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i'd always been jealous of you
with your slicked back hair
sunglasses and cigarettes
how you could command
how you knew everything
was a battle
rebellion vs monotony
life vs death
i would follow you blindly
for you were a leader
and i was a sheep
accepting your twisted truths as fact
using pain as an aphrodisiac
the nectar to my masochistic soul
you were perfectly violent
an artistic achievement of anarchy
everything i wanted to be
compressed into a single person
controlling over masses
indoctrinating them through
brainwashing their will out of their minds
take your humanity back
before you become a percentage
you did everything i wish i could do
you were perfect so
was it really a surprise when
i found out you weren't real?
I gaze at you, belonging
Your eyes become my song of hope
I see within myself all that can be
And I dream bigger dreams than ever
I only hope you transpose this feeling
I wish to compose together someday
A simple picture brings a smile that lasts all day. I see in you what I see within myself. I think of you often, idly wanting if only to share your company.

I am bereft of my own curiosity wondering if you are simply well. Your dreams and goals are equally important to me, and I wish you only successful. Oh, what I'd give to share those strides forward with you, side by side.

I want for nothing but to care for your heart. In well hands, I wish to grow; to bloom, with you.

If ever..
"You look familiar",
a whisper said.
I turned around
And your saturation hit me
like never before, your
Blessed light, intensity;
Misty fog and a smile
I recognized your face
Of course, I always would
Ran over to hug you but
An arm suddenly grabs
My shoulder, a tight
and dark grasp; and
it's owner
Says:

"Little one, you do
Not belong here, now.
So why don't you
Come with me, where
You belong?"

Never have I ever
Belonged anywhere, and I
Just wanted to be
In your arms

And suddenly, I realise;
You are dead.
As dead as it gets.
And I couldn't go on
Without you, so now...
Now I believe the tales,
Now it's my turn to go
Now I see that
You belong
Here.

And I?
I realised.

He said I belong to that one place
Where people go, according
To these tales
When they miss
Someone too much
And do the sin.

The deep underground.

And I realised,
A few decades couldn't
Measure with
Never seeing
you again.

And despite all, I
Ask myself, will I
Ever belong?
Again without control
Again now filled with fear
Waiting for the nurse to call
"Is Michael Hibbs still here?"

Just waiting for the cannula
Just waiting for the bed
Again I fight against the
Ticking clock within my head

I wish to skip a fortnight
I wish to close my eyes
And wake up in a time where
The light of joy will rise

Just wake up when it's over
Just wake up when it's done
I wish to not know what happens
Just that I know I won

Again I stand a captive
Waiting to be free
To wake up as someone else
Is truly the wish for me
Got admitted into hospital (again) with a phobia of needles. Every morning bloods are due and the anticipation got to me.
I was sure that she'd reject me
And that gave rise to fear
But anything that's worth a fight
Will make those nerves appear

A week passed by and day by day
My courage slowly grew
And this is where I messaged her
With a link for her to view

A sonnet, cheesy, but well planned
With a message to supply
That I believed something could work
And I thought it worth a try

An hour passed, and then a night
And then, so flew the day
I guess there's comfort knowing that
I was sure it'd go this way
a new boy told me i was beautiful as his eyes traced my body
i cringed at the words because his tongue didn't wrap them the way yours would

a new boy grinned at me when i approached as he spoke hello
i barely managed to smile back because his eyes didn't light up in the way yours would

a new boy hit my phone up trying talk about anything
i left it unopened because his conversation felt forced and he didn't speak the way you would  

any new boy could be good, this is true
but here i am uninterested
because they just aren't you

s.s
Slice it neater

Deep red
thick wet
dripping to the floor
Head pounding
Memories hounding
Do you want some more?

Cut deeper
Slice it neater
You know what you need
Feel the pain
Memories drain
Body starts to plead

Emotions lifting
Fear sifting
Calmness rears it’s smile
Lost restraint
Feeling faint
Numbness for a while
Not written about myself, I’ve not self harmed in years... written about a character in a film...
Moving through like a freight train.
Light on the move. 
A cheetah with a six speed engine. 
Cutting static with a lightening bolt. 
A quickening heart. 
A laser beam to there.
There. 
I can put my finger on it.
Can breathe it in.
Can relish in it. 
But 

know
I will never be there.
I can be here,
here
or here.
But there doesn't exist.
I exist too much sometimes.
And always more than there.
But always in here.
CROSSING THE RIVER

I, a mere scrap
of a young fella

watching father and mother
argue the toss

about something or other
making me wonder whether

the really love
one another.

He always "Boss" to her.
She to him forever "Mother."

And him always giving in
with an "Alright...yer always right!"


Still see myself
messing about on the river

with the Hammer Hannon
Wiki Warner and the Rue Murray

great pals all
when

the Ma and Da
appear out of nowhere.

I seeing them
them not seeing me.

He, shotgun under an oxter
his arm about her waist.

Four rabbits nonchalantly
thrown over a shoulder.

No longer mother and father
but Jim and Kathleen.

They just themselves
their love and laughter.

Sticks two Woodbines
between his lips

the scratch of a match
as he lights up

places one between her lips
both puffing happily.

Sunlight madly in love
with water.

The Liffey here
lies gently at their feet

tamed with time.

Trousers rolled up to his knees
a breeze flirts with her dress.

Quick as a flash
she jumps on his back

her legs sticking out
between his elbows

all as easy
as you please.

He ferrying himself and herself
along with a load of rabbits

across the hurrying waters of
the moment.

A heron watches
this strange human behaviour.

Shifts from one leg
to the other.

Saying nothing.

My question answered
in a flash of kingfisher blue.

My mind all
water and light.

Water...and..light.
John Smith of Newbridge told me this story of the moment he realised just what love is and that hss parents were not only Ma and Da but people in their own right. It is an epiphany that opens up the world for him. I always believe that a child grows up when he or she realises that parents are people too and can feel sad and happy....just like you.

John is a wonderful teller of tales and a wonderful character. I could listen to this man talk for hours and I frequently do in my favourite Newbridge eatery CHAT AND CHEW...and indeed that is exactly what we do. Gorgeous food and gorgeous people who are prepared to put up with poets talking their heads off.

I fell in love with this little moment of being and of "Mother" and "Boss" becoming Jim and Kathleen...people in their own right.

Crossing the River is of course just what it is but also the symbol of growing up and into one's self.
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