The slicing and dicing
Game is getting out of hand
And I'm loosing control
Doesn't anyone understand

My thigh now covered
My forearm raw
With bright ****** lines
That nobody saw

And I'm sitting in my bed
Clutching my shoulders and rocking
Because I can't throw away the teeth
That keep biting and locking

Their rusty jaws on my body
And the battle wounds are deep
I try to fight my demons but
They come in at night and creep

Into my bed and infest my dreams
With horrors of my past
And visions of unspeakable things
And I don't think I'll last

Another night trapped inside my scared body
Because my demons are inside
And they're clawing and demanding to be let
Loose, my mouth open wide

So I cut loose my demons
And with every slice
Another one is freed
It just took a little splice

I invited my friend over
To keep from killing myself
I wish I didn't even ask
Because I now feel trapped

The urge to cut too strong
The will to die to great
I am trying to crawl out of the hole
But it feels like Depression gnaws at my feet

It bites at the nails on my toes
And wraps the tongue around the ankle
It's claws tug at my waist
The aroma of death clings to me

And I'm trying to keep my head
Above the abyss of sadness
But I'm so tempted just to
Let myself sink in

To allow my body to relax
And let depression drag me down
My muscles are sore from holding on
My body is scared beyond
recognition

It feels like a long way
Down to the bottom
But I bet if I let is slit my wrists
I would feel the relief I crave

So monster monster
Hiding in my head
Come out now, come out
It's time for me to be dead

I wish I could know if
I would leave behind a few broken hearts
A few shattered souls
A few people ripped apart

It might change
If I decide to stat or go
When I bite the bullet
What emotions will people show

But I know that if I were to leave
All that would be left behind
Is an empty shell of me
An already empty state of mind

Wrapped tightly into yourself
Head heavy and heart imploding
Trying to **** you in and make you
Believe you are the **** up they whisper about

Not sure where to place your hands
Holding your stomach or head?
Which one? Because both are aching
For comfort and attention

But both refused to be touched
By none other than yourself
Small breaths of air aren't efficient enough
Spots form in your peripheral vision

Memories play through your head
The good ones come like bolts of lightning, thin and rare
The bad in pounding rains
The worst memories slip in like poison

The thought of suicide might cross your mind
I know it does in mine
Maybe you've even attempted
Once, twice, five, eleven times

The number climbs just like the clock ticks

Ticking away, eating at precious minutes
Forcing you through another day
Filled with thoughts of razors and pills
High ledges and bullets lined up in chambers

Awaiting the day you decide to pull the trigger

But the mood ebbs away as the sun rises
Though the thoughts of suicide never leave you
They calm themselves, the storm passes
And you're left alone again

Aren't you tired of being alone?
Because I know I am
I am sick of the perpetual depression that settles
In the back of my brain

I am disgusted by how often the
Razor caresses my soft skin
And the lack of sleep and
What I day dream

Because it's often fantasies of being
Stuck six feet under
While no one stands around my grave
Because no one cares

I'm sick
I'm tired
I'm lonely
And I am more than done

I'll ride this high
Until I die
That Ana high
Will keep you alive

She feeds you euphoria
She fills you with doubt
First there is a typhoon
But then there is a drought

But nevermind the downside
Ana can help you thrive
Eventually you'll feel so high
You will barely feel alive

Mark the day
In your calenders
Tell all of
Your many friends

Of the day Ellyn flew,
The beginning of the end

The end of the bullies
She threw out her fears
Ellyn cut out the negatives in life
The change drastic and severe

Ellyn decided that it's
The beginning of the end

She tore apart her monsters
Faced the voices in her head
She cleared out her closet
And checked under her bed

And by the time Ellyn was done
The end was quite near

The girl decided her past
Did not define her
And tomorrow is a new day
He mistakes would not recur

And now Ellyn is happy
And her new beginning glows
She faced down her demons
But there will still be cons and pros

Life is not a straight path
Obstacles you will face
But if your perspective is positive
Then you will find your place

Seperated temporarily
Only a few months apart
But back together again

I almost had lost memory
Of kissing you
But you resurrected the passion

Now I constantly crave you
Every flaw you think you have
Is only in your head

I crave your lips brushing mine
Painting pictures with our tongues
And your fingers exploring the winding roads of curves

In the most innocent way I crave
Your touch, comfort
You are my hide away

And I have been burning out for so long
But you came back and blew
On the embers, and poked the fire

Dear Penguin of mine
You have no idea what you
Do to me

Maybe that is for the better

I made a bad choice
In mixing up my emotions again
The emotions that tell the difference
Between lovers and friends

