Not to feed
upon
pain
rage
bad vibes
but onto
that free flowing movement
the waves
Remember them?

The waves carry you everywhere
You just need
to let 'em
But it's not easy, I agree

Not to die
Not to fight
Not to obsess
To trust
-hardest stuff-
To think well
and not too much anyway
To live
it's art
you need nothing else
if you get it
you need no further

To drown yourself
in the sound and the love
in your million doubts
hold them close
do not let them eat you up

To drown yourself
in waters only giving access
to other realms

We are back
but there's something off...
You are shutting my mouth with love
I am cutting my limbs with devotion

He said, "what I feel for you is real"
(The resolution knocking on the door...
My future in a fight, playing chase with me)
and it sent shivers to me
happy to talk to him
He said, so many things
He pulled me forth as he always did
I was happy to have him, but my limbs...
Ah! My heart!
Now I'm trapped in between
myself and him
myself and him
really?

The weather forecasts
a summer of unbearable heat for us
Scorching feelings
and surprises all around

We won't perish this I know
we will surely have a ball
we will thrive in the chaos
we might die but we'll be reborn

A summer of the heat you bring to me
Of blue eyes and thrills
A summer that we can't foresee
"This is going to be different", we won't forget in years
The weather forecasts a wave that will stay here

Big waves! Change!
And the eternal always remains

Ice cream and friends
and the chaos of the present there
Seizing me close, losing my breath
Kisses that spring and the rabbit hole
Drowning my hands further on
Lick the world like it was yours

Love, love, love
that elusive charm
And the weather forecast
as an empty, filled with ever omen

My ****** side never went fully away
Now I am at peace with myself, yet
It keeps me away from potential threats:
that world you inhabit that I never get

All my dissatisfaction distilled through you
all my bitterness taking unexpected shape
it's not real, it's a figment of my bad ways
although reality is hard to explain]

I close myself inside my shell all too well
Dying to open up but I fail
They lack something I crave
Red flag - my love is the one I can take!

And I say, I need my aliens with me
where do they live?
Maybe we were knitted by chance
and 10 years you can't just overlook
and now I don't merely exist
so our relationship shifts

I am not who I was
Now I've got a true human form
and alien weapons to knock you down
I am a weird creation, I know
Patchwork girl in the prowl

I am shutting all the windows - opening the door
I wish someone came say hello
but I feel good in my very own road
I am settling down - it is dangerous as ****
but no other way but carrying on

I remember your eyes, nearly in tears
A ****** Mary statue is watching the scene
She heartily approves of this...two weirdos at 17
I remember another time
That thankfully will never come back

I remember playing Taboo at our friend's house
I remember broken laughter
Having nothing at all
But I hadn't seen light
I merely held a bulb

And now you talk to me, and I feel strange
Again
You don't know the path I had to walk
To get
How to tell you what has been?
I am taking the wrong side again
I cannot even dare to think

How to tell you about how much I gained and I lost?
My mind bends and distorts
The river I crossed on my own
The hell I had to endure

So I felt odd talking to you
Good, but not as good
As I felt following
the soft curves
As I feel now and did not do
As I simply let go
of myself and find my soul

Weird times for me
Are they going to be over?
Never ever could have I thought of this
A sudden burgeon of me

Weird times of creativity
Am I going back to what I've been?
I don't feel what I did, sometimes I feel
it's the end of this

No no, I'll never be my former self
The best part of all this is that
I'll never go back

There is a gap in between
is it you, or is it me?
Where does this lead
It hurts to see it die like this

Are we troubled and should we heal
in each other's hands (neck kiss)
or shall we give in
to what's below our feet
in my case, being swallowed by his lips
giving in to life's curse, setting us free?

I am not the most experienced woman in the world...
but I can feel something might go wrong
so slow, it feels good
so slow, that we might crash soon

We could be everything
and I really want to believe
but many nights under the covers
it is him, it is him, it is him

We love each other
we build a dream
what would we be
were we not you and me

And you are water
but he is fire!
And you put out the blaze
until the next time

And they say leave one of them
do not play games
I am not playing any games
I am trying to get it straight
but I get lost, in the way

I don't see **** clear
but the Thames will surely speak to me
Omens will appear
in the form of clarity

What if, what if
What about, what about
Words seeping out of my mouth
The fear is so big
But there are big enough to fear

What if I have been bound all the time
which are the ropes and how do they tie
around my arms
Have I been bound forever
am I bound back?

