today is your birthday.
a year ago today we were on the phone,
at this exact time.
5:00am.
we had been talking since 9pm,
but time flies when you're having fun,
or in my case,
when you're in love.
i remember exactly what we talked about.
how much my parents loved you,
and how much your mom loved me.
how badly we wanted to have our families meet.
and how bad we had always wanted to go to florida.
together.
or go to universal studios
and take pictures in front of hogwarts.

yesterday i watched your instagram story.
and guess where you were?
in front of the hogwarts castle.
i know i can't be mad
or shocked that i wasn't invited.
you're touring with your new best friends.
meeting more people.
more girls.
prettier than me.
better than me.

however, we exchanged our first words in months.
i snapchatted you to say
happy birthday. a civil thing.
i didn't think you would answer,
so it nearly gave me a heart attack when your name popped up.

"thank you so much, lex. miss you."
that's all you said,
followed by a yellow heart.

i know you don't miss me,
and that was all out of pity.
maybe you want to feel better about leaving me behind.
maybe you know how badly i'm hurting.
but,
maybe you might actually miss me too.
i doubt it though.

boys like you don't love
girls like me.

boys like you don't kiss
girls like me.
not anymore at least.

The first person we love,
is often the person that
shows us pain.

i know it's been months since i spoke to you,
but i've been thinking about you a lot.
we used to be so close.
we'd facetime,
stay up all night.
i knew what we had couldn't possibly last,
but i would have gave anything to keep it.
i remember when i heard you sing for the first time.

2015 was the year i fell in love,
and so did you.
we were inseparable.
i'm never going to forget when you dmed me,
telling me you loved how i sang.
it was ironic, actually.
i loved how you sang too.
and it went on from there.

2016 was the year your life changed,
and so did mine.
you got the offer of a lifetime.
and like a good friend, i told you to take it.
before i knew it, you had songs on the radio.

2017 was the year i met the love of my life in person.
i surprised you.
you were on your small tour with your bandmates.
and i was so proud.
for months after,
you wrote me songs and sent me demos.
just for me.
but those words became poison,
for now you barely acknowledge me.
you're touring the world now.
half the time, i have no idea where you are.

2018 is the year you fell out of love,
but i fell deeper.
i don't know if i'm a sucker for pain,
or in love with the bittersweet reality that you're
living your dream while you are mine.
at times i wonder how you are doing.
you're always on my mind.
am i ever on yours?

i write these words knowing you'll never see them,
but it's okay, because even if you saw them,
i doubt you'd care.
but, no matter how many times you hurt me,
i'm always going to miss you.

i have been writing a lot recently,
all about the same thing.
i can't unsee your bright blue eyes
or the small gap between your two front teeth,
that you hate so much but i love so dear.
i can't forget the words you said,
and the song you named after me.
those words which are now out under a different name
for the rest of the world to hear.
the words that used to be my favorite song became the melody
i hated the most.

but,
at the same time, i'll do anything to hear your voice.
and no matter how mad i am, i can't stay that way forever.
i see you smile once and i fall all over again.
i don't think it's fair that i think about you,
when i know **** well you aren't thinking of me.

i spoke to your mom recently.
she said you've been doing just fine.
how nice.
she also mentioned how you talk about me.
why talk about me instead of talking to me?
i know you write about me too.
she told me one of your band's new songs is about me,
and i have a feeling i know which one it is.
it made me cry the first time i had heard it.

i've tried moving on.
i've tried singing it away.
i've tried writing it away.
i even tried seeing other people.
but somehow,
my mind always comes back to you.
it's always going to be you.

I wrote a will.

I thought I was going to
Live fast, die young.

I wrote a will.

It’s a will that states
The truest emotions
Something that should
Be kept secret.

I wrote a will.

For you.

Knowing the situation
We’re in,

I wrote a will for you.

I remember you saying
I was going to get sick

I was going to die young

So I wrote a will.

