my pain was sharp, spreading all over
the ones who tried to understand
or to forcibly
make it end.

there was no way
I could’ve described
there was no hope
I could’ve provided
for me or other
human being -
we were all just
waiting
to die.

She looked to me as child to understanding teacher.
I needed not to speak just the nod spoke  all that was needed to say.
The razor met tender flesh as her eye's spoke the true plessure of the sting.

The crimsom trail traced her arm leaving bliss and regret washed clean.
She carved the words so gracfully into her arm her pain gave the passion
to my wicked fire.

She yerned to please and I to embrace the darkness that I pulled from her light.
Such a stupid  creature can they not understand there is no true understanding.
Campassion is a tide of emotional ***** left in a gutter of despair.

Teenage agony did he hurt you to bury your tears in tormented scar and
faded composition book.
The sheep was struck by the snake and found shellter in arm's of the wolf.

Deeepr my dear  I comanded  erase the memory  my smile hidden
cast a shadow over my evil cloud of soul.
Deeper bleed the pain in a moments fatal embrace.

Her eye's met with tears and faded slowley as the **** was sliced how sweet
death a beauty I do adore.

The word cast a scar and a final statement inwhich I did and will never embrace again.
Love cast a crimson pool canndle lit chaos she died a angel  in demons splendor.

As I stood above her viewing the art of her demise.
I read the word carved so deeply in her flesh.
And after the release of a fire to nothing i had to reflect.

Kissing thoose lifeless lips  my smile embraced light.
My stupid sweet girl when will you learn.
Love sometimes is so very lethal as well as messy.

I see your eyes piercing me
I can't accept it
  Your laughing
I grab your neck
Squeeze as tight as I can
But you never lose a breath
  You keep living  
And I'm the one
    Gasping for air
Pulling out my hair
Tormented inside
   can't eat
     can't sleep
       can't see
It was my decision
Why am I the one not able to move on
I start to live and
          I Choke

You’re soft. Smooth.
And yet you want me to break you.
You want my hands engraving red marks into your skin.
Your sweet, soft skin.

I cannot.
But not because I don’t want to.

I spent a long time trying to make you understand
The darkness inside of my head.
I tried every way I could think of
To reconcile it to you.
But each time you watched my mouth move
Entirely unable to comprehend
All the words that were spilling out of it.
Each time I watched your face
When I was upset or in the grips of a depressive spell.
At first you were pained
Wishing you could reach me across this ocean my mind put between us.
But each time after
I watched your eyes
And saw less sympathy.
I saw less compassion, less love
More exasperation, impatience.
You couldn’t understand my world of grey
Telling me to please just see the colors.
But I can’t
And I never could.
You couldn’t understand why I pushed you away
Telling me to just ******* let you in
And I try so hard I give myself panic attacks
But I don’t think I ever could.
You couldn’t understand why I would hurt myself
Telling me it wasn’t an adult way to deal with my problems.
But I lose myself in such a panicked sadness
The only way out is through a blade.
You couldn’t understand why I would want to die
Telling me I should never think that way.
But I am so ******* sick of the constant sadness
Of trying so hard to just survive
That I do think that way
And I probably always will.
You couldn’t understand why I would purposely sabotage our relationship
Telling me to just stop, because I was destroying us.
But I can’t stop
I can’t stop
I can’t stop the fear of ending happiness
Of ending love
And I never will.
I know that I don’t make you happy
Because your eyes grow distant between your long lashes.
I know that I am exhausting
Because I hear it in your voice whenever I begin to tell you
About all this sadness I carry in my  bones.
Nothing feels worse than knowing
My sickness is chasing you further away
And there isn’t a ******* thing I can do
Except hope I wake up from this nightmare
But I can’t
And I never will.