Things WILL get better.

Shattered, like you've never been before.
The life you knew, is in a thousand pieces on the floor.
Words fall short in times like theese.
And this world drags you to your knees.
You think your never gonna get back, to the you that used to be.

Tell your heart to beat again.
Close your eyes and breath it in.
Let the shadows fall away.
Step into the light of grace.

Yesterday's a closing door.
You don't live there anymore.
Say goodbye to where you've been.
Tell your heart to beat again.

I've always been the strong one. When everything goes wrong, I'm always the one that tries to make everyone feel better. No matter what the situation is. I've always been this way. Never let anyone see me cry. They will think I'm weak. I have to be strong. Even as a child. Growing up the way I did was hard. So hard. But I handled it. I stayed strong. Like I always do. Ive always bottled the emotions. Wait until no one is around to let them out.  It's as if my catch frase is "I'm okay." And I always say that because I know that no matter how I feel at the moment, I will be okay. I don't have any other options.  I have to be okay. I always have to be okay. I can't be weak. I can't be fragile. I can't be afraid.  I have to be strong. No matter what. This is how I've lived my entire life. But now... After this... I can't do it anymore. I just cant. I tried so hard to stay strong. But I couldn't fight back the tears. So I ran to be alone. I couldn't let them see what they've done to me. Run. Cry. Even if only for a minute. Then put on the strong face again. Because I can handle anything, right? At least thats what I thought.... It's been days now. I can't keep hiding these feelings. I feel like I'm bursting at the seams. So I wait until everyone is asleep, and take a shower. No one can hear me cry or see my tears under the water.  I don't know what else to do. Im trying so hard to be okay but, I'm just... Not. I'm terrified. I'm angry. I'm crushed. I'm falling apart. I'm not okay.

I was so close. So close to my dreams.  Everyone says "stay strong!" But how am I supposed to do that? When all my dreams are gone? I was so close...It doesn't seem real. I worked so hard for this, and it's just... gone?    Just like that? I don't understand. I don't know how or what I'm supposed to feel. I've never been so confused. Why me? Of all the people, why me? Am I selfish? For reaching out of the dust I came from to grab hold of my dreams.. I almost had it! I reached so far, I almost touched it! And it was snatched away, just like that. All my work, for nothing. I thought I could be more. I wanted to prove that dreams do come true. But I couldnt. I wanted to prove that I could actually be somebody. But I couldnt. I guess I was wrong. Wrong about everthing. I wish I could be more.

They told me to shoot for the stars, so I did.
And I was so close to reaching that star, but I missed.
Instead of landing on that bright beautiful ball of light, I ended up in a galaxy of darkness.
With no sun to guide my way.
Not knowing what is up and what I'd down.
Just floating through the abyss.
Lost.
"Shoot for the stars" they said...

I think of what to write, and I can't quite figure it out. The emotions inside my head go crazy with ideas. I see jumbled up words. Angry, hopeless, pitiful words. But I can't quite piece them together. Story of my life. I'm not a poet. Just a person who has so many things to say and no one to hear me say them. But do I really need to be heard?  I never have been. Story of my life. I can't keep typing, I mean, I could. But what's the point. I want to backspace everything. Throw it all away. Because it doesn't matter. I don't matter.
Story of my life.

I'm not the kind of person Who shows "weakness".
I'm  the kind of person  Who hides her tears from everyone. Who cries late at night when Everyone else is asleep. Who has to grab her stomach and bite her nails, Just to hold herself together. Who silently gasps  for air. Who has no one to comfort her because although I have people that love me, they just don't understand. Maybe that's my fault... I don't always tell people what's going on in my head. Sometimes because I don't want to seem crazy, but usually because I honestly don't understand it myself. I have never been able to explain the thoughts and emotions I have, because they don't even make sense to me. How could they possibly make sense to anyone else? But when I do attempt to explain, I'm shut down by "That's crazy" or "Just get over it".  Trust me, if I could I would. That's all I want...

When it hits, I feel as though my thoughts aren't mine. I have no control over them no matter how hard I try....

