it's crazy how
a year and two days ago
I went on my first date,
a year ago next week
I had my first kiss
and
it almost killed us,
a year ago next month
I did something
I can't decide if I regret or not,
and a year ago this July
I leaned that I was head
over heels for someone
who was already three steps
ahead,
moving on.

I used to stay up all night
driving through pastures
in a sweetheart's daddy's jeep

I remember the moon in the woods
through the trees like a girl
running in white *******

Like a boat losing its shadow
to the wind, you can lie
yourself back into bodies
you never touched

What love there was
flashes by like chrome
on a fender skirt.

My face is not that of beauty queens

                the indention in my forehead
                         shows that clearly

My hair is not as shiny as most

                        ***** brown and limp

My neck is not that of starlets

                         I have a double chin
                          when I look down

My chest is not that of a model's

              I could pass for a man right there

My stomach is not a six pack

                              having babies
                      stretched me too much

My bottom is not smooth at all

                      stretch marks all over

My legs are not that of a dancer's

                              chicken legs
                       I've heard them called

My mind is not that of Einstein

                      I'm still learning everyday

My heart is not made of gold

                             there are days
                the blackness comes through

My soul is not white as snow

                       it is tainted with life
                   harsh words thrown to it

I attempt to overcome my faults

                       walk as though I have
                    nothing to be ashamed of

But in the back of my mind
There sits the forever
                          Not good enoughs...

It pains me just to hear your name
Three years later and it's just the same
I can't even say I wonder anymore
The tears still fresh like they've just been tore
Your body can't feel the pain
It's just the voices inside my brain

Not even there and yet--
I hear you everywhere

What did I do WHAT DID I DO?

Sometimes in winter...when it's warm indoors,
I open the window a little bit to let air in.
I love that tingling feeling of cold air on my skin,
For some reason it awakens me
A little reminder that I can still feel.
Is that weird?

I've always been told not to say my wishes out loud
So I live in a secret wish
It can never come true
Nor can it be told
Every day, I live in this wish
It drowns me
This dream, this wish
I can touch it
See it, hear it
But it can never be mine
I'm consumed by a wish
A fantasy, a thought
I've shed tears and begged the heavens,
My fist have beat the very earth
Still,
I wish

False accusations
Stories and lies
Are these words against me
Merely a disguise?

Trying to cut me
Down to the quick
It's rather obvious
I make you sick

Over the last few months
The trust has been shattered
I always loved you
But that never mattered

It's always been
About sneaking around
I'm looking for love
In the lost and found

Hoping to find
A discarded jewel
One that won't make me
Feel like a fool

I'm sorry to say
that we've reached the end
So long my love
To myself I must tend

The air breezy today, but the sky
Blue.

The sun out today
And my sleeves rolled up to.

The grass vivid green
The bees flying for a while.

The kids are all in school
Learning uneducations style.

Poets are writing
To let their feelings drift.

Lovers are making love,
Some are cheating, getting away for now with it.

Cars are driving pushing steel
Drivers in a hurry.

The squirrels outside, take natures ride
No longer do they worry.

The pollution down on the other side
Of town makes its debut.

Bars down the road filled with drunken loads
Hurt and pain, filled with cigarette ****'s.

Streets cracked, cement chalked
By the little ones who don't care.

I wish I was young, again not to stress
Of the adulthood that I've arrived to here.