There was a knocking on my bedroom door
It was almost ten past three
I thought it was a dream, so I
just ignored it...went to ***

I came back to my bedroom
And in my corner chair
Sat a Christmas ghost I'd seen before
I acted though he was not there

I looked at him and then it dawned
You're number three of all the ghosts
He said that nothing much had changed
The others were working up the coast

He said since his last visit
I'd gotten somewhat worse
And that the chance of my salvation
was far outnumbered by my curse

You don't believe in Christmas
You're not one we can change
On a scale of one to ten sir
you're not even in the range

The others figured what the heck
You go, you don't need us
It's only been one Christmas
So, there's no need for us to fuss

He told me Scrooge, you're awful
You make what skin I have left crawl
You're so close to the bottom now
You'd have to go up just to fall

I told him you're mistaken
I donate, and then...what's more
Scrooge is my next door neighbor
He's one house down at forty four!!!!

My daughter came home sunday
And pronounced as loud as hell
I got married on vacation
And there's plenty here to tell
From now on it's a new thing
At Christmas, here's the test
Before we eat our dinner
By a rabbi, it is blessed
Her mother, not the sharpest
Thought a bit, and with a grin
Said, if we sit down with a rabbi
Would he truly , well...fit in?
My daughter said, well Mama
The man that I just wed
Is jewish so I'm changing
I felt a pounding in my head
From now on a menorah
Would be needed in the house
My wife said, no more pets here
Your brother has a mouse
My daughter said, no mama
It's a special, holy thing
Where you light up eight blessed candles
And enjoy the holiness they bring
My wife, said, Oh I knew that
I was testing, that was all
I'll put one on my shopping list
I'll go and buy one at the mall
My daughter then continued
there's other changes that will come
I just stood there, headache pounding
I was feeling deaf and dumb
The Christmas Tree will have to go
No turkey, kosher food
No crackers or old stockings
They may think of these as rude
At this point I exploded
No Christmas Tree, no way
Little girl, this is my house, my dear
Now, listen as I say
The tree will be as always
In the corner by the fire
the stocking hung with tender care
With nails and picture wire
The turkey will be 20 pounds
At least, stuffed full of bread
Kosher food, if served here
Will be only if I'm dead
Christmas is my holiday
It's in my house, where I am boss
And I say we have a turkey
And pray to Jesus on the Cross
A Kosher Kristmas in this house
May never come to pass
We can celebrate at your new home
Got it straight, my little lass
In my house I'm the ruler
So don't come in with something new
In my house we are Christian
And we celebrate a jew
We will welcome your new husband
To our home at Christmas time
But, while you're in this dwelling
The rules in force are mine
If you want a Kosher Kristmas
I think it is a good idea
If you celebrate together
But you do not do it here....

Not being religious,
There's a question I have
that has puzzled me since I was ten
My parents divorced when I was quite young
And I guess I thought of this then

Christmas is the story
Of the birth of our lord
Yours, mine, I'm really not sure
But I often thought hard
And it bothers me still
What is Jesus' tie to a store?

Retail it seems
Makes Christmas seem right
As long as you get what you want
But I don't understand
The connection between
"made in china" and three ghosts who haunt

But back to my question
It's one I must ask
Since my parents got divorced in a court
If Jesus' father is truly our God
Did he ever get sued for support?

Don't worry it's not what you think
Another tale of woe
Of Tiny Tim and all the rest
And the ending we all know
Scrooge and ghosts and la de da
They do it in one night
But, that was Charles Dickens way
It's time we got it right
Nobody works the way they did
The poorhouses done and dusted
If Scrooge was here and lived today
You know he would be busted

So, I'll bring you up to date on this
And Scrooge can come on too
It's been a couple hundred years
Let's make this carol new

