it was all my fault
          you were drenched in crimson
you just laid there
motionless
not a single
strand of your
snow white hair
left unpainted
with red—
     so still
  so pitiful
            so unnerving
so remorseful
         so convenient
                and so **** sad
      that you're still bleeding.
             clutching to
                  what's left
of your poor
          masochistic breath
                         as if
                 you're too sure
     that this time
              i'll hear you out...
   why won't you be?
          i was so sure
                  you'd be shouting it out
       anyway.    
just
like
how
you
scream
             'go to hell'
    or
           'go **** yourself'
                         or
  'die now please'
                                            or
        'you look like a taxi in that suit'
              or
                      'i hate you'
         or
                                          'i love you'
                  you'd scream everything.
    always.
                  like when you said
         'i'll always be there for you'
   and
          'i hope you never come back'
                           when you were hurt
                 you'd shout curses
                      like a prayer
      when you were drunk
   you'd screech songs
             like a drifting car.
                   but right then
                                      you whispered.
         and you whispered so softly
   it was more unbelievable
              than the fact that
      i heard it more clealy
           more soundly
                                     than the time
                    you screamed
    'i'm done putting up with you.'
          "tell me a little lie"
                 "and tell me you'll never"
     "ever leave me this time."
              and you were so peaceful
   this one single exeptional time
          as you tried ever so
                    unsettlingly
              to catch your breath.
        i simply couldn't resist.
                  "i promise."
   "i'll never leave you."
                        "ever."
     "cross my heart and hope to die."
               but you never
          did listen did you?
it was all your fault
i'm drenched in crimson

dense conversations after 3am      
   waking up at 9 to continue the same dialogue
                small talks
           useless talks
  smiling at the littlest things
        and laughing at the silliest jokes
                     hugs and kisses
    secretly holding hands
               hotels and lodges
                               fancy restaurants
                    cinema backseats
                            a 4-cheese whopper
               disneyland            
that silly bucketlist that never gets filled----
                            regrets
           achievements       happiness
     nostalgia            melancholy  
        missing each other only a few days apart
                missing one over the other...
     condescension         pride and humility
                    misunderstanding
             sadness        tears    
                           blurring vision
                 slowly turning anger
                       quickly turning hate
          pretty soon turning against each other
first apologies...second apologies...third apologies...fourth apologies...fifth...sixth...
                     et cetera
            and forgivess covered by more hate----
      and absolution...    
                                    for only minutes...
                  before pain.
         and pain               and pain
               and pain      and pain         and pain
   and pain      
              et cetera
                        tears
                    sobs
­                      weeps
               goodbye.

My mommy made a promise when I was young. She told me that she’d do everything to protect me, that she’d do everything to keep me safe. She swore with all her heart and strength that she’d fight for me with all her life.

She did fight with her best.

She fought with her all.

She gave it all she’s got.

She did manage to push back all my tears just before they would fall; sometimes they even climb back to hiding behind when she smiles. Even sobs turn to laughter at her presence.

Heck, I never felt down. She kept keeping me up.

She fought the winning fight. Beaten away sadness, and boxed out regret, she made shame feel sorry. I never even knew doubt, of course because I was sure she was there for me.

I never knew any counter weapon that could ever out power her smile, or her hugs or her forehead kisses –nothing could ever beat her forehead kisses.

She won ‘til the very end.

Then she lost.

I guess it’s kind of too ironic now. I hated it with all my heart before.

I hated the fact that when my protector disappeared, I was left bare for every new stranger, sadness… regret… shame… doubt…

All the tears that she kept pushing back, they finally escaped.

I didn’t even have any idea before that there’s this pool of raining kept up at the surface of my wrists just waiting to be freed—

I hated her.

I hated her for always winning.

I hated her for always trying so hard.

I hated her for fighting—

Ironic is it not? Now here I am making that same promise to you.

Seeing you cry so much, so devilishly much, I couldn’t really help it. I couldn’t help but remember all the times I cried without my mommy smiling to hush me; I couldn’t help but recall all the tears that fell from my eyes then, how I waited, crying, how I prayed crying, how I foolishly tried to fake all my smiles for the first few  months, still crying… Just vainly waiting for her to stop my tears from falling.

I couldn’t help but stop it.

It was all that I could do. It was the best that I can do.

“Cross my heart and hope to die.”

I swear that I’d do everything to protect you. I’ll do everything to keep you safe. I swear with all my heart and soul that I’d fight for you with all my life.

And, my son, I’ll never leave you alone.

I’ll never let another tear pass through your eyelids again, neither will I let another sob from your throat, no, now you’re with me, I won’t let this leukemia I passed along hurt you anymore.

This is the only thing she taught me to do.

Smile.

Hug.

Kiss your forehead.

At least I fought— How I hugged you managed to muffle the deafening beep of your oscillator…

I fought with everything I had.

I fought with all my heart and my strength like my mommy did.

I kept all the tears back inside your eyelids just when they are about to fall. Not even a single drop of blood escaped your wrists too. I think I was able to push back all the shame and regret and doubts in your heart? I hope I did.

I won against fear, at least. I managed to see you smile one last time but—

—I fought ‘til the very end—

Then I lost.

A holy night----

All the world's
Fallen unbright

      If this really is heaven
      When did you learn
      How to bite?

Amid the weeping
And the gnashing
The clashing of teeth----

A flickering faltering light

Fall to me...
      Fall in delight.

Let your mind say no
I can hear your body fight

         Every thump a thump
         First a whisper-----
         Next a scream-----
         Then a wail-----
               a blight...
    
  Accompanying teardrops
          Slowly falling
       Sobs. Sobs. Sobs.
          Blurring sight.

    This is our last chance
    Before you close your eyes
         and fall for ever asleep-----

        Good night.

the more I try
to give us color
the more we smudge
and blur altogether