sit and listen to the quiet
it's outside the christmas norm
because now, when all is silent
it's the calm before the storm

the kids are upstairs sleeping
you're resting, sitting with a drink
in a few hours ...storms a brewing
it'll push you to the brink

the kids are up and yelling
paper wrapping all around
until the house is empty
no more rest today is found

the kids are outside playing
hockey games out on the drive
you just look around and wonder
if the day you will survive

next, arrive the in-laws
re-gifting what you gave last year
and good old uncle charlie
bee-lining for the beer

bad jokes and boring stories
arguements about the past
snide comments and back handers
how long will this all last

you sneak outside for a quick drink
grab a smoke on the back porch
if it wasn't your house they were in
the whole **** thing you'd torch

phony smiles and airy kisses
and the folks are on their way
the storm is almost over
for another Christmas Day

the kids are in and up in bed
there is silence once again
the calm once more before the storm
tomorrow, your folks come at ten!!!!

If you grew up in Canada
Or in the north of The States
You know of the rules
Road hockey creates
shoot the ball wide
and it's your turn to chase
Keep shooting wide
And you'll surely lose face
Keep the stick down
don't slash and don't hack
Or once this game is done
You'll never be back
Don't run up the score
Don't shoot for the head
You can shoot at the nuts
But, if you hit them...you're dead
It has it's own language
It's a world different by far
And there's more game to play
But right now......CCCAAARRRR!!!!

I've picked on all those Christmas sweaters
and the letters we recieve
I've written about Santa and the Angels
and the things we all believe

But, I have never ever written
About the food we choose to eat
I've never picked on Christmas Turkey
and all the other kinds of meat

At our house for our Christmas dinner
We'd get turkey, maybe duck
It was always something different
And it wasn't just to save a buck

One year we sat down to dinner
something different every year
we had pig, goat and chicken
and one year we sat down to deer

Birds of every sort have fed us
We've eaten things I can't describe
But, with every meal we drink a little
to **** the taste, we must imbibe

One year we had some seafood
Drumsticks there to be had by all
Octopus, was on the menu
It fell off a truck back in the fall

To tell the truth , a Christmas Turkey
Is not something that we get
I love the surprise at the table
Eating what we've not had yet

What we get, our dad runs over
most times squirrel or a deer
We get more food when he's been drinking
So we always send him out with beer

I know that we once had rabbit
Thought it could have been a cat
Another Christmas Dinner surprise
And that is all I'll say on that...

Merry Christmas...enjoy your turkey

I was one drink in on Friday night
I heard the church bells 'cross the square
When the barkeep signalled next one's free
And to me, this was quite rare

There was Billy, me, two drunks and Sue
and a waitress name of Shirley
She said "that bell just rang on sixteen times"
I said "that means it's early"

the bell rang on four days one time
found a cat locked in the tower
sister mary nice as pie
thought our bell had found the power

she ran through town spouting off
how Christ has come again
when it was a 42 pound tabby cat
making out like old big ben

the pastor ran to city hall
you see he'd lost his keys
someone had to stop that noise
made by a fat cat full of fleas

fourteen rings meant two o'clock
fifteen meant half eight
eleven meant eleven and
twenty one meant you were late

it hadn't rung for fifteen years
then the new pastor came to town
I never really trusted him
he wore a smile, not a frown

i'm here to bring the church to you
i'm a pastor of the people
I laughed when I heard him say this
I wasn't going near his steeple

the church had been built catholic
turned Lutheran for a bit
United, Pentecostal too
And then the Baptist group bought it

they had a real fine choir
did great shows, and fixed the bell
it hasn't rung right since that day
Now the Baptists left as well

They run a new age service now
you know, electric candles and fake wine
confession is a long dead ghost
and you get penance points on line

they don't hold service Sunday's
the pastor, he sleeps in
they pray together through the week
and to me that is a sin

the bells go off eight times a day
sometimes nine, or even more
they keep the pigeons from the square
and shake the paint right off the door

I sit and worship faithfully
at the bar, with my drunk friends
with some cotton ***** for our poor ears
to use until the **** bell ends

i'm one drink past the last one
we've bet on how many times the bell
will ring in the next hour
you can never really tell

For now, i'll stay here drinking
with the gang here and the cat
he's deaf as any post you'll see
but he's still near twice as fat

he can't hear the bell's loud ringing
oh.....twenty three...this one's on me
maybe next time will ring sixteen more
and i'll get another beer for free.