Scrooge had let Bob Cratchit go
Due to labour laws and stuff
He didn't have a union
But old Scrooge had heard enough
Every year the same old thing
And every year he cries
It's only for one day each year
At least till his kid dies
So, Scrooge was sitting home alone
Checking files on his screen
Debtors owing money and
Re runs of Mister Bean
Scrooge kept his accounts on line
So he could work on them at home
He got more done here anyway
He felt more comfortable  alone
While surfing through his evict notes
A pop up screen appeared
It said "I am The Marley Virus"
And Sir Scooge, I should be feared
Scrooge cursed the interruption
He thought the virus was a joke
But, when he tried to clear the screen
A face appeared and spoke
Right there before his rheumy eyes
His partner showed his face
Ebeneezer hit delete
But Marley held his place
I'm not a ghost like olden days
I'm a virus now you see
I've moved into the future
And Scrooge you must hear me
You will not get a visit
From three ghost like stories old
We've gone hi tech, it's apps you'll get
And your story will be told
Three icons will be on your screen
Once I have told my tale
You'll click on each of them in turn
And you'll ignore all your mail
Each application will come forth
And will take you back in time
Remember Scrooge, the end result
Could be the same as mine
But, Jacob, I'll delete them
I'll run a scan and then reboot
The reason for your being here
Will then be surely moot
Marley let a piercing howl
And he left Scrooge with his screen
The were just three icons there
Where his desktop once had been
Scrooge clicked one, it opened up
It was Christmas past for sure
A video of Scrooges life
Was playing now, and more
The background everchanging
Showing Scrooge in younger days
When greed and avarice were not
The ruler of his ways
Remember now, we're modernized
No ghosts, so all went well
Scrooge remembered all the good times
As far as I can tell
The video ran on and on
It showed Scooge when he was nice
He thought you know when all is done
I might just watch this twice
The screen went black, the music stopped
And two icons took their place
He clicked on icon number two
And he opened up it's case
Donation links appeared at first
To charities galore
But Scrooge just passed on over them
In fact he showed them to the door
He saw the files of eviction notes
And of receivables and charts
He knew that he would lose one day
And the next, would need to start
To work on all this quickly
Year end would be here soon
He'd evict all of the deadbeats
And then they'd sing a different tune
He saw pictures of Bob Cratchit
Of his family and his brood
Of their meager Christmas Dinner
And the apparent lack of food
He saw how they were happy
How just together meant so much
And beside their electric fire
He saw a tiny crutch
He watched the clip and saw the pics
And in the end it warmed his heart
But there was still another icon
And this app must play it's part
You know where this is going
So, I would drag out the tale
But, in the end all his possessions
Went on line for a huge sale
He clicked upon the icon
And all his files reappeared
And then ...right before him
Each account slowly disappeared
Written off, deleted gone
No money did they owe
The ledger had been vanquished
No balance did it show
This took almost two hours
Each entry in the wind
All accounts forgotten
All eviction notes were binned
Scrooge, we know was changed then
We heard he was a better man
But, in truth he only changed one thing
A new virus protection plan
Remember, it's the future
And corporate greed is still around
And no accounts will be forgotten
Till Scrooge is six feet in the ground
I know you know the story
You want him nicer in the end
But, if that's the way you want it
Go watch the movie once again!!!

I WENT BACK TO THE CHRISTMAS PLAY
I HAVEN'T BEEN IN YEARS
AND JUST LIKE  ALL THE TIMES BEFORE
I BROUGHT ALONG SOME BEERS
IT WAS MY YOUNG SON'S DAUGHTER
WHO I HAD COME TO SEE
SHE WAS BETTER THAN MY SON HAD BEEN
SHE WAS WISE MAN NUMBER THREE

THE STORY, IT REMAINED THE SAME
OF JESUS AND HIS BIRTH
OF HOW THE ANGELS CAME AND TOLD
TO THE SHEPHERDS HERE ON EARTH
THE BOY WHO PLAYED THE ANGEL
WAS SUPPORTED BY A HOIST
HE WAS EXTREMELY NERVOUS
WHICH MADE HIS WINGS QUITE MOIST

HIS NAME WAS DAN AND HE WAS FROM
A TOWN OUTSIDE OF WHEELING
THE HOIST GAVE WAY AND ALL I SAW
WAS DAN SINGH ON THE CEILING
HE LANDED SAFE, THE PLAY WENT ON
AND NO ONE WAS THE WISER
UNTIL A WATER PIPE DID BREAK
AND STARTED SPEWING QUITE THE GEYSER

I SAT AND WATCHED WITH MY YOUNG SON
WE KEPT IT TO OURSELVES
BUT ONE WISE MAN WAS SIX FEET TALL
AND MADE THE OTHERS LOOK LIKE ELVES
I THOUGHT BACK TO THE  TIMES BEFORE
OF HOW THE PLAY ONCE WAS
IT NEVER REALLY WORKED OUT RIGHT
AND WE NEVER KNEW THE CAUSE

BUT HEADS FELL  OFF AND DONKEYS PEED
AND ANGELS LOST THEIR WINGS
BUT THESE WE ALL EXPECTED
THESE WERE SURELY SPECIAL THINGS
THAT MADE EACH PLAY DIFFERENT
EACH PLAY BECAME IT'S OWN
SPECIAL LITTLE MOMENT
AND EACH ONE STOOD  ALONE

