This moment was never mine
But somehow I found the arrogance to hold onto it
To fear it, to fight it, to somehow decide if it was wrong or if it was right
or if I was even alive inside it, and if I would survive it
To see the next one roll around and drown whatever fragile solace I found.

But before the answer finds me, the next moment and I meet.
And this one isn’t too keen to let me believe it’d be okay to just breathe
Without thinking about the million little reasons I'm too scared to leave

So I’ll stay
And I’ll huff and I'll puff
But no amount of breath will ever be enough
To satisfy the divide between my lungs and my mind

Whatever moment is next to be, but I guess it’s not meant to be
Because I never find the next moment, it always finds me

But there doesn’t seem to be any peace in this fresh start
Only faster thumps from my restless heart
Telling my fingers and knees to shake so violently,
The pillars of sand beneath my feet dissolve back into the sea
And leave me bobbing for air like it isn’t free

And then a new moment hangs its noose around me
and tightens an iron grip around my throat
taunting “think fast kid, dead bodies don’t float”
But I can’t let go, so I just sit there and watch myself choke

And just when the oxygen no longer comes
A new moment claws its way down to the pit of my lungs
Digging up an old ladder with a new set of rungs

I’m still alive, right?
The wires are crossed, but they’re still clicking, the gears are still spinning, clock hands still ticking,
So why am I so incapable of winning?

Which moment am I living in?
Or maybe there’s not much difference between now and then

But before my mind and I can make amends
A new moment interrupts and begins it all again

Send help, dear friend.

I'm not gonna miss you,
you are always
in my mind,

when I fall asleep
at night,
I will just remember
we lay under
the same stars.

I will take a piece
of your beating heart,
and make it mine,

so when we are apart,
I will not be alone;
you may be far
but never gone.

I'm not gonna miss you,
but your kisses and hugs,
your smiles that struck
like lighting
in my eyes,

I'm not gonna miss you,
but the way
you make my days
complete,
those feelings
that always bring me
to my knees.

I spoke those words, and
immediately almost choked on them
I always second guess decisions,
usually I conclude I made the wrong one

but with you it felt right, at first
now I'm only left with doubts, and the thought
that maybe it was all too soon
because there's only silence between us

you rarely open up to me
yet when you do, I feel loved
the moment is always fleeting
with you, it's  either feast or famine

now I am scared to death to even talk to you
I'm scared that I might've lost you
scared of what you'll say, or not say
when all I really want to know is...

do you feel the same way about me?

My brother told me that cats purr because
it means you’re close enough to hurt them.
Their motors running, vibrating throughout their bodies,
their guards lowered, lying on their backs,
allowing someone to come close enough to harm them,
all the while keeping a position to protect themselves.
And I don’t know if what my brother said is true,
but I think we as humans have a way of purring too;
And we call it falling in love.

i'm trying to make memories with people who won't **** me but you're still there, and maybe you're always going to be there, and some memories do not heal for they are too powerful to drown in the ruin of myself and your poison is still lurking in my throat. nothing terrifies the marrow in my bones more than knowing that you are the pain in the back of my mind, and it has been six months since you left me dead, six months since my poems were all written on the moon instead of dreaming of the stars, six months since you slurred that you swallowed tablets to detox me from you, six months. you. you are your smirk, you are your dumb pick up lines, you are your flirtatious text messages despite the lack of a relationship we hold, you are your stupid ******* rocker jeans and the way your eyes used to glint in the navy shade of 4am, smoke curled along the edge of your lip, your hand reaching for the belt loop of my jeans. nimble fingers hold guitar picks and make music as opposed to love and there was no love there at all, just the idea of it embedded in your teeth and in my hands in your hair and the smell of art and lust and strawberry chapstick and the wreckage of my being up in flames.

is my blood still lingering on the cracks of your lips? have i stained you?

your breath is hot on my shoulders
heavy
with pomegranate juice
purple drops of condensation on my skin

your face
drips of rosewater
tears never salty
or reminiscent of the sea

always sweet
always of spring

Make eye contact a second too long
Don't smile

There it is.

He'll see white knuckles, gripped edges
A piece of universe between her
shoulder blades

He'll feel a supernova, gutter groans
heat of the heavens in a flash

Look away, and back
there it is. Waiting

You just seem so sure.
Of this.
Of us.
Meanwhile im over here
waiting on my wings
to pick up wind
and waiting on you to be
disappointed
because ive engraved the words
"disappoint or be disappointed"
into my brain
with sword of experiences
and i just dont see
how youre so sure
and calm
while im
just
*******
terrified