I wasn't for sure at the start
But now I know I was dead wrong
Maybe you feel it too
How our emotions just aren't that strong

I should take a brake from
This game of date and kiss
My only issue is the
Kisses I'm going to miss

At this point I don't care who they're with
Or what they mean or what its for
I just need to hold and be held
A little bit more

Yes I sound like a ****
But at this point
If you've been what I've been through
You might understand

I'm always searching for peace
Some sort of resolve to chapters
That never received a clear cut ending
Trying to finish writing a story that I didn't start
Viscously attempting to make sense of it all
Filling in the blanks with timid words
Guessing at how it was supposed to end

I want to be angry
I want to leave everyone behind
Go where no one knows my name
Where guilt and shame aren't forced  on me
Find myself and move on like everyone else gets to do
I wonder what it's like to be able to breathe
To break apart from your past self
To find inner peace

I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone
With their whole heart
To be their first choice
I wonder what that looks like
To be loved with no expectations
Trusting someone so deeply
I wonder what it feels like to be held
By someone who could never imagine
Letting you get away
I wonder a lot of things

There's a shadow looming over
Breathing down my neck
It won't let me forget
It forces me to remember

I don't want to remember
I just want my story to end

I meet you
In the middle
Of September
How could I not remember
That smile of yours

You said that
It wouldnt last forever
But now
Im wishing somehow

It would...

Well this is new
Now I leave bruises too?
On my legs, soon forming
I'll see them in the early morning

Right besides my deep new lines
Made with every fake "I'm fine"
The scars are proof that I'm alive
Oh look, there's another five

Why do I start to lash out and hit
At my own body and have a fit
When did this new self destruction start
When did my body decide to take part

I hit myself when I'm stressed
With the bottom of my palm I regress
I cave back into my shell
My life, each day, a living Hell

Why I hit myself, I don't know
I'm waiting for a sign to show
Why I leave bruises blindly
Daily and nightly

Yes I really like you
Yes, I would **** for a kiss
But I don't think think the feeling
Is mutual

I'm fine with just being your friend
Yes, it does ****
But yes
I do need you here

Friend or not

It's the night before Christmas
The night is tonight
The house is dark
Except for one light

The light belongs to a lamp
Of a small Boy
Who stays up for Santa
To bring him joy

And on this young lad's wish list
Is only one thing
The item a name
A name with meaning

The Boy does not sleep
His heart drums in his chest
For hope that one person
Will come home from the west

Boy watches the time
Tick away on the clock
Minutes turn into hours
Boy's stomach sits like rocks

Next thing he sees is
Is the sunrise set in
Boy gets up to wake his mom
His face holds a grin

He drags his mother down
The cold wooden stairs
The railing smooth under little fingers
Boy stops and stares

Under the tree
Are boxes and bows
The Boy's stocking is full
And is hanging heavily, low

The Boy frowns and doesn't budge
His mother nudges him along
They sit down and open every
Present, which took very long

By the end the boy was near
To tears, his cheeks puffy
His mother petted his hair
Which was Brown and fluffy

Her tears spilt over her eyes
She bowed her head and said
"I am so sorry I can't give you what
You want, I am so sorry Ted

But daddy is over seas
And we'll see him sooner than you think
I promise he'll come back from war
I'm sorry I'm so weak"

The boy cupped her face
In his tiny hands where
She'd been crying and whispered
"But mommy, daddy's right there"

"Why can't I touch the sun?"
Asked the girl one day
"We have gone to the moon and mars
Have other planets lead us astray?"

"Well you see little girl
The sun is too hot for us to handle
If we go near it we burn
Like if you touch a candle"

She frowned and looked down
Wondering how this could be
"How could something hurt you
If it holds so much beauty?"

"Well it's like a shark you see
Wonderful creatures who rule the deep
But if you get too close
Snap! Your arms gone and you weep"

"Roses are beautiful right?"
"Yes a lovely plant that smells so sweet"
"But they have thorns and we pick them"
"We cut them off we sorta cheat"

"Then why can't we cheat our way to the sun?
We cheat on everything else in life
Why not now why not then
We dig our way through with a knife"

I stopped and stared at the ground
Realizing I was going no where
Talking to this odd girl
With the jet black hair

"You're right 
We should trick the sun
Make him let us in
Be the number one

But you see touching the sun
Is like a far away dream
We wish is was real
It's not as simple as is seems

We can never touch that dream
No matter how much we pray
So you see little girl
It is impossible to touch a golden ray"

This girl with the jet black hair
Walked away off the play ground
I never saw her again
She was never able to be found

Flyers were hung everywhere
Saying "have you seen this girl"
The news reported her story
About this girl who was pearl

