i looked back
and saw every word
you have spoken to me

written
to
someone
else

not telling
any lies
it's a ****** up world
anyway

and the wall goes
right back up

wrapping my heart
back in suit and armour

no entry
no longer allowed.

I became a lost soul
and you had already been lost
in the midst of darkness
we found each other

in the midst of our words
our ******* words, you know
they have power
so much power

and as the days went on
the nights got longer
our weakness turned to love
our love became stronger

I gave in
to what I said I wouldn't
I tried to hold back
sadly I couldn't

and here I sit
missing something that
...never was
and hoping
for something that
....never could be

because I love you
and i miss you
and becoming engaged
in floetry
wasn't only for me
like you had presented
it to be

...ha.
not such a fool I am,
you see?

I love myself enough
to know I have an addiction
to things that give me life
to feelings that are
different

oh the ache
oh the pain
you devoured my soul
into your wretched world
and I felt safe
...I felt safe

bleeding these words
on a screen
licking my wounds
until the sin
is washed clean

you cannot hear my screams
you'll never see my tears
though it is killing me slowly
to walk away so lonely

but I have a heart
...a heart to shield
to keep it beating
I must rule the day

you truly are such
a gentleman
a lovely beaut
wrapped in a lie
soaked in a cheat

and u can't even see
your own deceit

walking away doesn't make me a coward in fact it makes me one strong *** *****. and let me tell you what i know about love, it ain't nothing my mama didn't warn me about and here i am ****** up over loving someone just as ****** up as myself. ****. How did i get here? Crying over a situation i walked willingly into.. Crying cause i give my ***** to nothing but heartbreakers and then wonder why my insides are always aching for love, when in reality that's all it ever was (that ache). Even so, i usually give him the benefit of the doubt and feed the cheese to the mouse (did i really just say that?). Aladdin will show me a whole new world and not even really know me, and yet i ask you, my best friend, what our future is and you can't show me.. Life. Life. A sentence i can't seem to handle since its just falling apart.. i can't even get ahead by showing a little heart.. and every struggle and every trial and tribulation and unfair situation while trying to find myself some salvation for the love of something upstairs CAN YOU HEAR ME? While you say YOU SHOULD FEAR ME and i do so i bow down to worship Him (You) and then when my eyes open i am still standing at the same edge of sanity within. **** i saw myself in the mirror fifteen minutes ago and the reflection sealed my fate; maybe i'll just stand here, watch myself deteriorate back into a recognizable state.. back into the ***** that was the center of everyone's hate.. back into the ***** that ran the show and always showed up late. Ha. Yeah. Life. **** it. It's a date.

you are leaving us now
God is calling you Home
and as we wait selfishly and angrily
unknowingly saying
...refusing to say goodbye to you
we hold back our tears
we can't let you see us cry
because deep down we know
you want to stay here too
the fight you have given
over the course of time
has inspired the heart of the world
and has reconstructed mine
watching you go through hell
and keeping your mind
staying with a smile
even as you decline
and with every treatment
and with every transfusion
you proved to us over and over again
the power of God isn't just
an illusion
for you have beat the odds
time and time again
you have kicked the crap out of the devil
right til the very end
I cannot say goodbye
because that's a message
I cannot send
For in these last few years
you have become far more than a patient
you have become a friend
I will remember your laugh
and how you joked through all the pain
I will remember how much you hated
using that blasted walker and cane

The memories are worth a visit
and soon it will be the only way to find you
but just know,
even if we cannot be there in physicality
in spirit we are always right beside you

All my life
All my life
All I have ever wanted
was to make you proud of me
All my life I have fought so hard
so hard
to get you to be proud
and here I sit in tears
because instead of telling me how much I've done
I only hear about how much I've ****** up over the years
But you don't see my pain
you only see someone lazy
and unmotivated
loving the wrong man
losing more than I gain
not finding my way
and all the while you sheltered me so I couldn't grow
I'm now a late bloomer
lost in this ****** economy
waiting for a break
waiting for my show
I move at a snail's pace
but I've busted my ***, you know

The things you say to get under my skin
they don't just hurt inside
they hurt my confidence
they hurt my being
they damage my pride
And if this is just a trickling down of your own misery
and though you say you
only want what's best for me
I can honestly see now why I hide

So instead of breaking me down
how about you bring me up?
How about you give me a congrats
a nice pat on the back
not drive me into the ground

Because every ******* thing I have ever done in my **** of a life
I have done to make you proud

As the wind sifts strands of hair across my face unsmiling
I chase the waves of smoke from my cigarette as I see my life unwinding
And every single hurt and pain I have ever known has hit me with truth so blinding
I've been sitting here while working so hard in hopes of one day finding
that motivation in my soul that keeps becoming lost behind me
You can say you mean the best and that I will find out soon enough in timing
But tell me since you know so much how can I stop the pain from binding
sticking to my being and causing so much sickness inside me
And when my true self can finally come out from hiding

If she ever can.