I want you so much
I want it so bad
The more I push
the more it gets far

This is not love
and it won't get you anywhere

A fly interposes in my view
Promises to clear up but all she does is to blur
Self discipline in the face of this rigid chaos
Which is not love!

I gotta keep an eye on myself
Not to **** up again
The pile of failure is so thick
sky length

Chase the Sun - does it work?
Tao in my way - but is it my own?
My terrible tendences
I never fully catch them
What is the secret to this ******* mess?
Can't let them catch me again

What is it about men
what's wrong with them?
Why do we rotate around - if they never respond?
We love too much, never get back
We gave it all, you never grew up

Is it the zeitgeist, the sign of times
or what is it like?
why all of you look so fine
but break hearts despite
and you stay all perfect in one piece
because you never dared to bleed
Is it Tinder? Is it capitalism?
Is it Catholicism? Is it egoism?
It is despair? Is it the true nature of ***?
Is it the loss of family values, is it ****?
Tell me, then!

Why do we fall hopelessly
it's not commitment it's not a ringwish
Affection and closeness - all I need

Girl get free!
don't fall prey for his tricks
do not ever sink
under the spell of
unknowing the true nature of love
Which I can't express, but I can know

I touched sky, with your hand
But you never dared to fly, stayed in the ground
We could have been bigger than the world
But you didn't want

Girls let's get free and get away
we don't need them to feel great
Keep your fears on check
Never run away
Don't let yourself be played
though

What about girls and men
in the XXI century?
How to make sense of this topsy-turvy?

Love is a threat
love is a danger fix
scary to be in
scarier to never be

We were watching Happiness
Alone in the dark
We got so hot we could
not hold it back

When under love's spell
Your rules and prisons are bent
You break your hidden doors
Discovering something lying ahead...
Moans high like heaven

When in love
you see things a different way
New senses everywhere
New realizations sent

When deeply in love
You can catch the world
And see the motions you never saw before
The colors they change
You read the signals
In a new fangled take

But I broke way too fast

Now it's a whole different day
Although love remains
And I find myself thinking
the crazy things I did

When in love
A little spice at the door
Thoughts they go crazy
while having fun...

When under love's influx
I lost touch with it
Even with myself
In favor of something else...

But oh God the good love
It's this life's true taste
All that we aim for
Unstable true happiness

But oh God the good love
It's a kiss on a long long night
It opens your eyes
Shows from you a side
you didn't know you had

Tell me where do you draw the line

I have no idea where it goes
what I'm building or what I want
But I am going further on
I can't stop
And I want him, I think this is safe to say
is it a flower of one day?

I've got problems instead
the fireflies want to go astray
they linger in my *******
and if I call them they go away

I have no idea what I'm doing now
But I can't go back to your house
I was getting free, but
I always **** up in some way
Feels like this is a crashing delay

Let me open my wings
I will fly
give me time
I am so deeply afraid
of this bunch in my chest
this arousal leading nowhere
this obsession holding me down
I just want you
I do - pardon my knot
it hurts it hurts it hurts

Black magic - you come at my side
White magic - you live your LIFE
and I live mine
Black magic, never wins
White magic, pushes my lips
into a smile...and a peace inside

Black magic - paralyzing thoughts
White magic - LOVE

A crime - to obstruct the shine
Oh these people
hush their mouths, shut 'em down
**** their noise that impairs
the eternal sound

Oh, they are the worse!
They keep the white from being born
breaking like dawn
All the chatter clatters, clutters around
And mixes up with my heart

Oh **** these ugly stricken thoughts
-they are yours!-
thoughts leading to unrest
Oh **** your evil doppelganger
oh **** these judging strangers

I'll hide in bed with you
We will be saved from doom

Because love is that intuition
stemming from reality, it is the a bright feeling, a clear sum
Not the fear-driven gut
that belongs to your family
Not the hysterical bout
that shatters -for a moment- the world
Intuition is heart and mind, to each other bound.

And I learnt about whiteness in your arms
I learnt about life.
**** that stupid, unflowing stranger ***** outside.

Why can't I just buy the idea
that you love me back?
Why so much hassle for that magnificent fact?
Always seeing some tiny speck
of dirt in the picture
always something spoiling the fun
Why can't I surrender
for once and forever?
I love you - why always a hint of a shade?
You love me - why so unable to accept?

