i smile for now;

we hang out for awhile

just on the couch

        no white forests, no cute chocolate boxed romances

        no notes, all smiles and all pearly white teeth

                                with less words and letting hours elongate        

                silent stares, you let me know you've fallen

                        in love with        my        lips

and         for one, i think i        am just fine with        that

        before yesterday becomes the same as tomorrow

                i think i'm okay with you and i

                                        for now;

I'm standing around.
Waiting.... for something?
I'm starting to think
that it isn't coming.
The rain just falls harder.
The sky just grows darker.
But I'm not getting any stronger.
My muscles ache.
My heart breaks.

Dear diary,
I miss myself.. the one who likes to smile and bring bright colors wherever she goes,
im not me anymore.
thats the sad thing for many  people they say they miss my big smile or my wonderful laugh.
i just nod and agree with them they say i still have it..the joy,hope the old me.
i know thats not true.
im not me.
im the one who became shattered,broken into bits because of them the ones who are suppose to love me,the ones who are suppose to bring and make memories with me.
the ones who are supposed to teach me how to trust,
the ones who are supposed to be trusted by me.

                 the ones who are suppose to be loved by me,    

the ones who have to be loved by me,
the ones who are loved by me but very little,
the ones who are suppose to help me when everything is falling apart!
i need them but, they're not here
i need them but they're not there.
for me.
it hurts to see them destroying each other..
including themselves..
they're bringing me with them,
im going down into the deep dark hole they call hell.
they're destroying me with them..
they don't even care!
how could they?
hello?
im alone now theyre dead.
help..
please someone..
they're not coming back .thats a lot like them to do that.
they're my parents,
family..
they matter to me,
i guess i dont matter to them..
i still love them though,
just like their innocent..
thats a lot like me to still love them.

All I see are these eyes.
These dark, dark eyes,
floating on a sea of darkness - not connect to a body.

Just there - up close to me.
Pressing against my eyes.
I felt like the eyes had pushed into my own eyes.
Peaked in to my very soul
Breaking my weak spine and mind.

I want to scream
Pray for this to be a dream
But fear has a funny way
Of stopping you doing what you want.

So I do nothing.
And life goes on.

*Oh, but those eyes.
They're in my brain.

They're here to stay.