My heart-
It beats like a racing horse
My foot-
It taps and taps like it will never stop
My hand moves-
To the sound of its own drum

My soul-
It shakes like the trees shake against the wind
My body-
It moves of its own devotion
My mind-
It fills with thoughts like its running out of time

My body-
It moves with renewed energy
Energy ill use
To change the world

What i wish i did
Is let my hate not blind me
That i let you in
That i let you see the imperfection i have become
That i kept you near
So that way i could deal with the pain in my heart

What i wish i did
Was let you help me
Through the hell that was my past
Let you give me love
The love that you used to give me
And tell me almost everyday

What i did
Is i hurt you
Like the people before you
Like the chick before me
The love you gave me was starting to become a chore
I know it
I pushed you to the edge

what i did
Is i complained
But i never let you in truly
I never listened to your needs
Only mine was shared
But i would never let you help
And for that i am sorry

I would say sorry one hundred times
but I've already used it a million
The meaning, now destroyed
So know this
I know i cant take it back
But i will always wish
To get you back

But that's just a fairy tale that will never come true
I know it

Everyone has
An idea that
People are only
Measured by
How many scars they wear
But i don't see it

People think
Just because
People don't show their pain
They are incapable of feeling it at all
But i don't believe that

People think
Just because
Worse things happened to them
And the other person is unwilling to share what scared them
That they are faking it
But that's *******

Just because
You cant see it
You cant hear it
You haven't experienced it
Doesn't mean it doesn't exist

Why do we compare
Our scars
With others
When we
Can get better instead

Because comparing only pushes us one step backwards on the road to recovery

I have a question for you.
Do you think Im faking it?
I want to tell you how i feel
I want to do what you promised me i could do
I want to be truthful
But i can't
Because you have already put me down
And brushed me off as a "moody teenager"

I'm 18
About to be 19
Ill admit, i am young
But is that a reason to brush me off?
Is that a reason to not let me talk?
Is that a reason....
To deny my feelings?
To treat me like
I don't have a voice?

Is that a reason to make me feel
Like Im a bird
That had his wings torn off?
Is that a reason
To point out my stutter
To yell at me when Im trying to think of my next words carefully?
To yell at me
When i don't yell at you?

I already know that my words
Are not right.
They are not how i want them to be
They come out of my mouth
Like a monster of hatred
They stutter and they run
And they cause destruction
They cause me pain

Do you have to point out
That i act childish?
That i "over react"?
That Im a "drama queen"?
Because sometimes
I act more mature than you
And then i get bashed with profanities that you just wont let me say out loud

Can i remind you
Of the promise you made me
When i was in the psychiatric hospital?
A promise that i could tell you
When Ive hit my lowest point?
When Ive had enough?

Because Ive had enough
Of the name calling
Of the ******* arguments
Of ******* everything
But i can't tell you
Because i was getting better
And you would think I'm lying

And you, and everyone else in this family
Will join your hands
Put your differences aside
And scream out you version of motivation
But what you don't see
Is sometimes all i need

Is for someone to notice
How much i hold back my anger
When you let loose yours

Is for someone
To let me finish a sentence
Before they yell at me

For someone
To side with me
And not just with the adult in the situation

For you to ******* stop.

And listen
Before i do something
Something that my ****** up mind thinks will fix the situation
But will only make it worse
For those who i left behind