I'm tired of everyone I love leaving.
I'm tired of loving people who could never love me back.
I'm tired of being lead on.
I'm tired of not being wanted.
I'm tired of feeling ugly and worthless.
I'm tired of being on this earth.
I'm tired of being just an option.
I'm tired of being a "plan B"
I'm tired of this sadness.
I'm tired.

"Court, you can't die with him. You have to let go."

But what if I need to?
I can't go to that coffee shop without losing my ability to breathe, as if I was hanging next to you.
I can't  listen to "Chasing Cars" with thinking about lying next to you and forgetting the world and myself.
I see your cousin at school and I see so much of you in him.
I can't go to the movies without wishing our fingers were intertwined.
I see flowers on the side of the road and all I can remember is your parents in all black kneeling at an alter in prayer.
Snow globes, hot chocolate, super hero movies and all the things that reflect us pull me through our timeline and remind me that I can't bear to look at rocks without seeing your name in that stone.
I can't drink coffee without tasting your vanilla kisses.
I can't look at ropes or strings or laces or ribbons without seeing your body hanging from your ceiling.
You used to leave me with smiles and stupid jokes but on October 13th, all you left me with was our history. And now its slowly carving my name into a rock and that's all I've ever known about letting go.

I guess now that I'm happy I don't see the world through metaphors
I don't speak through paragraphs
I'm not fascinated in the seasons changing
But maybe it's not that I'm happy
Its that if I keep writing about how much it hurts that I have my name engraved in a bible while you have yours engraved into a stone then I'll never leave my bedroom floor.
Its the fact that my mom told me I can't die with you
Its the fact that I don't want to live in this world but these are the cards I was dealt so I have to.

Christmas is not the same anymore.
I have to buy flowers instead of the watch you wanted.
Christmas became different when you hung from that rope
and God I don't think I can ever eat another christmas cookie, go to a Christmas party, or open a present without remembering that you're lifeless and covered in dirt.

I just wanted to thank you.
His absence has destructed me.
His absence left me on a path that only went downhill.
His absence broke me completely.
His absence turned me into recluse.

But you saw that broken me and held me in your arms.
You helped me carry that weight.
You taped all the broken pieces together.

No, you didn't fix my life, but you made waking up a little more bearable and I can't thank you enough.

Put down that blade.
Put down that bottle or pills.
Don't you dare tie that rope.
Please stop.
I know you think you don't matter.
I know these days are getting hard.
I know you feel like God gets pleasure out of messing up your life.
I know you think no one will care, but you're wrong.
You're smart.
You're attractive.
You're funny.
You're weird but the best people are.
You're body is perfect the way it is.
You are not defined by your grades, your acne, your clothes, the scale, your imperfections.
You are beautiful and valuable and amazing whether you think you are or not.
If you are looking for a sign to stay, let this be it.
Please stop. Stay here and breathe and love life because your body loves you, feel your heart, your body loves you enough to keep it pumping.
So drink your favorite tea and go to sleep to your favorite movie in your favorite PJ's and wake up tomorrow and smile because you are still alive and you have so much to live for.
You will make it.
Stay here.

Merry Christmas.
I still miss you so much.
I know you hate that casket because your claustrophobic and it makes me sick that you have to be in there forever.
I hope God gives you that book you always talked about, and how much you wanted it.
If I'm being honest I was going to get it for you for Christmas but I never got the chance.
I hope God gives it to you.
All I want this year is you just 6 feet closer and for your cheeks to be red from life again.
The distance is still too much for me. 6 feet has never felt so far.