There's carollers outside my door
With the dreaded Christmas curse
They sing and sing and sing and sing
But, they only sing ONE verse

They ring the bell beforehand
All stand back and start to sing
I'm gonna do some rewire work
So my doorbell does not ring

They're from the church
They're from the school
They can not sing in tune
I can not wait for Boxing Day
I hope it gets here soon

They sing for cans of goodies
They open up their souls
I just wish they'd learn the whole **** song
Or they'd just all shut their holes

They come out every evening
They come out every day
I bet they've never heard a jingle bell
Or even ridden in a sleigh

Now, I like Christmas Choirs
It's not that I'm a Grinch
But, learn the words before you sing
It really is a cinch

It's a partridge in a pear tree
Not a bird stuck in a bush
These two cent hacks are able
To turn the nicest songs to moosh

Just knock and stand back silent
For three minutes, silent stay
Then I'll give you all ten dollars
So you will all just go away

T'was the night before Christmas
And with everything done
The kids were all dreaming
Of Christmas Day fun
The tree was completed
We had wrapped all the toys
When from the basement below
We heard a faint noise
I sprung from the couch
Took off down the stairs
On my way through the kitchen
I tripped on two chairs
I slid down the staircase
To the base of my house
And there with my shortbreads
Was a ****** great mouse
My wife followed close
And then she let out a shriek
She saw me and the mouse
And she started to freak
He nibbled the cookie
and he ran past my nose
right down my torso
Then he stopped at my toes
My wife was still screaming
The mouse didn't care
He continued his running
On under the stairs
I crawled to my workshop
Grabbed the first thing I found
A mallet for pounding
That mouse in the ground
I limped to the staircase
And I swung at the wall
I again lost my balance
And again, I did fall
I put two holes in the riser
Two more in the tread
I was gonna keep swinging
Till that mouse was dead
I broke the one lightbulb
That lit up the room
Now I was worried
I couldn't see...found the broom
I stepped on one end
Squared my self in the sack
I then heard a noise
The mouse had come back
I heard his slight skitter
As he went past my feet
He was off to the larder
For more stuff to eat
I went back to the workshop
Tripping at least three more times
I would finish this mouse
He would pay for his crimes
I grabbed for a lighter
And my large propane torch
I would hunt down this mouse
And his **** I would scorch
I lit up the propane
And I aimed at the stairs
It caught light on the carpet
And I burnt both those chairs
The flames went on upward
The stairs were quite dry
I laughed in hysterics
That **** mouse would fry
My wife had recovered
And decided to run
but, after seeing the flames
She phoned up 9 1 1
The mouse left the building
In fact, he never was found
The house burned in seconds
It collapsed to the ground
And through the whole scene
I just stood there and laughed
At the wreckage before me
And I thought, **** I'm daft
I had ruined our Christmas
And I burned down our house
Over a **** shortbread cookie
And one little mouse
The kids, they got out
And were wrapped up and warm
While I was creating
My own perfect storm
The gifts were all ruined
The house ...all consumed
And over my head
One large question loomed
If I had gone for the shotgun
And shot at the mouse
Would I be still having Christmas
And would I still have a house
My wife came on over
And she gave me a swat
She said "look what you've done"
"you great stupid ****"
I learned a great lesson
and folks ...it is that
Once I rebuild
I will then buy a cat!!!

The Christmas season is upon us
With lots of things to show
NO THERE ISN'T , YES THERE IS
And the best of them's the Panto

**** Whittington and Aladdin
Are two that I've forgot
But I've heard that they're amazing
YES THEY ARE, NO THEY'RE NOT

A tradition every Christmas
The Panto finds the kid
Inside every one who witnesses
NO HE DIDN'T , YES HE DID!!

Actors dressed as women
Silly fun for all to see
NO IT ISN'T , YES IT IS
And lots of fun for me

There's nothing like a Panto
To make the people yell
NO IT DOESN'T, YES IT DOES
It's a laugh for me as well

This year I chose my Panto
I'm going to see the lot
So, I will wish you Merry Christmas
I WILL SO, YOU WILL NOT!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND ENJOY THE PANTO IN YOUR AREA.

