silk, lace, im a disgrace.
bruised arms
he said i was
a charm.
drink and drink
until i can't blink.
run to the toilet and puke
i told them it was the flu
kicked and shoved
but i said i was in love
"you're a ****"
its only just a cut
tear stained jeans
tell me its just a dream
welcome to being fifteen

in the fall was the first time i saw
your big brown eyes. your hair
was the colour of the leaves falling
from the trees. i didn't think much about
how often you texted me or how you would
follow me out into the halls.

your hands were always so cold when the
snow started to fall, and your lips were so chapped
it looked like you've been biting them for a week.
and as the snow started to fall, so did i

your kiss was as refreshing as the spring morning
when the fog filled the air with dew on the grass. i told
you that i hurt myself before you came along and how i planned
to stop. i wonder if he kissed me because he felt bad.

the summer was as lonely as hell. you went away to
you dads and i don't think you remembered what my
lips tasted like when you got drunk with your other friends at camp.

you came back in september and welcomed me into your pale
skinny arms that were so comforting. i wonder if you even missed me.

and now its winter again and your heart is turning cold
just like the snowflakes landing on your eyelashes and
sometimes i don't know if we will make it but i keep holding
your hand so tight, you won't be able to let go. but maybe your heart will

please stop romancing cutting,
depression, eating disorders,
anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
those things are not beautiful.

it is not beautiful waking up
every morning wishing you
weren't here.

it is not beautiful having to wear
long sleeves in the summer to
cover up the scars on your arms.

it is not beautiful throwing up
in the toilet just so you don't
gain another pound.

it is not beautiful missing school
for a month just because you
couldn't drag yourself out of bed
to see daylight.

but you can be beautiful with
cuts and scars all over your body.

and you can be beautiful even though
you aren't too happy about your weight.

oh, and you're still beautiful if you haven't
socialized with people for a couple weeks.

and you're still beautiful even though you
blew out your 16th birthday candles wishing
you were dead.

you're beautiful, but the things that you have done to
your body aren't.

and maybe if i kissed you a little bit harder,
held your hand a little bit tighter,
hugged you a little bit softer,
told you i loved you a little bit more often,
maybe you would have stayed a little bit longer.

and not even months
of therapy
and kind words
and all medication to numb
my brain,
will mend the hole in my heart.

maybe i like the way he makes me feel wanted and worthless at the same time. maybe i like the way he breaks my heart but stitches it back together with his kisses. maybe i like the way he never calls me beautiful, but the way he looks at me when i enter the room sends chills down my spine letting me know he thinks so. maybe i like the way he sends me home crying until 4 in the morning and texts me telling me he loves me two hours later. and maybe, just maybe i like the way he hurts me. maybe i put up with all of this because i'm just too scared to loose him.

i have not seen you for three ******* days,
yet it seems like its been a year.
i dream about you every night,
and the things i worry most about.
i saw you in my dreams,
kissing a girl who was not me.
you moved away with your father,
and i spent the rest of my life searching for you.
i have not seen you for three days,
and it feels like hell.
i have always had separation anxiety
ever since i was 4.
i guess ever since i was little, i've been making homes
out of people,
that would never stay very long.
maybe there is some satisfaction
in breaking my own heart.