Six months later
In the river she was discovered
Her body found
Her soul not recovered

So the little girl
With the jet black hair
Is touching the golden rays
Way up there

I gave you all
That I could
It wasnt enough
Never would

So I keep
My head held high
As I whisper
Good bye

The path I walk
Is winding down
Farther it goes
Into the ground

And I hope that
Someday you will see
That you belong
Right here with me

Its a tug of war
With the mistakes you make
And the promises
That you break

I gave up
On childish things
Silly hopes
Messed up dreams

Long ago, I let go
Of these thoughts
Now its not cold
It is hot

I finally feel
Warmer without you
So good bye
My words ring true

I've lost the ones I hold dear
To the other crowds around
The *** smokers and chain smokers
The cheer leaders and class clowns

All the cool kids in the street
Basically everyone that you could possibly meet
Except me, I sit here lonely
Only called upon to be used as a seat

I'm walked on and trashed on
And I don't really blame them anyways
For I am disgusting and weak
Having see my better days

So good bye my so called friends friends
I hope you find what you're looking for
While I sit here and wait patiently
For new friends to walk in the door

But there won't be any new friends
That's the punchline, you see
I don't expect you to understand it
Because that "I" was once "We"

My bed is cold
And I can spread out more
Than I have ever wished
In my short life

I want a love
Tangible and real
Like what I use to have
Before **** hit the fan

It was like a calm
Before the storm
As we fought nearly
On a daily

But in the end
We were in the bed
Together with clasped hands
And tangled legs

But you went left
As I went right
The distance grew
More than we planned

But that's okay
I search for someone
Who also decided
To hang a right

Hazel the eyes which
Stare at me
Asking me questions
Without mumbling a word
Keeping quite across the room
But the intensity still travels to me

Asking questions about
My history and what
Else might trouble me
But questions can be troublesome
And answers just as unclear
So keep sitting and staring at me

But my eyes are staying shut
Right along with my mouth

It's late
The sky covered in a
Heavy blanket
Of darkness and stars
And my head pounds
Each beat whispering your name
Ears ringing and singing
The same

The sound
All through out the house
****** up in the vacuum
Of anguish and pain
It dulls the senses and weakens
The body I reside in
Eyes red from the tears I've shed
And regret taking up the entire room
And pressing itself into me

You never loved me
And I'm slowing starting to
Accept that maybe I
Never loved you either

Hello, poetry
You have changed
I do not like the alterations
That you have made

Yes I will admit
This new form is slick
But a change is a change
And we will still nit pick

I do not approve
Of the lay out here
Where do I log in
And I now fear

When I have a notification
I won't see that bright yellow bolt
Of lightening, the highlight of my day
So maybe I'll revolt

Maybe I'll stop clicking
Away at the keys
And filling this page
With my poetry

But you and I both know I
Cannot stay away
Hello, Poetry, you are my home
And here I will stay

High school will be
The best four years
Of your short
History

But they are wrong
To state these lies
To fill our head with hopes
Just to let them die

It is more like four years
Of mandatory Hell
In small little rooms
With small windows
Where you are told to
Sit and stay
Behave and be quite
Don't speak your mind
Tolerate your peers
Do as we say with no questions asked
Grades are everything
Forget your social life
Your happiness
Mental health and
Well being
It will not matter

High school is beyond
Describable
For I cannot put torment
Into words, it is undefinable

Two and a half years of
Hiding under my Levi's
And cheap, holey sweaters
Jackets, handed down from mother
And gloves made out of toe socks

Two and a half years of blaming
It on the cat, pointing fingers
At sharp cornered desks and
Dogs and messing around with friends
Hiding my secret, holding it close to me

Today, I took of my jacket
And the world, being cruel as it is
Forced me to crawl right back inside
With eyes prying and people touching
And their judgmental, pity looks

But tomorrow will be different
And I wont let young eyes
Stop me from being afraid
To show my forearms
I promise this

It's time for some change
Because I can't go on faking
My smile for fake people anymore
And hiding my body from the world
Because I am beautiful

Or so they say

I watched what the world did to him
Leaving scares on his skin
As he tried to be whole again
With all these pieces missing of him

And laying on the bed with
Tears in his eyes
He watched the ceiling fan go round
Letting escape a heavy sigh

He walked through the arch of his door way
And went straight to the bathroom drawers
There he pulled out the razors
Ready to take away more

I watched the world rip him apart
Into unrecognizable shreds
Scaring him on the inside
Letting his outside become slowly dead

Each slice rips away
A little more of your soul
And you don't see it happening
Till it's cost a deathly toll

I watched the world take him away
Not a care in their head
Until my precious him
Was in a coffin, dead