now i know that the closest thing to real love i’ve ever known
is the love i’ve given others—
i’ve been robbed
stripped, emptied out
yanked in every direction
while im crying out
“just let me love you, i want to love you
please just let me love you!”
heart in my hands while im on my knees crying out that i just want to love..
and be loved the way i love others
i’ve been played and toyed with
like im a souless human being
like i deserve the pain
as if the amount of love i give them isn’t the most intense, beautiful feeling my body has ever created—
now painful.
my heart has been ripped out of my chest
my heart...
they want to rob me
my beautiful treasure
but this robbery hurt the most
the most deceiving
the pain has never felt so unreal
so sickening....a raw pain
this confusion is overwhelming
this truth is excruciating
sick to my stomach, im disgusted
i want to wash it off
long, long showers
scrubbing the memories away
im bleeding
the pain is haunting me
the blood is him
i want the blood to stop
the puddle of red water, flooding me
stealing my peace in the shower
i fall apart
you did this to me...you lied to me
you hurt me, you uncovered a new type of pain in my body...
i’ve been robbed naked
left on the cold shower floor
sitting still, feeling lifeless.

-h.u

you were supposed to be different
we were supposed to build a home
warm and comfy
you were supposed to listen on my bad days
hug the pain away
my shoulder to cry on
while i love you like no other
we were supposed to create beautiful memories
a family
with beautiful kids that taught me more about myself
you were supposed to be there when i realized i was born to be a mother
share the moment when i realized my biggest fear was my calling
it was supposed to be you
the father of my kids
we were supposed to make it out
and live the life you promised me
you supposed to be different

my harsh friend
you’re scared to love
bitter to the idea
you come off heartless
i see deep cuts
but i know your heart craves it
it hurts deeply at times
allow yourself to love
although it seems painful
when it is flourishing the feeling is amazing..
romance may seem unnecessary to the real word, but love is comfort and warm to the heart
it sparks the soul, breathtaking
you will learn many new emotions
and grow new understandings
something you need
i love you
love always
-h.u

dead end people
you’ll try to satisfy them with all your love and support
but they’re trapped inside their own mind
fighting demons...
it’s impossible for them to be satisfied
but when the time comes... and it will... when they make you feel like you aren’t enough
you have to remember you were everything and more
this is on them
they’re being suffocated within
and you’re trying to hold onto baggage that isn’t yours
you will always find yourself empty with them
trying your best to prove something
when you should already know your worth
walk away
they can’t be your person
let them go
-h.u

your smile is better than any word i’ve ever heard
my heart is where your love is at
your warmth hugs my soul
my home, my happy place.

i love you

i love you more than you could ever imagine...
the flaws that bruised your mind
the scars that made your life change
my heart sinks at the thought that we were so far apart
my soul feels pinned down and strangled at the thought of you getting lost
because i finally found you....
nothing else matters now that i have you here with me
every bone in my body will snap for you
every muscle in me will fight for you
for you to never get lost
for you to never feel empty again
the world has been so cruel to you
but the universe had a route for you
a route that led you to me
we love you
so let the pain go
let the hurt heal
forgive...because i promise
i will never let you go

i thought my mind was at ease
i thought it was all better
but my heart still aches
and peace is disturbed..
heart in my throat
my chest hurts
the sadness is heavy
pressing against my body
the pain wants to rip out of my skin
relapsing
the pain still stings
but a little less

perfection; the condition, state, or quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws or defects.

something that has haunted me my whole life or should i say i’ve haunted it my whole life...
i’m the one who is chasing it
it has what i want
i’ve chased it to exhaustion
but it has want i want
self fulfillment...satisfaction...
so many questions
when i look in the mirror, i wonder
my belief of everyone expecting perfection and nothing less has corrupted my mind..
it has rotted my self esteem
the reason being acceptance
a desire of being desired
terrified of rejection
i torture myself wanting to reach perfection
self-destruction  
i hate perfection
perfection is an illusion
but we crave satisfaction.

broken people break people
times when i couldn’t figure out where my broken pieces were..
meeting new people trying to find them
sometimes confusion, sometimes relief  
broken people break people
i would never
significant others i had to leave behind
to gain knowledge about myself
left with love
all in love
healed people heal people
i fell in love with my solitude
unbreakable...
no disappointments, so addictive
in my room, heart full of love
all for myself
healed people heal people
advice i gave to others
don’t be afraid to be alone
an amazing feeling i told them
healed with love

and even though validation is what you’re looking for
know that you cannot receive that
nor should you wait on it..
believe in yourself
be confident of your actions
recognize your mistakes
theres always room for improvement
take it slow
but until you find peace with it..
don’t forget your beauty
and your worth
although the heartache hurts
be strong
there’s always a reason
choose your attitude
control your day
let yourself feel
but don’t overflow..
theres more to life
stay true
and love always
-h.u

pretty in pain
i stand tall
and hold it in
i wait to be alone
laying there in my spot
comfortable in my sadness
where my mind stands still
i wait until im there
and i let it pour
the pain takes over
for as long as i let it
i allow the emotion to have its time
just enough for satisfaction
then i turn it off
still, still
i take a breath
i accept it
and keep it movin...