Anxiety is  having a good day and out of nowhere, for absolutely no reason, you feel as though your drowning. Anxiety for me is wanting to call my Grandmother who I love but don't talk to much, and not being able to because for some ridiculous reason, the thought of picking up the phone and not knowing what to say terrifies me and makes me feel as though there are elephants doing cartwheels in my stomach.   Anxiety is being to afraid to stand up in church, when you really, really, need to. It's not being able to live life because your constantly freaking out, and knowing you shouldn't be and not being able to stop. Anxiety is a voice in your head that reminds you of your weaknesses  and tells you that you can't do things because of them. It makes you dwell on a single word. It makes you dwell on everything.

I refuse not to be someone;

I just want to feel,
           Something;

I saw when it started to hit.
We didn't go out much, you cried all day and never got out of bed.
You stopped cleaning, stopped waking me up for school , and stopped cooking.
But it really got bad when you started to lean on me.
I loved you so much, I just wanted you to be happy.
I did everything I could.
You cried on my shoulder every day.
You started taking medication to help but it just made you act crazy.
You turned mean. Emotionless.
You weren't my mom anymore.
You were a sick person that I had to take care of. Day in and day out. I started missing school because I was afraid you wold hurt yourself while I was gone...
You accidently doubled your medication once, I didn't know what to do. You were slurring your words and talking crazy.  You hated yourself and you hated the world. And I hated the world for making you like this. I just wanted you back. The real you.

I stayed strong. I cried when it all first started. After a while I decided I wouldn't cry anymore because it would make things worse on you. So I turned to stone. You would tell me I had no emotion and that I didn't care. But I cared more than you could ever know. It hurt me so much to see you like that, but I couldn't show it.
But now. . . I'm so afraid. It's been  eight years since i left home and you're doing so much better. I have a daughter of my own now. And my life has been great since those days.. But it's happening. My worst fear. I'm becoming you.
I can feel it. Hitting me, just like it hit you. I can't stop it and I've tried pretending I don't feel it. I don't understand.  I want it to stop, it hurts so much. I lack motivation, I cry all the time, I feel like someone else is controlling me. I'm beginning to hate the world and myself, just like you. Why is this happening? You did this to me! I was doing so good! I got married, had a baby, and made a life for myself! And you gave me this! You never should have leaned on me the way you did, you should have never made me your "rock"! I resent you. I don't want to be you. And now I don't want to be me. I can't do to my daughter what you did to me. But I can't stop it. I don't know how. I'm so sorry that you had to feel this way back then. I'm sitting sorry that you passed it on to me. . .

I have hit rock bottom on many occasions,
But he always lifts me back up.
As bad as things may get,
I will never lose my faith.
You can take away everything from me,
But you can not take my faith.
Faith to me means trust.
No matter what happens, no matter how bad things may be, I will forever trust that God has a plan for me. Everything happens for a reason.

You've had to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders your whole life. It's always been up to you to fix things, to make everything right, and correct others mistakes. You've had to put up with so much. You've always put others first instead of  taking care of your self. You do your best to be a good person. You try your hardest not to lose faith but it's so hard.  You wonder why God would put you through so much, or why he would allow bad things to happen to you. Well, I know how you feel. I have been through all of this, and wondered the same thing. It didn't make any sense to me? If God wants us to be happy, why does he let these bad things happen? I beleve it's because although God wants us to be happy, he also wants us to be humble.  We will never fully understand why he does what he does. But i do understand that from suffering comes humility.  Humility teaches us to be humble. All of the bad things that have happened in my life, have taught me to never take a single breath for granted. To always cherish what God has given me. I have learned to see the good that evolves from the bad. I believe that God has a plan for all of us. A specific road that he wants us to be on, and sometimes when something bad happens, it's God leading us back to that road. Maybe whatever it was, was leading you astray. I have learned to thank God for my bad days as well as my good. Because I know that without the bad days, I could never truly appreciate the good ones.  Never give up hope. Never lose faith. God doesn't give us more than we can handle.