I don't talk to you anymore
Because you hurt me
And because I know
You will continue to hurt me

You lost a person you don't love:
Me,
I lost the person I love:
You,
So who's really suffering here?
Me

Either way I hurt
Lose, lose

Is it really a good memory
If every time you remember it
It stings?

Each beat feels like a muffled rumble,
Like it's too hurt to beat all the way.
Between each beat is a pause,
That makes me think that my heart is going to stop,
But without fail,
The rumble starts again.

Quiet and slow,
Without any rhythm or flow,
It spreads like an echo,
All across my chest.

You sliced through the seven layers of skin on my chest,
Smoothly,
You cracked my ribs,
Gently.
Blood spurted out,
You absorbed it,
Kindly.

The whole time,
I surrendered to you,
In awe,
And thought to myself,
"How am I not in pain?"

When you finally found my heart,
Raw and bare,
Offering itself to you,
Desperately,
You left,
Masterfully rejecting,
What you so intentionally earned.

At first I was numb,
But now it's worn off,
And I inescapably feel,
Every ounce of pain,
You inflicted,
To open me up.

So here's the question:
Do I leave my heart here,
Or do I sew myself up?

I am not okay,
I really am not.
But I have to act like I am,
Because it's embarrassing.
People judge me,
And I start to judge myself,
How can I still feel this way?

I've tried everything.
At this point,
It wasn't ******* worth it.
Even the good parts,
They weren't worth it.
Nothing was.

It's a game,
I feel okay for a few days,
Like I've made progress,
And then right back to ****.

I thought time was supposed to make things better.
It's not.
Each low feels lower and lower.

I was beautiful,
Smart,
Special,
The only person who had ever had my heart was me.

And now?
It's you,
All day everyday.
And you don't even care about me.

Why didn't you just leave me alone?
Why?
I didn't even like you.
I hated you.
Now I hate you too,
But in a different way,
In a way that only hurts me.

Every smile is fake,
Every laugh is fake,
Every joke is fake,
Every eye roll is fake,
Every hair flip is fake,
Because right now I feel worthless,
Hopeless,
Like there is no end in sight.

I wish I could sleep forever,
Because that's the only peace I have,
But then,
Even before my eyes open,
My heart reminds me of where I am.

I wish I never gave myself to you,
Because now you're satisfied,
You broke what everyone thought couldn't be broken.

Now I'm weak,
I'm sad,
I'm constantly in pain.
I just want my life back,
Please just give me my life back.

Please stop playing with me.
I can't take it anymore.
I really like you,
Like really.

It's that like where I know I want you and only you,
That I know I would do anything for you,
That forever and always,
But you don't feel the same.

And even though I know you don't,
There are times where I think you do.
Like when I catch you looking at me for a little too long,
When you tell me things that you say you haven't told anyone else,
When I feel my skin shock cold after your lingering touch vanishes,
When you talk about me to other people,
And of course,
When you hug me.

Now that's my favorite,
Hugging you.
I don't want you to ever let go,
Because it feels so perfect,
Warm and safe,
Like I can stay there,
And nothing bad will ever happen.
But then it's over,
And something always does.

So I convince myself that it's better to keep away,
I go through the same process everyday,
Delete your texts,
And tell myself I'm done.
That's it.

But then I look at something,
And it reminds me of you,
Or something happens,
And I want to tell you,
So I go back and forth,
Until I cave,
And I text you.

Sometimes you reply,
Then other times you make me wait,
And I can't think about anything else besides you.

I check my phone,
Over and over again,
Waiting to see your name,
But all I see is the same ugly wallpaper,
And the time.

So I calculate how long it's been,
Down to the exact minute,
And I get angry,
I know you've seen it,
There's no way you haven't,
And I tell myself that I hate you,
That I'm done and that's it.
And I really believe it.

But then I see your name,
And every bad feeling magically floats away,
And I'm right back to where I started.
Thinking,
Wishing,
Dreaming,
Hoping,
Of an endless future,
Of me and you.

When I realize I like you,
I'll be mean at first,
But that's just because I'm protecting myself,
And testing you to see if you think I'm worth sticking around for,
So just be patient.

