you inhale more smoke
taking more small steps to death
to feel more alive

Come lay your head down next to mine
On this endless field of grass
How soft the ground feels on your spine
As these clouds above, begin to pass

Beautiful clouds all shapes and sizes
Drift through the sky, so blue
Imagining escapes and prizes
As I drift along with you

Ever changing, morphing amazing
These clouds above transform so quick
The winds a blazing, while my eyes stay gazing
New clouds pass, within a flick

How can I hold on to this notion of beauty?
Of nothing to touch, and even less that’s saved
For the clouds pass by, as if in duty
To escape my clutch, and leave me depraved

As beautiful as these clouds can be
Look, how fast to darkness they can turn
As the sky, now void of light to see
Begins to fill me with concern

Covered by endless passing shrouds
The wind picks up, as a hideous storm forms overhead
No longer beauty within these clouds
Lets leave this barren wasteland, deceitful place of dread

But, this too, over time, shall pass
And the sky return to blue
We will lie back on the softness of the grass
And watch, The Clouds, pass on through

I keep my paintbrush with me
Wherever I may go
In case I need to cover up
So the real me doesn’t show.
I’m so afraid to show you me
Afraid of what you’ll do-
That you might laugh or say mean things;
I’m afraid I might lose you.

But if you be patient and close your eyes
I’ll strip off my paint coats real slow.
Please understand how much it hurts
To let the real me show.
Now my coats are all stripped off-
I feel naked, bare, and cold.
But if you still love me with all that you see
You are my friend, pure as gold.

I need to keep my paintbrush, though,
And hold it in my hand.
I need to keep it handy
In case someone doesn’t understand.
So please protect me, my dear friend,
And thanks for loving me true.
But, please, let me keep my paintbrush with me
Until I love me too.

She kissed me
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

We fell in
love.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

We made
mistakes.
Not because
we wanted to
but because
we could.

We thought
we were
perfect.
Not because
we could
but because
we wanted to.

I vomited in
the bathroom
of a
Baltimore
7-11
because
sometimes
you cannot
hold it in
much
longer.

Her hands shook
as she held her
mirror
because
sometimes
your reflection
can only
tell you
so much.

My body shook.
Her body stiff.
And when
the bodies
move
the hearts
stop.

She lied some.
I drank words.
The veins
in hands
are maps
to imagined
consciousness.

Really,
it's just
a
*******
*****.

Music to
my ears.
Nervousness
between
blinks.
Noise to
my brain.

She said,
"I love you"
not because
she wanted to
but because
she could.

I said,
"I love you, too,"
not because
I could
but because
I wanted to.

There's a lot for you to learn, kid. (Mind you, I call everyone kid, don't take it personally.)

Make friends with her sisters, make sure her mother doesn't hesitate to call you her "sweetie". If you do that, you've secured yourself in a place very close to her heart. If her family can love you, she will love you.

If there's an insect on her radar, you get rid of it, no questions asked, no please and thank you. You get it done.

I don't care if dancing isn't your "style", that's one thing you can't take away from her. So it will just make your life easier if you just dance with her. Trust me.

Argue with her. Stand up for yourself. There are times when the fire in her eyes grows and feeds on your submission. It will burn her too, I promise. Douse it and any doubt she may have in her mind about your commitment.

She is one of the most driven, fearless, determined, and independent women I know that graces this earth. But there are times when her past spoils are not enough to appease her and she can and will drown in self-hate. I implore you to save her from herself in these times. She is worth too much. Hold her close and rub her back and tell her reasons for your love with each vertebrae you massage.

This girl will love you with every inch of her possible. She will love you wholeheartedly, she will give you everything she's got. Don't you dare give her anything less. Don't waste her time.

Gifts are always really special to her. She has this way of always getting you something you wanted, regardless of if you knew it. Her gifts are quirky and clever and incredibly thought-out. Appreciate them, please.

There will come a night where both of you will have fire for blood and lust for thoughts. Be gentle, be loving. Make her feel safe.

She gives many different kinds of kisses. She'll give you a quick kiss as you both head out the door, she'll give you these spontaneous kisses that will send smiles through every inch of you, every time. She'll give you kisses that make you question your self control. She'll lie on top of you and give you butterfly kisses with her eyelashes.

One thing she doesn't do is get jealous. Don't you take advantage of that. If she ever does, you’ll never know it. She won’t question you going out with friends or not replying to her texts. She will trust you with all her heart. Don’t **** that up.

I am begging you, demanding of you: do not hurt her. Hold her close to your heart. She will memorize the way it beats and she'll always be able to tell when you fall asleep.

Hopefully you won't have the same demons as I. But rest assured that if you do, she will recognize that all demons are just fallen angels and she will bring light and love back to your shadowed mind.

If you're the one that makes her the happiest, I hope you never have to feel the pain of losing her.

This girl is the last bit of gold in this world, don’t let that shine fade out. Give her every ounce of your being and she will do the same. You will never, ever be loved the way she loves again. You will never have to ask anything of the Universe again.

Sincerely,
A name you'll hear in passing.