You make me feel whole - nothing left to add,
nothing left to say

Want to know why I did not die?
Because I did write.
Want to know why I survived?
Easy - because I write!

I was 13 - I was lost
and I wanted to **** myself
I wrote a letter to, but instead
I had a story to be told
my own...though I did not know...
a brain to arrange - my feels,
my thoughts
Art up, broken child!
Bleed onto the page and go drain the pain!
Do something! Make sense!

The night was threatening and I could not sleep
Everything so sharply and hurtfully real
I touched life and oh, ****** blisters
all over me
Opposites coming close
I am the mixture of them all

And my soul was shabby and in ruins
I could not tell what was me and what wasn't true,
so many times
Nothing was clear but the soreness
I felt, yet that was the proof I was there, too.
Art up, broken child! Do not lick the wound,
stitch it with a few rhymes!

And there were faint rays
of what could be
The kiss I never got these days
The dreams I had that got delayed

Later, the flow got stopped - because I got clogged
All pain, all emptiness, all doubt
Frozen inside, fetters outside - caught up
I decided to retreat because I could not be
yet I thought I was striving to be freed
Had no certainties at all, so my mouth I shut
so my power I shunned - I was blocked

So I can never shut up
without shutting down
And my words came back at me
as soon as I entered again the scene
I am here because my pen never sleeps
Therapy can be expensive but notebooks
are cheap

Yet now sometimes I feel so full
My pen is bloated in it too.
And we lie happy, satisfied,
just seeing things go by,
just wanting to be by your side...

something big
goes on when I don't write

To carry on in the day;
yearning for the night
like a child I wait, we wait,
for everything to fit in, come right
a beautiful bow ribbon
on the gifts of today
we were given this, nothing more,
nothing less, nothing else.

And I write just to stay alive
It's not false, but nothing like
that ******* light
sometimes it dawns on me
sometimes I dawn on it
oh God, won't close my eyes
I waited
unconsciously - while I just am.

The girl that had never watched Breaking Bad until this year
So many things that I've missed
But I had to walk apart, another path
The girl who wasn't there, but other place, when everybody else did
The girl that is not from this place
But she's starting to find a way
The girl who had never been kissed and loved so much
The girl whose eyes WIDE OPEN now
Her life has just begun
For the time she lost, she's making up
Waiting for her life to turn out
The girl that like a butterfly
needed time

You left me for good, for sure
You are not here anymore
And I love you
But I am starting to scatter
to flutter
there is magic that you diseminate
but you are starting to wane

The inertia goes
and there is a standby in my bones
a peace I didn't know
This is nothing but a wasteland, but...
I wish I could truly love...

My mental liaisons seem so real
I could feel him in my bed for a little bit
The  old cold is seeping through again...
but it was the prelude to really sail...
I am thirsty for what I can't touch
I live for the ashes, if I can't have the fire

Are you coming back? Are we?
He won't be here
And neither will I be

We should aim together
for the same
We should be friends
We should be comrades
In our lives - to merge
we should be all that
but we aren't

A life without the other half
seems incomplete and broken down
is boring and in fact it lacks a lot
But...

You use us and never say a word.
Apps made to break our hearts.
Say "I love you" then **** next girl
Clandestine dates and overlooked days.
I've had enough of this, and I'm still fresh.

What the **** do you really want?
I want to stay,
but the only way, as usual,
is away
and without
but in my bed!

Away from you, from your pain
I have my body for myself.
Woman going her own way.
Because you don't play my game.
And I don't play yours anyway
**** called to an end if things are not my way.

Away from my scars,
that I will heal in time.
If you don't want me,
I can put up with it:
none of you will cure my illness
my terrible disease, if it exists
Loneliness does not exist
Am I still ill?