NO ONE PLAY WAS PERFECT
BUT NEVER WOULD WE SAY
WE RATHER WOULD HAVE STAYED AT HOME
THAN COME OUT THERE THIS DAY
REMEMBER NOW, SOME YEARS HAD PASSED
SINCE I FIRST SAW THIS SHOW
F/X HAD NOW BEEN ADDED
AND THE BABY'S CRIB, IT GLOWED

THEY TAPED A BABY CRYING
TO COME OUT FROM THE CRECHE
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME EVER
JESUS CRIED LIKE DJ FRESH
THE TAPE THEY USED WAS BORROWED
BUT THE KIDS THEY DID THEIR DUTY
BUT IN THE BACK, BEHIND THE CRYS
WE ALL HEARD "SHAKE YER *****"

I CLOSED MY EYES PERCHANCE TO THINK
OF TIMES SO LONG AGO
OF FIGHTING THROUGH THE TRAFFIC
AND DRIVING IN THE SNOW
I LOOKED ACROSS AND THEN I SAW
MY SON HAD DONE THE SAME
I WONDERED THEN IF HE THOUGHT BACK
AND IF THIS  WAS JUST A GAME

THE PLAY WENT ON WITH OUT MUCH FUSS
AND WE ALL STOOD UP AND CHEERED
FOR EACH AND EVERY CHILD THERE
AND THE FEW THAT HAD REAL BEARDS
I SOUND AS THOUGH IT IS A WASTE
OF TIME, BUT THEN AGAIN
NEXT YEAR I KNOW THAT I'LL RETURN
TO WATCH FROM EIGHT TILL TEN.

I WENT TO MY KID'S CHRISTMAS PLAY
I GO THERE EVERY YEAR
IT REALLY IS A SIGHT TO SEE
THOSE CHILDREN FREEZE WITH FEAR
THEY ACT THEIR LITTLE HEARTS OUT
THEIR FACES RED WITH RAGE
ALL THIS HAPPENS PRIOR TO
THEM GOING OUT ON STAGE

THEY DO THE SAME PLAY EVERY YEAR
IT REALLY IS A CROCK
LAST YEAR MY KID WAS A WISE MAN
THIS YEAR, HE PLAYS A ROCK
HE CAME HOME AND HE PRACTICED
HE READ THE SCRIPT WITH ME
I THINK HE WAS MUCH BETTER THAN
THE KID WHO PLAYED A TREE

THEY ALWAYS USE A LITTLE DOLL
TO PORTRAY THE CHRIST CHILD
THE WISE MEN ALL HAVE NIKES ON
IT'S REALLY SOMETHING WILD
POOR JOSEPH HAS A STUTTER
AND MARY HAS A COUGH
AND WHEN SHE PICKED POOR JESUS UP
HIS HEAD AND LEG FELL OFF

WE SIT THERE AND TRY  NOT TO LAUGH
THE KIDS THEY TRY THEIR BEST
BUT WHEN THAT HEAD ROLLED OFF THE STAGE
IT PUT ME TO THE TEST
IT HAPPENS EVERY CHRISTMAS
ONE NIGHT FROM EIGHT TILL TEN
IT'S AWFUL, BUT NEXT YEAR I KNOW
THAT I'LL BE BACK AGAIN.

A friend dropped by my shop today
looking for some grooming muck
I told him where to find it
And that he was just in luck

I said "is it a present?"
He said "no, it's for me"
I said, it's cream and shaving gels
You're talking stupidly

He told me that he manscaped
What the hell is that I said
It's a man's way of new grooming
From his feet up to his head

He told me he got waxed "down there"
I cringed and just said ouch
With out hair on our *****
Men just slide off of the couch

He said he kept himself real clean
In case the situation did arise
where his tan lines were quite visible
and showed white down on his thighs

He talked to me of ointments
and of implants in his pecs
i started going la la la
when he started talking ***

i told him do not tell me
of the grooming down below
we're friends, but there are some things
even friends don't want to know

i told him that my father
told me keep it clean down there
and never, ever, ever,
take a scissor to that hair

a woman wants a manly man
and i am certain of this sir
a woman will not ***** you
if you're prettier than her!!!!