Santa sat and looked about the mess that lay before him
"How will I get these gifts all wrapped and gone by Christmas morning?"
The workshop looked as though it had been hit by a Tornado
But instead it was all the fault of *** he brought back from Tobago
A little shot in the elves egg nog would make them all work faster
But, as he saw the end result was short of a disaster
The more they drank the more they all got up and danced on tables
And in the end elf Juniper was left wearing only labels
She looked quite good despite her age, she was just about six thirty
And what she did with candy canes...well, you can say it was quite *****
The paper stretched from room to room, many miles were unravelled
Santa looked at the mess again, and thought "It's high time that I travelled"
He left the North to make a trip to hire cleaning staff
But , turned the reindeer right around, because he knew they'd laugh
How do you tell a person that you are about to hire
That the mess that they will soon clean up, is because my elves were wired
Santa thought that magic would be just the way to go
He would use it to clean up the mess, and nobody would know
The only problem with this stunt is that magic has a rule
He can only use it Christmas eve, it was not his private tool
The toys were strewn everywhere, and most were broke or nicked
He would have to wake the elves all up and to start things getting fixed
So, if you wake up Christmas morn and there is nought beneath your tree
Don't worry, Santas late, he should be there by three
He left a little late this year, but he will be by real quick
And he swore to never serve elves *****, or his name is not Saint Nick!

THE STORY OF OUR SAVIOUR'S BIRTH
IS ONE WE'VE ALL BEEN TOLD
HOW THREE WISE MEN CAME FROM THE EAST
THEY WERE BEARING GIFTS AND GOLD
THEY TRAVELLED FAR ACROSS THE SAND
FOR MANY DAYS ON END
AND WHEN THEY WERE ABOUT TO QUIT
THEY SAW IT ROUND THE BEND
T'WAS NOT THE MANGER THAT THEY SOUGHT
FOR IT WAS OUT OF SIGHT
BUT WHAT THEY FOUND WAS JUST THE PLACE
WHERE THEY COULD SPEND THE NIGHT
THE SIMPLE PLACE THAT THEY HAD FOUND
WAS MADE OF MUD AND STICKS
IT STILL SURVIVES ON TO THIS DAY
IT'S NOW CALLED MOTEL 6
THEY SPENT THE NIGHT
AND THEN MOVED ON
TO FIND THE KING OF KINGS
THEY NOW HAD MORE TO GIVE HIM
WITH ALL THEIR PRECIOUS THINGS
THEY WERE RACKED WITH PAIN
AND HAD A CHURNING IN THEIR BOWELS
IT WAS CAUSED BY GUILT YOU KNOW
BECAUSE THEY'D STOLEN THEIR ROOMS TOWELS
IT TOOK TWO WEEKS BUT THEN THEY FOUND
THE MANGER THAT THEY SOUGHT
THEY CAME ON THROUGH THE LITTLE GROUP
TO SHOW THE GIFTS THEY'D BROUGHT
THE FIRST WISE MAN, HE GAVE HIS GIFT
A SMALL CASE MADE OF GOLD
"IT WAS LOVELY TO LOOK AT AND REAL NICE TO TOUCH"
"BUT I BROKE AND T'WAS SOLD"!
HE LAID IT DOWN BEFORE THE CHILD
AND HE MADE A LITTLE SPEECH
HE SAID "MY LORD, YOU'LL SOON GROW UP"
"AND THE WHOLE WORLD YOU WILL TEACH"
FRANKINCENSE WAS THE NEXT GIFT
THAT THE MAGII DID LAY DOWN
"WE'RE NOT SURE WHAT IT'S USED FOR"
SAID THIS WISE MAN WITH A FROWN
THE FINAL GIFT THAT THESE THREE GAVE
WAS MYRRH AND THIS I FEAR
IS SOMETHING WE THINK PEOPLE
ALL DAB BEHIND THEIR EARS
A BETHLEHEM STAR REPORTER
WAS WRITING IN HIS PAD
"THE CHILD LOOKS JUST LIKE HIS MUM"
"HE DON'T LOOK MUCH LIKE HIS DAD!"
THE BABY JESUS ROSE TO SPEAK
AS THE MAGGI LEFT FOR ROME
"MERRY CHRISTMAS GENTLEMEN"
"HAVE A VERY SAFE TRIP HOME"!