The pen casts a spell
to each of our little pains
Charged with our ache,
distills into peaceful stillness,
a final and blissful end
(Words indeed do save)
Humans saving humans,
this is true heaven, truly being blessed

Words can't contain a world
Ironic fact that I wrote
Words are nothing but a road
leading to the higher

Words are not the thing itself
The thing itself needs nothing else

The cancer is not fully extirpated
It died inside my body instead
I watch it like a dead corpse
but indeed, once a time it was

I still breathe it...I can feel it
it is gone but forever kept
Not with nostalgia or regret
Just like one watches something dead

People don't write poems about things like this
They are not the things that really make you live
but they can be what makes you die

The pressure in my head, the doubt inside
They threaten me with insecurity
They threaten me with fickleness
Because it's not it what I'm fighting
but myself

A dream thrown to the garbage bin
Somethings I never was, will never be
My life goes through odd rivers
and I sweat the fever
the first moment I encountered it
because that's what it does
I see better in the darkness,
because every light burns brighter?
My mind operates in strange
motions

Am I sure about what I'm going to do?
I was, until you came and shot my true dreams.
You shot the meaning out of me.
But it's not your fault, hear
it wasn't you but me

What do I want from life?
All I want is to be free and keep breathing
And get away as fast as I can
But I must pass this test before
The otherness creeping under the door
to my eyes

I must do something
but what I love I cannot do -my mind binding me-
and it's the only thing I can do! -my fate showing me-
This is what I feel
is my problem now

If you must leave me
then I'll let it be
I am pushing to my death
so I can breathe

I am at a lack of words
Overwhelmed by what surrounds
My war begins at home
My war is my own heart

If we must break
the tears will fall down my face
but I'll let it happen
with all my pain, but I'll be there

The more I hear you
is the less I can't believe
how things turn out to be
I can't believe he cried when he saw me the first time
and now he shrugs me off like that
How he spins, he kills me slowly like this
The clash the confusing clash
between caress and stab

"We grow up", said my friend
But I don't really think it accounts
for this amount
of pain

I have been stripped from grace
But at least truth is clear, showed its face
You wrong, stupid, sick, insensitive man
Stuck in your own ****** mind
Where numbers are over people
Where my man is a killer
Where people have no fear and that's a bad thing
Where you must be normal else you're a ******* freak

I might forgive you
but expect no Christmas cards from me
the day I am free
You are so full of ****
You hate tears, you hate me
I hate you back. We know. Let's not conceal.
You hate the perceived weak. You know nothing about life.
You have never been the bright, ugly places i've been. But "Never is a promise".

I can forgive you.
Can you forgive me for my sin:
being me?
Trying to live?
Being sick?
Life is exactly what you don't think it is
You forced yourself so much, but you don't have to.
My arms are open. Are yours?

Sixteen again, in a way
No cuts in the outside, but I fear
the spell of these days
over me

Wrong man
he ***** with my head
The spineless girl, she laughs at my face
I don't wanna get drunk in pain
this way

He makes my crazy wheels run free
What do you know, wrong man, of the long path of pain I treaded? Of all the things I have defeated?
Of how it all spins the way it has to spin -
how pain is at the core of everything

Wrong man:
he's made of iron and Steel
he's proud he cannot feel
he's rotten but he cannot see
Blindness is his way to live

Hear him and his speech
of bile and hate towards everything!
No disabilities, no caring for others for him
Things gotta be the way they gotta be
******* if you cannot fit

The spineless girl - she's tricky to me
who she is really? I confided in her so many times but oh!
Wrong man comes and switches her around
she says yes to anything, she switches dramatically

Wrong man and the spineless girl, the couple everyone wants to be
A dream for those who cannot see

Wrong man says I should thank him
that he pays for me!
Wrong man is so sick
to the bones of him

Wrong man, wrong man
is there any chance for you to change?
to become human, be granted a heart of flesh
you did once, but did you do with all you are?
It's true: keep paying and I'll keep struggling
Alone, without you
as I have mostly been

I am thankful to life
but you showed how you are inside
I won't ever forget this, probably

What happened the months
preceding the disaster?
What made it detonate
what compounded the bomb there -
it's still unknown, we need to investigate
it's not only about the mess I made

We need to go back, without going back at all!
Are you brave enough
because I am
and I will defeat Gods
and anything in my path

I watched my evil patterns
My evillest one: focusing too much
on you, dear
on my empty slots
I am open to anything - are you?
Do you have what it takes - to come through

What happened these awful days
where you cracked under the pressure
and I cracked under your name?
My mom said you need to get away
from something I could not tell

And we have to try new ways
to thrive and stay sane
stay alive

Xeplion advert and I fix my eyes
"you cannot go further than that"
I am watching it and I am just a child
lost in the jungle pitch black
of my mind
A life broken, a life begun
Xeplion advert - now I can reconstruct
I became a ****** flower
no you can't play with my power
no you can't **** with me
you can tame but never extinguish
the fire in me