Alice was walking
At the back of her yard
when she spotted a gnome
well....standing guard
she knew she was gnomeless
she had a ball and a stone
but there in her garden
was a short, stocky gnome
he knew that she saw him
he tried not to blink
he stopped all his breathing
this'll fool her i think
she walked down the garden
stopped ten feet away
looking close at this person
who was dressed in green gray
she thought, this is crazy
a gnome in my yard
it was then that he moved
and he held out his card
she looked at the writing
it did her no good
it was written in gnomish
and only gnomes understood
the stare off continued
and then she asked loud
who are you, you gnome you
standing so proud
he said, i am biffles
at your service i am
in the back of your garden
here in East Ham
she said, why my garden
what is special to you
about my dear roses
and my runner beans too
he said, that a meeting
of the higher up gnomes
was being held there that night
there were elves and some pixies
and some twenty odd sprite
they were there all around her
though they couldn't be seen
watching her closely
in ten shades of green
well, biffles ...young sir
what is your job while here
you aren't at the meetings
what do you do my dear
i am sargeant at arms
when we're here or at home
i guess you could call me
(wait for it)
yep...i'm a guardin' gnome

My feet are flat, my eyes are bad

It hurts for me to run

"you've checked out fine" the doctor said

"You're in the Army, son!"

It makes no sense

They can't be right

I've even brought a note

"Stop staring son, and shut your mouth"

"'before I cut your throat"!

"But, Captain....sir"

"I'm all 4F"

"There's no way you'll want me"

"Put your arm down, boy, stop salutin'"

"I'm a Sargeant, don't you see?"

"I'm an NCO, a working man"

"Not a pencil pushing geek"

"I own your life, you're mine now boy"

"You long haired, hippy freak"

"I've got ten weeks, to shape you up"

"I'll teach you how to fight"

"Now grab your gear and follow close"

"And don't lose my tail lights"

"Welcome to the forces folks,"

"Now repeat after me"

"I joined up of my own free will"

"I'm here voluntarily"

"Select your bunk and grab some sleep"

"Your new life starts at dawn

"Forget about the world you know"

"Now, all of that is gone."

I hit the bunk and closed my eyes

And was just falling asleep

When in the room I heard a noise

"Wake up, you  long haired creeps!"

I jumped on up, as did we all

Saluting was our mission

"Drop your arms you maggots..now"

and assume the position"

"Push-ups lads, that's how you'll grow

"to respect just why you're here"

"Right now, though I don't smell courage boys"

"Right now, I just smell fear"

It took us almost half the day

To do ten that were right

If this alone would do me in

I'd be dead before tonight.

I had a fight once with my wife
I threatened her...I'll leave
She said...then I'm coming with you!!
That kinda defeats the purpose
So, we don't fight anymore !

I had a fight once with my wife
I threatened to stop cooking
She said...then I'll cook
I figured, if that happens we'll starve
So we don't fight anymore!

We don't fight about ***....

I looked into my mirror
Saw my grandad looking back
I wondered where'd he come from
And how'd I send him back

I didn't see myself there
And my dad's not there at all
I know I saw my grandad
My dad...he's not that tall.

I know I've got dads smile
And I've still got my own hair
But, staring from my mirrow
I saw my Grandad standing there

I know it wasn't me there
I do not look that bad
The face in the reflection
Was looking pretty sad

I know I have his aches and pains
And in my head I am still me
Like I said, my dad is shorter
So....who the hell'd I see?

Dangerous roads
and starless nights
a/c out
and faulty lights
squeaky brakes
a seat that bites
you can take your truck and stuff it

endless circles
lonely bi ways
without a net
on the highway
it's time that i just
did it my way
you can take your truck and stuff it

you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
right there where the sun don't shine
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
it's not your life that's on the line
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
right there where the sun don't shine
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
i'm on my way....and that's just fine

paperwork
time delaying
canvas straps
constantly fraying
you ***** to me
but i hear naying
you can take your truck and stuff it

life's short
i'm not waiting
takes too much
to keep berating
i'm getting *******
and we're not dating
you can take your truck and stuff it

you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
right there where the sun don't shine
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
it's not your life that's on the line
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
right there where the sun don't shine
you can take your truck and stuff it sideways
i'm on my way....and that's just fine

This  morning eating breakfast
I saw an image on my toast
Was it peanut butter?
Or did I see the Holy Ghost?

I looked again and noticed
that it just looked cold and plain
Was I seeing things I shouldn't?
Or was I going...well,...insane?

I've a picture in my basement
Of the Madonna, and it cry's
I think a pipe behind it's broken
But, it just comes through the eyes

I'm not very religious ...But, I know...
there's been a message sent to me
I know this 'cause I read this
"Did you get the message?" in my tea

I was working in the garden
And I saw the face of God
It was green, and slightly muddy
In a twelve foot piece of sod

I've seen images and icons
And to prove I am no slouch
On Tuesday, I saw Jesus
He was sitting on my couch

I know I need to speak out
To prove I'm not here to deceive
But, with what I've seen here lately
It's **** hard to not believe