I spent a long time trying to make you understand
The darkness inside of my head.
I tried every way I could think of
To reconcile it to you.
But each time you watched my mouth move
Entirely unable to comprehend
All the words that were spilling out of it.
Each time I watched your face
When I was upset or in the grips of a depressive spell.
At first you were pained
Wishing you could reach me across this ocean my mind put between us.
But each time after
I watched your eyes
And saw less sympathy.
I saw less compassion, less love
More exasperation, impatience.
You couldn’t understand my world of grey
Telling me to please just see the colors.
But I can’t
And I never could.
You couldn’t understand why I pushed you away
Telling me to just ******* let you in
And I try so hard I give myself panic attacks
But I don’t think I ever could.
You couldn’t understand why I would hurt myself
Telling me it wasn’t an adult way to deal with my problems.
But I lose myself in such a panicked sadness
The only way out is through a blade.
You couldn’t understand why I would want to die
Telling me I should never think that way.
But I am so ******* sick of the constant sadness
Of trying so hard to just survive
That I do think that way
And I probably always will.
You couldn’t understand why I would purposely sabotage our relationship
Telling me to just stop, because I was destroying us.
But I can’t stop
I can’t stop
I can’t stop the fear of ending happiness
Of ending love
And I never will.
I know that I don’t make you happy
Because your eyes grow distant between your long lashes.
I know that I am exhausting
Because I hear it in your voice whenever I begin to tell you
About all this sadness I carry in my  bones.
Nothing feels worse than knowing
My sickness is chasing you further away
And there isn’t a ******* thing I can do
Except hope I wake up from this nightmare
But I can’t
And I never will.