tw: suicidal thoughts



I haven’t felt it in months...
But I knew I should’ve listened...
I should’ve thrown out all the pills
All the orange bottles in my nightstand drawer
I didn’t want to then
I don’t want to now
They’re my way out
My backup plan
When things go dark,
I can offer them to myself
There’s always the pills...
I don’t even know if they’re enough...
But part of me is desperate to find out

I don’t want to go to the lake

It’s too cold
I don’t have a swimsuit
I haven’t been eating well
I don’t like swimming
I don’t like being outside
I just don’t want to

These are all my excuses
But in reality...

I don’t want to have to tell you
There are dark, fresh scars on my thigh
On my wrist as well
I don’t want you to worry
I don’t want to have to explain

My parents are insane
This family is dysfunctional
This house is toxic
It’s making me sick
And it’s all I have

Do you think
Just for one single moment
I could forget I’m alone?
I’ll drink until I can’t think
I’ll cut open my wrists
I’ll do whatever it takes
Just... just help me forget...

How much longing must be in my heart
To sleep with a blanket in my arms
To cheaply mimic
The warmth I don’t feel

I can feel suicide in me
In the heaviness of my limbs
The numbness of my heart
The slowness of my movements
The emptiness encompassing me
Of course I won’t
But I find it disappointing