I wrote it when our love died
When the clouds fogged up the sky
When the rain started pouring

Maybe it was the stone in my chest
Or the love in my heart
That pushed me to write one

I cut the wrong wires
The wires that connected the stone and my heart
The wire that connected us.

The death of our relationship was the death of me
My own body started killing itself
I became the girl with anxiety
Not knowing it manifested

I don’t sleep because I worry
I worry you forget me
We become something of an empty item
It hurts just thinking about it

Never once I thought about getting back together
Because I hurt you too much
You bled out in front of me
That image never left

This is why I wrote a will.

I hurt you too much.

I was scared to say it in front of you
So it would be better for you to listen
When I die

I wrote a will.

it's four in the morning,
and i'm thinking of you.
the song we used to listen to when we were on the phone is playing.
the words blast through my headphones,
but all i hear is your laugh.
when you'd laugh at me for choking up.

"sorry, shawn mendes always makes me sad."

it's four in the morning
and i'm missing you arms around me.
you only held me once, but it was for a few hours.
we were at your hotel after your stupid show.
the first and last one i went to.
i told you that you should go meet your fans,
but you shook your head.

"i want to hold you."

"why?"

"what if i never see you again?"

i almost laughed at you.
how you thought i'd never see you again.

but over a year later, here i am.

it's four in the morning
and i miss you more than ever.

don't know what to say
need a signal to stay

we keep driving each other away
it hurts to love

the heavy feeling
in my heart

signs
that aren't mine

should I leave tonight
wonder if we ruined another day

feels like a burden
I can hear your hurting

smoke another cigarette
close enough

don't you know
this isn't love

everywhere i go,
there are reminders of you.
whether it be the blue sky
that reminds me of your eyes,
or the pink cherry blossom tree,
reminding me of your lips.
the soothing melodies of ed sheeran
remind me of when you used to sing them
to me over facetime.
and any time you pop up on
my twitter or instagram timeline,
or even my youtube recommended.
it's like you're everywhere.
reminders of everything we were.
everything we could have been.
everything we weren't.

i wonder if anything reminds
you of me.
do you see your baseball cap
and remember the matching one i have?
do you ever look down at your bracelets
and smile down at the one i gave you.
do you even wear it?
do you think of me when you hear ed sheeran?
or when chasing cars by snow patrol comes
on shuffle?

do i ever even cross your mind?
i doubt it.
but unfortunately for me,
you're always on mine.

i almost bought tickets to your show today.
i wonder if you thought of me when my
city was announced.
i wonder if you prayed that i was going to show up,
or if you planned out an apology speech just in case.
or maybe you prayed i wouldn't show up,
and lucky for you, i won't.
because i know if i see you,
my heart won't be able to handle it.

but no matter how much i try to avoid you,
i know one day i'll have to face you again
so i can let go.

Wish you the best in life
Even though mine isn't so fine
I'm going through a bumpy ride

I'm sure you got it much better
It doesn't matter

This cruel life
makes me stronger

today i lost myself.
i had a few drinks.
i cried it all away.
being without you isn't good for me.
but i guess being with me isn't
good for you.
every day i look at your contact.
it has a yellow heart beside your name
because you said it would symbolize
the light we brought to each other's lives.
i want to hit the call button.
i want to call you up.
but what would i say?
and would you even pick up?
would you have something to say.

everyone who reads my words
probably thinks i'm completely pathetic.
why can't you just let go?
he doesn't care so why do you?

and the answer is simple.
i can't.
he was the first boy i ever loved.
the only one who understood me.
he saw my scars and didn't run.
he kissed them.
the ones that were faded along my wrists,
and the ones that were new along my hips.
he told me that he would always be around to
build me up if i fell down.

but where is he now?
about to go on tour in a different country.
and i always found the states hard,
but now he's even farther.

i suppose it'll hurt more when he's close to me.
so close that i can smell his cologne that mixed
so nicely with the axe he wore.
but so far where i can't see him.
i only picture him each and every time
i pass the hotel i last saw him in.