Call me out if I'm too much,
You shouldn't be getting too annoyed,
Or hurt,
Your feelings matter too.

Tell me that you like me,
And tell me why,
Be specific.

Tell me that your intentions are pure,
That you're in it for the real thing,
For the long term,
I'll probably be shocked,
Because I don't know,
Could you really be the one I've been searching for?

I'll tell you I'm not sure if I like you,
Because I won't be.
I'm used to suppressing my feelings,
I've been hurt before.
The pain that comes with being rejected is way too much for me to handle,
I'm scared,
So don't leave,
It's just a little longer,
I promise.

Ask me out on a date,
Doesn't have to be anything extravagant,
Just a place where we can talk.
And talk I will.
I love talking.
Listen.
Touch me every now and again,
Hold my hand,
Brush my hair out of my face,
Be gentle.
I won't pull away.

When it's over,
Walk me to my car,
Tell me you had a good time,
Thank me for going out with you,
And I'll thank you too,
Because at this point,
My feelings are becoming clear.

Tell me to text you when I get home.
Hug me,
Make it nice and long.
When I pull away,
Pull me in for just a little bit longer,
And then let me go.

Open the car door for me,
Close it,
Watch me drive away.
Wait for my text.

I won't text you,
Because a lot of people tell me to text them,
But they don't actually care,
And I hate being a bother.
So follow up,
"Did you make it home?"
You'll make me so happy.
Because I like you,
And you like me.

From there,
Let's keep talking,
"Good morning",
"Good night",
"How was your day?"

Ask me out again,
Keep taking me out,
Pay for me,
I'll pay you back,
Because I believe in equality,
But the fact you want to pay,
Will give me butterflies.
Because you don't pay for everyone.
Now do you?

Ask me deep questions,
For my opinions about life,
About who I am,
What I want,
What shaped me?
I'll write you paragraphs,
Respond,
Again,
I don't want to feel like a bother.

Profess your feelings to me again,
Make my heart skip,
Ask to kiss me,
I'll be nervous,
But I'll say yes.
Just a couple pecks.
That's it.
Caress my face.
Kiss me on the cheek,
And then the forehead.

Tell me to text you when I get home,
I'll "forget" a lot,
So follow up,
And with time,
I'll stop "forgetting".
Because I trust you.

Eventually my feelings for you will be growing,
Way too much for me to handle,
And I'll spill,
It'll be detailed,
And long.
React.
Tell me how I made you feel.
I want to make you happy.

Ask me to be your girlfriend,
I'll say yes,
And I'll have a boyfriend,
For the first time.
These other boys have been too afraid to commit to me.

Introduce me to your family,
And friends,
As your girlfriend.
You'll make me pinch myself,
Because my dreams are finally coming true.

Care enough to talk to me when I'm upset,
Without a time limit,
Or making me feel rushed.

Read my paragraphs,
I'll write them to you when I'm upset or angry or happy,
Because I'm emotional,
Reply back with love.

Compliment me on specific things beyond just my looks,
Even when I act like it annoys me.
Give me a nickname,
Unique to just me.
Never ignore me.
If you know you're going to be busy,
Tell me.
If you take long to respond,
Explain why.
Remember,
I'm insecure.

Keep texting me.
And calling me.
You're always on my mind.
I always want to talk to you,
Always.

Touch me tenderly and carefully,
Like I'm a fragile doll,
Before we move further physically,
Ask,
And reassure me that we don't have to do anything I'm not comfortable with,
That we have time,
And that you enjoy me for my company,
Above everything else.

Don't be afraid to talk to me about anything.
I want to help you in any way that I can.
I care about you,
A lot.

Open up to me.
I love hearing your mind.
Tell me things you haven't told anyone else,
I'll do the same,
And I'll thank you,
Because I'm honored,
I like feeling close to you.

When we argue,
Listen to me,
I'm sensitive,
I'll listen to you too.
If it gets too intense,
I might try to leave,
Even though I don't want to,
Because I'll think it's what you want.
But don't let me,
Tell me you want to work things out.

I do too,
Maybe a little too much.
Because at this point,
You have my heart.