P. S. I hope you like football.

P. P. S. I shouldn't have to tell you any of this. This shouldn't motivate you to treat her right. You should know instantly in your heart that this girl is precious and that you should cherish her. If your love for her doesn't make you want to do that, then don't waste your time. She deserves better.

You built these walls around you
To try to encage yourself
Turning your back on the world
Forever refusing all help
Your fears they surrounded you
Devoured all your soul
Left you broken into pieces
Impossible to be made whole
Your tears they became rivers
Until they drowned your body
And you just let yourself lie
Dying in your own folly
The depression it destroyed you
Left you empty and closed off
Until all memories of us
You simply forgot
Every night I came to your prison
Trying to get you free
Trying to reach you
But you no longer saw me
You closed your mind and body
Let your heart just freeze
Watched me outside the bars
Begging you not to please
I constantly tried and failed
Your empty eyes they watched
It broke my heart to see you
I prayed for it to stop
So I come tonight once again
But not to set you free
I come to say goodbye
But you can’t even hear me
I cry as I watch you
But I have to turn away
Long gone are the days
In your arms I would stay
When I leave you I’m empty
Completely closed myself off
All the pain and memories
Like you I’ve forgot
I create walls around me
To keep everything away
I make my heart go cold
So I no longer feel the old way
I become what you are
What I once did fear
No emotion escapes me
Not even a single tear
I don’t think I'll ever understand
Just what happened to us
How did two so happy and free
become closed off and unloved?
Now these bars surround us
Behind them we die
They keep in our dark secrets
We recoil inside
They lock all our emotions
Then throw away the key
The world outside aches for us
But the bars don’t let us see
We build them to get away
Thinking there we will rest
But these bars slowly **** us
They’re just cages for the depressed
We’ll rot in these cells we’ve made
We’ll tie up ourselves in chains
Becauce the reason we’re behind these bars
Is because inside we’ve gone insane

And I'm back to no longer caring about anything anymore.

I didn't want to hurt myself
but the stinging felt better
on my thighs
than it did in my heart
and the burn
of the ***** in my throat
will always taste better than
swallowing down the words
I want to say to you
I'm hungry and hollow
and I just want someone to call my own
I just want someone to hold
and I want us to love each other
you were like a hurricane
you came to me when I was still
young and beautiful and new
but you destroyed everything in me
the storm calmed eventually but it didn't stop raining in my mind so I ran blades along my skin trying to find some part of myself that might still be there but I only bled colors of you so I sent out search parties all over my body
but they where never to be found
cause I guess you took them with you
so much of me lost in you

1.As the sun rubs its eyes, rise and shine. Thank God for today. Open your windows, and say hello to the birds. Admire the canvas drawn in the sky. And now, get ready to fly.

2. Turn off your gadgets, go outside and take a stride.

3. Get lost and wander into the sea of tides. Find yourself. Your dreams, goals, passion, the positive and even the negative side. After that, you may enjoy the ride.

4. Keep a journal and write what's buried deep. Good or bad things, it's part of life. Get up, dust the dirt, and try. Reflect on your scribe, and learn to inspire yourself as time goes by.

5. "I speak to everyone in the same way, whether he is the garbage man or the president of the university."-Albert Einstein
Love the ones who treat you right. Stop the fight and let's unite. Acknowledge their goodness rather than the differences. Stop judging and start accepting flaws, because everybody makes mistake.

6. Life is too short not to appreciate. Simple things matter. You never know what you have until it's gone right? Sometimes, you just have to screech your wheels in an open highway and feel the air. Take off your sandals and walk in the coast. Wait for the sunset and fathom how the horizon gives life to the vivid sky.

7. Let your tears stream down and wash out your mascara. You feel like dying? Take away the blade and just cry. Let it go. Release the pain that has built inside. If you're done, wipe away the tears. Look yourself in the mirror and be a warrior. Learn from your mistakes, forgive people, learn to smile :))

8. Yes, smile. It makes you happy. It makes others happy too! So, if you're reading this. Congratulations! You're alive. That is something to smile about, no doubt.

9. Be healthy. Run an extra mile, flex and stretch for a fresh start. Dump the pills together with your misty dark thoughts. If you lost yourself somewhere in the darkness, you can find it. It may not be that easy, but every war has an ending. It's called beginning.

10. “Eleanor was right. She never looked nice. She looked like art, and art wasn't supposed to look nice; it was supposed to make you feel something.” -my fave line in Rainbow Rowell's, Eleanor & Park.

The way Eleanor dresses—men's clothing, bright colors, even fishing lures in her hair. Her bright red, curly hair, freckles, and curvy figure all combine to single her out for bullying, so her own appearance is a huge factor in her everyday life.

THE THING IS: BE YOURSELF. Eleanor dresses the way she wants, to be different. Don't mind what other people say, cause in the end it is you, not them. And hey! We are all beautiful, we are strong, we are worth it. That's what makes us special. Stop wishing you looked like someone else, stop hating your body, your personality. Love yourself a little more every day. And for sure, someone will love you just the way you are :)

(a.k)