We all know about Rudolph
and how his nose lights up the night
And olive, the other reindeer
Who help Santa with his flight

But, there's one who is forgotten
From the Christmas songs and rhymes
And I think you should hear about him
Yes, I think it is about time

Randy was a reindeer
He liked to play the reindeer games
But he too, was like Rudolph
And the others called him names

Randy, wasn't much at flying
Didn't like going out most nights
Randy, well, he was just different
You see, he was afraid of heights

He couldn't see where he was going
Either in the day or night
You see Randy needed glasses
He had a problem with his sight

His balance was in question
Always falling to the ground
If a reindeer falls in the forest
Does that reindeer make a sound?

He had a skin condition
He needed special cream to help
The harness didn't help him
In fact, it made him yelp

He was shorter than the others
And his stride was a bit off
And when Santa came to see him
Randy had a nervous cough

He didn't like the female reindeer
He liked the males, more than he should
Randy was "light up in the antlers"
And to Santa, that's no good

Santa couldn't fly with Randy
Randy's name, it was all wrong
It screamed out Broadway not of Christmas
It didn't work in all the songs

Santa said "you're a strange reindeer"
"You can't fly, you're blind and gay"
"And if you led my team out"
"We'd not be done in just one day"

"I'm sorry, reindeer Randy"
"I have to cut you from the team"
"They play one side,you're another"
"If you know what Santa means"

So, Randy, he just wanders
Round the north pole all the while
Bumping into things and falling
With his light antlers and strange smile

He's not a famous reindeer
And I think that it's ok
That Santa has a reindeer
Who, we now all know is gay.

I've more New Year's behind me
now that I have gotten old
My next one's in the tropics
I just don't like the cold

I used to party hearty
I wouldn't get back home till five
Now, I pass out on the sofa
My wife checks if I'm alive

I remember  I went drinking
I got drunk riding the bus
When I told my friends the story
they said, dude, that wasn't us

I told them yes it was,
We all stayed out till late
They informed me of my error
I had passed out just past eight

New Years was  Lombardo
New Years...it was **** Clark
Two giants of the evening
Two men who left their mark

Now, incentive to stay up till twelve
To see who will Jenny McCarthy kiss
well, I liked her better as a playmate
now, I couldn't  give a ****

The morning will still get here
Whether I stay up, or not
New Year's eve is nothing special
I spend it with my wife (she's hot)

We cuddle on the sofa
Fall asleep as if on cue
With our tray half full of finger foods
We're asleep by ten, not two

I wish you Happy New Year's
My best wishes all are sent
If you stay awake past midnight
Call, and tell me how it went.

Why is it that some parents
Think that it's okay
To name their children Jesus
If they're born on Christmas day?

They name their children badly
Christmas names just do not fit
Imagine Frosty Watanabe
I bet he feels a twit

There's rules that must be followed
Jesus is not the name to use
No matter when your kid was born
He's not the leader of the Jews

We knew a J.C. Fitzmorris
When I was a kid in school
Said his name was Jesus Christ
To us, that wasn't cool

Poor J.C. took a beating
When he said that name of his
You see, no one did believe him
I felt so sorry for old Fitz

Holly Berry, Frosty
Snowflake and the rest
Are just not names for children
These names just aren't the best

Your child will just hate you
If you name them by the season
A friend of mine named Cupid
Is in therapy for this reason

So, please don't name them Jesus
Rudolph, Frosty, even Nick
There is only ever one of these
And your kid will feel a ****

But, if one night three months from now
The Holy Ghost pays you a visit
I think Jesus might be a good name
It's not so bad now...is it?

If you've never pulled some tinsel
Out of your cat's ****
Or cleaned up after "Fluffy"
Eats the poinsetta and throws up

Surely, you've redecorated
After "Fluffy" climbs the tree
You hear it smash into the floor
In the morning, about three

You've used wire to support it
Keep it straight, that is your goal
To "Fluffy" it's her present
It's her brand new scratching pole

When the tree has got no water
But, the cat just has to ***
You have to fill the bowl again
Beneath the dying tree

You kick ornaments around the room
And find out that they're glass
Because "Fluffy" had to play with them
So, you kick her in the ***

It's a Family Christmas Ritual
If you're the owner of a cat
You can't decorate and leave it
She won't have none of that

Christmas is the season
For cats to drive you mad
And give you Christmas memories
You wish you never had

So, if you've never seen the tinsel
That the cat ate just last night
You can see it just below her tail
If the light just hits it right

This is why I have a dog....