, very sorry.
That this part of
Of this, of then, of us
what was, and isn't
Was my fault.  
Now loving myself
Us far more difficult
It begins with forgiving
That is where I am now.
My lack of self worth made us doomed from the start.  I see this now.  I am sorry you were hurt.  Love yourself baby as you need to and maybe one-day forgive all I caused.
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