I write about every person who enters my life

thats why I never find closure
so I'm stuck in this infinite loop
of love and depression

the only two options I have left
is to stop living
or stop writing

but I live because I write and I write because I live

Darkness comes in, even on the brightest of days
It was a Friday for me
I remember waking up really happy, like nothing can break me that day
I was wrong
It took about 2 hours for it to find me
And once it did, it held on tight
It never let's me breathe anymore, or even smile, not even for a little while
I used to be able to snap out of it, I used to be able to take control
I see life moving all around me but I can't seem to understand it anymore, I can't seem to grab hold of it anymore
I look in the mirror and I don't know who she is anymore
When the darkness comes in, it takes over
This time is different I don't feel it leaving anytime soon
It's here.

You're happy, really happy
It took .5 seconds for that happiness to disappear and here comes the sadness, the fear, the guilt
You were doing things right, not all the way right, but you were getting there
Now the darkness has come
It barried a hole in your chest and never wants to leave
It talks to you, tells you, this is it, this is what you're here for
She's never leaving, never shutting up. Never
A lot can happen with a phone call, but you never expected this
You never expected to fall apart. Again
"it'll get better" they say
It doesn't feel like it will
I'm just sad all the time Noland it won't ******* go away!

I’m a civilized individual, I must admit,
Caved inside a privileged home where I
Live in solace; it’s hard
To complain about anything else
Living isn’t the same as living, and it pains me
Each day is never like the next
It took me years to hit my lowest, and somehow
I still function with this empty gas tank of motivation—
I’m the true face of an unwanted miracle.

I feel like Jimi Hendrix at his lowest,
After his high during Woodstock
I live in a world where expression
Is laughed at, casted off as batshit crazy—
Maybe this slump of mine is the great art project
That Andy Warhol never got to craft
Of course, he would never give this mess
The time of day; no one wants to see
A car crash of lost innocence
I should be out on a football field, people say,
Acting as defense, yet I can’t
Even defend my internal suffering
Life’s a ***** with those kind of things
To cover up and protect other people’s ugliness.


I would never want to do that; I’d rather slowly
**** myself ten feet away from a computer screen,
Reading the ****** judgements of the world
And understanding that I’m not the only one
Living a life of regrets and decisions.

Oh yes, life is a *****—
But it’s the most interesting ***** you’ll ever meet.

If you knew who I really was would you still love me?
Would you still want to be my friend?
If you knew how I felt everyday would you leave me alone?
Or would you still think I'm OK?
If I let you in my head would you still think I love this life
If you really knew me, would you still call me your friend?
Would you still want me?
If you knew what I want to do would you still leave me alone?
I don't think you would
I think if you knew you would walk away
You would leave.....

Is there any redemption for this?
When will you forgive me?
Why won't you stop throwing this fire in my face?
When will this ******* fire burn out?

A void frame holds together Black Mountainous clouds weighing heavy on the sky, fearing an inescapable storm. The land below, no longer recognizable for shadows have rained from the absence, eroding the clarity of which once stood firm.
Still fresh and raw, the painter stops. His garrisoned red eyes entrench the being of his grotesque creation and with lost hope takes his final brushstroke. The brush, with nothing more to give, lifts an unsubstantial bit paint off of the canvas. Leaving what appears to be, a negative silhouette. The white void of a butterfly.

Take a deep breath,
Choke back a sob,
Remind myself
That im strong

On days when it isnt enough,
I let a tear slip,
Count to ten,
And breath in again..