You had me, boys
You had this mad girl losing it all for you
(inhibitions, mind, fears too)
But I will end up alone because you are no good

You had my will, my body, my heart
I gave it all for you, you left a mark, but
Would I die for love
instead of bleeding for love?
It's something I wonder a lot
I guess I would, if I knew you were true

Because I showed you my everything
it's the way I work, all or nothing
I showed you the wounds, I showed the joy
But you lost me, boys

It hurts in my late bed
but I am okay, I guess
It doesn't surprise me at all
the world's not worth a thought

The madwoman speaks:
you could have had me, it didn't take much
I think
*******, I say
I am so hurt at you I can't be kind
The ward is taking hold of my soul
it kicks you ******* out

So many memories
of sharing pain and joy
Memories
that you shrugged off
but...

You're back after a long time
what a glee when I saw your name again!
Carefully caressing each other's wounds
in the cold cozyness of lonely rooms
Discussing everything
My little cheap psychologist

You're back and we still at that
Living in a maze, talking about affairs
Our lives they carry on, they never stop
I'm glad you're back to watch them flow
with me
To swim in an ocean of passion, trouble, love.

You're back and it's joy for the heart
Dear friend, get a seat.
Let's begin, how has it been? How it was?

Ghostly appearance that feels so real!
You're back, dear.

****** grew up
she got herself a man
and a disability card
****** grew up
and she's not yours anymore

****** grew up
her life has changed
did you take advantage
not of her age
but of her winter?
Did you want her locked in your cell
was it convenient for you?
Well, the winter's gone
She's not the girl of your dreams
She's the woman of your desires

****** grew up
but always in your heart
always in my heart
the girl she was

but you can't take it anymore
the fact she grew up
it was going to happen
as soon as she left winter
and you were summer
but now the summer's burning
and you are not the flame

the beautiful, deadly winter
the place where she lived
the comfy, White walled, mind crowded Winter
where she still lives
but now put a handful of pepper
and a handful of flames!
would you take it better
if summer had a girls' face?

It was nice, keeping me in a jar
It was nice, helping me out
what were you?
a wolf? a friend? a ghost?
true love? My Humbert Humbert?
all of this? and even more?

Did you really know me
(because you do)
did we build something more
on Spanish lessons and kisses by wire
did I lead you on
well, I'm partly guilty
and not guilty at all!
we were friends! not lovers anymore!

****** grew up
but always in your heart
always in my heart
the girl she was

What light do you throw to yourself?
You are not guilty of your feelings
but you must abide...
I cannot, either, forget our past
But I must move on...

****** never grew up
but she's not yours anymore

Friend
or
foe?

I've been your ---, for so long
Now it's hard to take those words
heard through other's lips...

You've been here all the time
Were there anytime the tide was high
and i couldn't swim and i couldn't move

I see you hanging on a thin thread,
not even saying hello.
Putting a distance, for health of your own heart.
I also thought I'd wait for you forever.
But he got in my way...

And you were there
and now this man pops out of nowhere
takes away from you your ----
but it's not like that...

You tried to protect me from life,
it was such a sweet thing from you.
But you can't enclose the fields,
you can't wave life goodbye.

Your -----, that's me...
a bond no one understands
but the both of us...
and who cares
because we are heaven
just like him

Can't you see that
you can have a thousand lovers
and a few friends
and that you crossed the barriers of me
unlike anyone I meet?

And you were there
and now this man pops out of nowhere
takes away from you your ----
but it's not like that...

Because our relationship was always special,
and will always be.
I see you standing there,
having a rough time.
I see you standing there,
but we will learn from this.
You won't be left behind.

You are the easy answer
You are a tinsel cilice
you are full of meaning
you are not the solution...
unless we take a resolution
You are the easy path
getting lost in my problems
writing poems
but it's a maze, leading nowhere
You light me up
What is this fuss about?

And I see you again,
and I know I will sin
but I know also right now
things are not what they seem.

The mind is wider than you and me
I will never forget you, but ah,
I see ****...
And I know other lips...
I want to kiss you, but dear
your tinsel cilice made them bleed.
I'm trapped between bodies.
I don't mind if I die like this.