the hearts request
someone to stay..
to be held and loved
by a person who is fearless of emotions
self-aware
someone who won’t leave
someone who is ready
we crave
we hurt
we struggle
to be found by our person
the person destined to be our forever
true love
the person that will bring that to life
we crave
we rush
backfire
we meet people, we pressure it
disappointment
BACKFIRE
we hurt
we give up...
for my person
i am on my way to you
lets be patient
-h.u

perhaps I’ve been searching for the person i’ve wished to be
keeping myself calm
trying to stay sane
perhaps it was supposed to be different for me
i knew a whole heart for only a second
i didn’t know i carried a broken heart until the broken pieces ripped open my skin
attempting to leave my body
i thought i carried a thick layer of skin
a fool
I’ve been trying to find something i don’t know
which side do you want, left or right?
i wanted both, a full heart
instead of choosing, it chose me
forced to leave the other behind
to watch from afar
it all grabbed me from behind while i was trying to do my best
stuck
standing in room full of people that see right through me
walk right past me
i collect my emotions and hold them tight in my hand
i open up my hand when im laying there alone
and i let the emotions express themselves all night
like a cycle i wake up the next morning and still no change
temporary relief from strangers i thought were friends
only to realize that medicine is dangerous
my past has molded me into the person i am
theres reasons for the present
theres stories behind my traits
i don’t know love, yet here i stand
giving my all to people
i could stop but its the only thing that heals my past
i could be angry but that would only bring back my childhood
the truth is changing things that could possibly help me
could allow my past to eat me alive
but my sadness overflows my body
and sometimes it floods the ones around me
i hate to see it happen
but this world is new to me
my life didn’t come with a manual
standing in an empty battlefield
i am my own enemy
-h.u

i am the kind of woman you fall in love with now...or later
i am the kind of woman that fills your conscious up with guilt
and beautiful memories
guilty for damaging me, wearing me out, and confusing me
lucky to have enjoyed my presence
or perhaps you don't regret a thing
i believe a soul is dark enough, a heart is lost enough
i am the kind of woman that carries deep cuts
but i am the kind of woman that learned how to heal those wounds with the little she had to offer herself
i am the kind of woman that is selfish
because i want you to miss me
i want the pain to be worth it
i want the damage to be worth it
i want to be a realization, a lesson
selfish because now i know my worth
and you weren't worthy
just lucky
-h.u

a spark inside my soul
this amazing feeling
a drug
don't come to an end
please don't ever leave me
if i could trap you inside my mind
hold you close
so that you never leave
so that you become... home
magic
with you i am invincible
but you cant stay...
we both know that
promise to keep visiting me
and i promise ill be ok
-h.u

these are the hurt days
the painful ones...the long ones
the ones that wear me out
the ones that make me question everything
pressure on my chest
making it difficult to breathe
air trapped in my lungs
distress
soon recovery will approach
and the flourishing will begin
more strength
more understanding
more..
the damage will be worth it
it will be treasured
the good
the bad
and the ugly..
-h.u

feeling lost is like grasping for air
second guessing every action
wondering what will be the outcome
staying up every night with
all the thoughts eating you alive
holding back all the tears because you're tired of hurting...wondering how this much pain could be so silent to everyone around you?
constantly belittling you're worth because no one tends to look your way and just help you up..
the sadness comes and goes
every thought is overwhelming
right now i am hopeless
but why do i need anyones pity?
i deserve the world i say to myself...
all the self worth thoughts slip into my mind
but it isn’t too long before they vanish and i find myself in a dark room once again..
fragile heart, fragile mind
how much longer until my bottle is full?
i tend to bottle up my feelings
and when it tips over
i shatter into a million pieces
-h.u

raw emotions
they are to be treasured
treated with respect
brutal thoughts..
words to be.......studied
words crying for comfort
acceptance
pain asking for help
pain wanting to heal
open up your mind
and understand the importance
human to human
understand me
reply...with words from the heart
i have exposed my raw emotions to you
my brutal thoughts
understand me
reveal to me your thoughts
just unfold...
release the vulnerability
let yourself breathe
human to human
talk to me
-h.u

tell me why its worth it...
because i can’t seem to believe that’s true
how is it possible to fill someone up with all your love on the verge of emptiness...
all for nothing?
why is it that im adapting to this?
like some sort of sequence
i shouldn’t have to feel this way so often
i shouldn’t be crying heavy tears full of frustration caused by mistreatment...
i pour my heart and soul into a mix to serve happiness
and i am given nothing
always nothing
i am deserving
my intentions are genuine
and my words are sincere
but i keep meeting people full of confusion and sadness that is contagious
a poison
i give them love and happiness...
but once their reality hits them
it hits me too
they feed off my positivity
and leave me starving
almost as if their tears drops fall into my life as specks of darkness
and they grow like plants...
but not like roses
more like poison ivy
-h.u

where did those nights go..
laid up in your comfortable bed
in your warm arms..
where did those moments vanish to..
when you’d kiss my face all around
as i’d pretend to be asleep so i could
know how much i meant to you..
the car rides holding hands
and the songs that made our souls intertwine..
you knew how to touch my heart every time
from one day to another everything was broken
and it was inevitable...
the amount of love i gave is visible in my heavy tears
and though time didn’t define our bond..
it sure was the enemy we were blinded of
a difficult situation
i give my all and don’t know what to expect or how much
i get caught up in the moment
because i am in love with the moment
i am in love with the affection
it is new to me.
-h.u

damaged
lost and struggling
like trying to keep my balance in a spinning room
“be grateful”
and i am
but why am i so unhappy?
no answer...
i try to be okay i promise i do
but its not there
the energy, the motivation, the hope...
nowhere to be found
life is stepping on me
and im struggling to pick myself up
i have so much love
and it hurts so much
im trying and its not working
i lay in bed for hours
my mind is yelling at me to get up
but im pinned down...my body wont move
my heart is stuck
my body feels empty...
living the same days over and over
no change
until one day i find myself holding back the tears
trying not to fall apart...
i told myself im okay
turned away from my sadness
but the tears were accumulating
a pool of tears...waiting
waiting for me to accept them
and feel
so they can be free..


let it rain
your eyes are the clouds
freed from my own mind
let your mind listen to your heart sometimes
let yourself feel
sadness is like quicksand
dont get stuck in it...
-h.u