All these wrinkles on my face
Just in case you haven't guessed
Are laugh lines that I've placed there
So you don't see the many tears

Cause if I didn't laugh I'd cry
At the signs of the times
That's why you find these tears I hide
Behind all of these laugh lines

I'm looking for a Christmas miracle
This year like no other
That we will see each and every need
And reach out to one another

That every woman and man throughout the land
Will set aside their differences
And shut their mouths long enough to find out
More is learned from the art of listening

That we hold out our hands to whomever we can
No matter race, creed, or color
Hoping to find the value in life
All of us being sisters and brothers

May we open our eyes and ears to the cries
Of the ones that truly need us
Learn it's best to give than take what others have
A righteous step in the direction of freedom

This year I'm looking for a Christmas miracle
One that will last us a lifetime
Where we see the real reason for this joyous season
Gods love through his son poured out over mankind

Unfamiliar feelings
        Heart dropping
Gut wrenching
        Deep breathing
Blood pumping
       Stomach twisting
Body tingling
        Love flowing
Mind racing
      Sparks flying


           How YOU make me feel
    From the first kiss
                And to today
         Forever and always

I don't care if I ever live valuable
As long as someone cries at my funeral

Finality is becoming more palpable
With every moment left becoming so pitiful

There's no longer incentive to create
When you feel like will has been replaced

Do you want to die, five days after you retire?
Or live to mire, a hedonistic empire

A week is too long to go without human contact
Or so someone thinks
I'm not human, and I never signed your contract
Life is lived on the brink

I hear people go crazy, start hearing voices
I hear they got old folks on lithium
Still hearing voices
In nursing homes

I swear, I'll die a kid
Severed from my interest
Reality is giving me chest pains
Everyone is getting heart attacks

Not so lucky, when you count down to fifty
****** up and missing
Any sort of point
A king of self doubt
Self crowned
Holed up in doorless cell
-------------------------------------
In my opinion, the point of suicide
Is a more accurate representation of a life lived
Than the funeral

I hope no one cries at my funeral

I'm feeling hesitant
To ever fall asleep
Again, let alone tonight

I can't stop wondering

This thing inside a hollow casing
That I call me
Begs for nothing
Nothing.....

I can't believe its almost four fifteen
And the sun is already glowing outside my window

I hate you and I just want to be alone....

Why can't I be alone

Its your fault I hate myself, I hate that you exist, get out of me
I don't want to live this

Four fifteen

Blazed in crimson over my digital alarm clock
I barely hear the noise, the thoughts crowding out of my  head

*******, I just want to be alone
Alone
Alone
Alone
Alone

****

I pry myself up
A headache unrealized blinds me for more than a second
Do I look in the mirror....

Seems like an easy choice, but I still choose wrong

My feet barely keep balance as I stumble over clutter
Things left to remind me of the lack of progression

Head pounding, blood crawling
Life at a standstill
---------
Smile
--------
Pass out on the couch, get up hours later
Missed my buss
****
Better just shoot myself

May, we meet again
with the cold air starts to creep in
and familiar feelings tried to settle in
i told him
"don't make me fall if you don't plan on catching me,
i may not survive the fall this time"
i get scared and this time it's contagious
something in me is breathless, a little lost, a little more alive than i was before
May,
may we meet again

I was a caterpillar ,
before I became a butterfly .
The pain I had to endure in order to transform into the beauty I am today .
This is my tale .

In the forest there was,
My cocoon wrapped in the finest silk,
With a power to live in a colorful world.
To dream and conquer goals.
A Vivacious soul spinning in the purest silk
Growing and maturing as I spun.
Wishing for freedom with my beautiful wings,
Counting the days to be free and soar
as a lively butterfly
until
You winded into my community
Lured my queen and her uneven monarch.
Tempted to sabotage my purity.
For that you,
Lured yourself into my vulernable cocoon
with that trust,
you decided to disrupt my process.
How can one man ruin my nesting site?
And I had faith in you ,
to be a figure
I never had.
I wanted.
My heart ached for it.
I needed it.
To be loved .
To be nurtured.
To never be like those stray dogs
looking for a home.
This was the moment .
Where....
Innocence stripped, heart captured.
My Freedom gone.
You were naive to comprehend
On what you were doing...
You would stab my cocoon
with your sickening poison .
Over and over you stabbed .
Ruptured the veins of my innocence .
To break my finest silk .
Purity banished.
Stabbing your poison was
Making my cocoon
useless ,
worthless ,
unwanted,
colorless,
I tried to run and I tried to scream
but I was devoured by this poison
It was the love I deserve.
Couldn't escape , numb to the pain
For every poison injected, I began to
Question God?
Where was he ?
when I shed out a tear of help.
Where was he?
when my cocoon was destroyed.
Was I loved God?
when I muffled help in your name.
I hated myself ,
I stay in my cocoon
afraid to see my future.
I wasn't going to be a beautiful butterfly
Battered Butterfly
My life seemed to be colorless
No one wants a battered butterfly
My life....
It seemed it had ended
when poison sunk onto my helpless body .
No one wants a battered butterfly
Imprisoned to these chains.
Being poisoned every night by different
Predators.
Oh God....
Those predators ...
Battered lifeless little butterfly
Was I ever loved in my nesting site?
But then again nobody loves a battered butterfly
How can I reach to heaven when
I was worthless.
Believed I was a vile *****.
Tricked into a poison of hell.
Battered Ugly Butterfly
***** Little butterfly.
There was no light in tunnel
There was no holes in my silk
To escape this poisonous nest.
Why?
Because I believe nobody wants save a battered butterfly
How can the man I trusted ruined me.
I thought you could be the one to complete my lovely monarch .
To complete the missing piece.
But you continued to misuse me.
To haunt me.
To barricade my heart
To own my soul
But one thing I can truly say
You never once won over me.
You never imprinted my change.
I endured your pain
That was a sign of God
To show me what strength I am capable of.
That was the light that I found,
You had no control to inflict pain anymore.
Because I became impervious to your pain.


I am a beautiful butterfly
reigning over my monarch
with no thought of you.
**That is my freedom