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i am only
just pretend
like an
imaginary friend
there is a me
somewhere
that exists
but i don’t think
anyone has
ever been
introduced to her

i play games
with myself,
with strangers,
friends,
lovers,
with family,
coworkers,
and others

i don’t take
anything seriously
and it eats away
at my stability
it tramples me
with insecurity
and keeps stimulating
my curiosity

i’m like a cat
waiting for something
bigger
and better
to **** me
but looking at my watch
time never stops
and none of these
******* got
bigger *****
they can’t get this crazy
**** down
long enough
to set their clocks
they just keep
******* and wishin
they could touch the scars
i have gotten
from all the times
i’ve reached up
for the stars

yeah, i’m really ****** sick
and i don’t know what to do with it
i could let it break me
or let it take me
where i really
want to go
up high
down low
back and forth
to and fro
i’m gonna puke
i think i’m dead
where’d i go?
which way is home?
where’s my mind?
what’d i do?
oh ****
oh no
 Mar 24
Arlo Disarray
uneasy

getting

queasy

feeling
pain
again

when i
thought
i’d
have it
lemon
squeezie

maybe
just for a moment
i felt alive
i felt feels
i felt…
real

and now
i’m
just screaming
down an empty
hallway
listening
to
the echos
of feelings
that brought
me hope
on
all my
bad days

and i’m
yet again
standing here
on a chair
with my neck
hugged by
a rope
waiting
to dangle
and tangle
and struggle
and say
“i’m sorry”
as i choke
out
“goodbye”
because i’m
tired of saying

“hi,
here is my heart
it is
well used
and heavily
abused,
but if you’re
still
into it
and
amused,
let’s get
together
and search
for
the light
beyond this
hole
in my heart
let’s stop
and start
and
then
never stop
again”

i don’t
ever
want this
connection to end

you can push me aside
but at least
continue to be
my friend
because my
stupid heart
doesn’t even
know
or
understand
a life
where you
don’t
exist
and
i just
want
to know
where
we stand
and for you
to realize
how much
you are
always missed
when you
pull away
like this
fuuuuuuucccckkkkkkkk
 Mar 16
Arlo Disarray
we’re just
two pieces
of ****
waiting for
our turn
to get flushed
down the toilet

two unhinged
weirdos
communicating
through poetry
and thoughts
that aren’t quite
complete

and maybe there
are still pieces
missing
and this picture
can’t be
fully seen
for a while

but ******
*******
or not,
****!
you make
me smile

and when i look
up at the moon
and he’s smiling
too
and it’s happening
while i’m
thinking of you

the fork in the road
makes me hungry
and i’m trying to figure
out what
i need
to satisfy this rumble
in my tummy
i can’t have
my cake
and eat it too
but i
don’t care much
for cake anyway
i’m more of a pie
kinda gal
 Mar 8
Jellyfish
An apology isn't an explanation
It took me until now to get it.
It's upsetting how blind I am
to my own hypocrisy.

I've always wanted acceptance
and felt it was an essential need,
I'd break down each time
My parents couldn't apologize

They'd bring up excuse after excuse,
"It's my belief," "I'm not wrong," "this is my side..."
I hated them for this
But had my own way of doing the same thing.

Does this mean I'm the narcissist?
I'm the selfish, arrogant. awful person
I saw reflecting back at me
Through my family?

These thoughts creep up on me again and again,
They make me want to crawl under a rock,
Become dust and eventually drift away
at least in the wind I could change.
 Mar 7
Don Bouchard
As we wait beneath the mountains
For the passes to clear.

The river fills in torrents
As the horses and the men grow thin.

Feats of winter thriving
Fade in the springtime starving.

Birds fly high above,
Finding open water beyond us.

We wait in wonderment.
The dogs sense danger as we eye them.
Thinking about Lewis & Clark and William Shakespeare (Hamlet)
 Jan 17
Jellyfish
When I die...
Will you visit me sometimes?
Wearing a nice suit,
Would you leave flowers by my name
and say a few words to get through a bad day?
 Dec 2023
Jellyfish
Everything is connected,
I feel like a volcano that has been dormant
but want to release all of my tension.
I want to show you my emotions;

So you can see I'm not a doormat,
I just keep my feelings below the surface,
It's resulted in my body doing the same
Which is why I'm in constant pain.

My trauma has created tunnels of magma,
I can't tell where they end or begin
It's frightening and leaves me upset,
There's no one I can share this with.

I hope for one day to lay out my feelings,
Let everything flow;
Like tears, they'll roll out of me
Covering everyone I've allowed to see

Then will come the tricky thing,
to never bottle anything again.
I don't want to reap havoc on them,
I want to stay empty and peaceful

To know where I end and begin,
It would solve something, wouldn't it?
But I feel like a volcano.
Physically and within.
The mind and body are connected.
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